And now for a commercial break in Sturgeons…

 WELCOME 

TO 

STURGEONS! 

Your two favorite 

blog serials 

have finally been 

combined 

into one lusciously designed, fast-paced volume!  

THRILL 

in 

Darkening Sturgeons 

as 

Chief Deputy Benjamin Straker is thrust into investigating a series of disappearances while holding back his growing attraction to a mysterious scientist! 

FEEL 

in 

Haunting Sturgeons 

as 

Jimmy Schroder returns to his hometown and is torn between facing the trauma from his past and reconnecting with the one man who could be his future! 

STURGEONS 

(the complete serials)

   by John L. Harmon 

For the first time…

Off the screen and on the page! 

(Photo courtesy of The Audouy Institute of Fine Things)

(Photo courtesy of The Carolyn Collection of Books & Pachyderms)

Available 

in 

Hardcover 

and 

Paperback* 

from an 

Amazon 

near you!**

*(hardcover and paperback availability may vary depending on region) 

**(also available as a Kindle ebook)

freakboy on film: NECROMANIA: A TALE OF WEIRD LOVE (1971)

Most pics were taken from my old TV with my tablet, so excuse the poor quality.

Could it be fate or destiny that brought this film to me? 

Have I slid down a moist rabbit hole of 1970’s adult films starting with FLESHPOT ON 42ND STREET or LET MY PUPPETS COME?  

Was my morbid interest simply peaked after reading the Ed Wood bio NIGHTMARE OF ECSTASY? 

Whatever the reason, I located, watched and am now blogging about Ed Wood porn.  What else can I call it?  Sure, it’s predominantly hetero-centric, but how many strictly straight adult films name drop Bela Lugosi and include a coffin?  This is Ed Wood all the way! 

My new bedroom

(While I’m obviously not going to go into graphic detail, if anything you’ve just read offends, upsets or seriously freaks you out, stop reading this post and find a nice inspirational movie to feel safe with or something.) 

Glamorous 1970’s fashion icons!

Shirley and Danny are a young couple having a hard, or lack thereof, time of it in the bedroom.  Instead of going to a marriage therapist, they book a couple of days in the home of a necromancer.  You see, they are secretly not married (gasp) and it is the 1970’s.  What else would they do, especially in an Ed Wood film? 

Madame Heles (pronounced “heals”), presumably sleeping in her coffin, will not see the couple until the stroke of midnight, so to speak.  So, her assistant Tanya escorts the couple to their bedroom.  Shirley changes into a poofy nightgown and Danny slips into what appears to be silk pajama bottoms.  Alone and barely dressed, the young couple decide to try and couple again.  After this failed attempt at passion (“I might just as well have watched television.  That’s how much of a charge you give me.”), Shirley decides to explore Madame Heles’ abode, leaving Danny in the soft bed. 

When Shirley met Barb

Shirley bumps into a mummy dog and then bumps and grinds into Barb.  Seems Barb is a fellow “inmate” (client) of Madame Heles.  She must also work for the necromancer because Shirley’s first same sex experience is ultimately part of her sexual training.  
Tragically, Danny does not have a same sex experience.  Instead Tanya, after performing a ritual involving a skull suckling her mammaries, expertly instructs Danny in preparation for the meeting with Madame Heles.  Turns out that if Danny and Shirley fail to expand their horizons or whatever, they will end up lost forever, never finding satisfaction in the universal language of sex.  Will Madame Heles save Danny and Shirley from this frustrating existence? 

Not Brad & Janet

SPOILER ALERT!

At long last, the stroke of midnight is at hand.  Before the necromancer appears, Tanya and Barb perform a ritual make-out session in front of the coffin, as Danny and Shirley watch on.  After that allegedly titillating scene, which does not involve the skull,  Madame Heles finally awakens.  She opens her coffin, sits up and passes judgement on the young couple.  Shirley has graduated and will live only for sex.  However, Danny’s training is not complete and he will need to experience the personal teachings of Madame Heles.  This means only one thing.

Coffin sex! ⚰️ 

Criswell rising from the coffin would’ve made a great twist!

A reluctant Danny is grabbed by an underwear clad man, stripped of his silk pajama bottoms by Tanya and Barb, and then forced into the coffin.  The final scenes can best be summed up with, When the coffin’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’!  As the coffin lid closes on Danny and Madame Heles, the ending leaves the viewer with questions.  Did the coffin money shot mean Danny graduated?  Will Shirley and Danny be reunited or is the coffin his new permanent address?  Where did Shirley go anyway?  The world will sadly never know the answers, not even when you ask yourself what the hell you just watched.

Was it a happy one?

Ed may have used the pseudonym “Don Miller” but NECROMANIA is totally an Edward D. Wood, Jr. film!  His off-kilter writing and direction is obvious.  One bonus is there is even some legitimately funny dialogue between the young couple.  (Shirley to Danny: “Sometimes I think you’re more of an old woman than my mother.”)  Actors Rene Bond as Shirley and  Ric Lutze as Danny would feel right at home in an earlier, less “sexy” Ed Wood film.  They are easily the best actors here, which isn’t saying much, but a question rises, along with other things from the coffin.  Generally speaking, is the acting in NECROMANIA Ed Wood bad or just porn bad?  The answer probably depends upon the viewer.  I think it’s a mix of both. 

My biggest complaint is that Ed Wood didn’t fully embrace his crazy.  Aside from humorous bickering from the young couple and the intriguingly uncomfortable idea of coffin sex, most of NECROMANIA; A TALE OF WEIRD LOVE fails to live up to its title.  I mean, take PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, GLEN OR GLENDA, or even TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE for example!  In those films, Ed’s special brand of crazy is vividly turned on.  In NECROMANIA, the crazy sporadically comes and goes, with flaccid moments in between.  

Waiting for Sarah Conner to destroy the Terminator skull

Speaking of flaccid, the surprisingly inexpensive DVD from Fleshbot Films I found on eBay includes two versions of the film.  Ed Wood himself called them the “Hot!” version and the “Hot! Hot! Hot!” version.  I question the accuracy of either designation, but I’m sure you can figure out the difference between them.  For transparency’s sake, the latter is what this review is based on.  

In conclusion…

What else can I really say?  If you are an Edward D. Wood, Jr. completist, then you must see NECROMANIA: A TALE OF WEIRD LOVE, even if the weirdest thing about it is the oddball music for the triple “Hot!” scenes, which ultimately makes perfect audio sense in an Ed Wood flick! 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Click the pic ⤵️ to learn more about Ed Wood…

~~~~~~~~~~~~
My queer little books are available from an Amazon near you… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon

freakboy on film: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (2002)

If I have a “favorite” in the STAR WARS Prequel Trilogy, it might…maybe…could be Episode II.  While still far, far below EpisodesIV & V, ATTACK OF THE CLONES has its moments.  These admittedly few and far between moments nearly…almost…come close to capturing a spark or two of the Original Trilogy.  

Directed by George Lucas / screenplay by George Lucas and Jonathan Hales 

As for the film, it’s 10 years later from what little happened in THE PHANTOM MENACE.  Padmé Amidala is now a Senator in the Republic and has come a long way from being an uncertain young queen.  She’s tougher and more determined, which is probably one of the reasons someone is trying to assassinate her.  

In a plot twist even non-Jedis will see coming, a now grown up Anakin Skywalker has been assigned to protect her.  Off they go to Padmé’s home planet to frolic and fall in love or something.  Meanwhile, Obi-Wan Kenobi is off to investigate who is behind the assassination attempt.  He uncovers a plot about clones and a robot army.  All of this leads to Count Dooku, a certain plan for a planet destroying space station and the infamous Clone Wars. 

The reasons I feel ATTACK OF THE CLONES almost captures the vibe of the Original Trilogy comes down to a few characters and moments.  Natalie Portman embraces the fierce strength in Padmé.  The character doesn’t always need a Jedi to save her and the actor seems to be fully enjoying herself this time around.  Maybe this is why viewers can actually believe Padmé Amidala will be the future mom of Luke and Leia. 

The mother of the future!

Eat your heart out, Lord Voldemort!

Then there is Christopher Lee as Count Dooku!  This classic British actor immediately elevates Episode II.  Plus, his presence conjures up the appearance of fellow Hammer actor Peter Cushing in A NEW HOPE.  However, it is Count Dooku’s lightsaber fight with Yoda that steals the film, if not the entire Prequel Trilogy!  The duel is suspenseful, fun and doesn’t drag on like so many other scenes.  Plus, it’s great to see why Yoda is truly THE Jedi Master. 

It’s not the size of a Jedi that matters… 

It’s also nice to see C-3PO become more a part of the story, even though his scenes are pure nonsense.  We also get to see why a young Boba Fett chooses his path in life.  As for Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker, he does a serviceable job, but really only shines when Anakin tragically sees his mother again.  Some good news is Jar Jar Binks’ role is greatly diminished and subdued, but he is ultimately involved in a pivotal moment with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine’s grasp for power.  Oh, and I must add that John Williams’ film score is a vast improvement over THE PHANTOM MENACE. 

Young Boba Fett is happy his dad didn’t die for a burp joke.

In conclusion…
There are worse STAR WARS films out there.  Episode II may even be better than some of the crap in the Sequel Trilogy.  If anything, Samuel L. Jackson finally gets some lightsaber action as Mace Windu!  So, if you’re watching in chronological order, grab a helping of caffeine for the slow moments and embrace the good stuff in ATTACK OF THE CLONES.  At least you’ll be one film closer to A NEW HOPE!  
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out,
JLH 

P.S. Click the pic for a post where I say nice things about THE PHANTOM MENACE…

~~~~~~~~~~~~
My queer little books are available from an Amazon near you… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon

A breakfast casserole for lunch…

I recently attended a potluck lunch at the library and decided to actually cook my breakfast casserole.  I have only prepared this dish for my sister and our dad, so I wasn’t sure what outsiders would think.  Especially since I altered the original recipe to suit my particular taste. 

For example, I changed the 2 cups of cubed ham to 1 pound (package) of bacon.  Instead of 4 cups of shredded mild cheddar cheese, I use only 2 cups of shredded mozzarella.  Sometimes, but not always, I substitute the 1 cup of milk with 1 cup of buttermilk.  I must also add the original recipe called for a bag of hash browns to be layered frozen in the pan, but I use frozen diced potatoes and cook them first. 

Thankfully, the lucky potluck attendees enjoyed my breakfast casserole!  There was even leftovers for my sister and I to enjoy.  We both agree that a morning after microwaved leftover tastes even better than fresh from the oven. 

The best news is no one developed food poisoning or died from my casserole.  Well, at least not as far as I know.  On that note, here is my recipe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Freakboy’s Breakfast of Champions Casserole 

Ingredients…
1/2 cup of melted butter or margarine 
30 ounce bag of frozen seasoned diced potatoes 
12 eggs 
1 cup milk or buttermilk 
2 cups of shredded mozzarella cheese  
1 pound of bacon 
Dash of pepper 

Directions…
Cut bacon into chunks and fry in a pan.  (add a dash of pepper to the sizzling bacon as it cooks)  
Then set bacon aside on a plate.

Using the bacon grease, fry potatoes until lightly brown. 

Layer potatoes in a greased 9” by 13” pan.

Pour melted butter over potatoes. 

Mix eggs, milk, cheese
and bacon together in a large bowl.  Pour
over top of the potatoes.

Bake at 350° F for 1 hour or until the top is nice and brown.  (It may take less than an hour because of the cooked potatoes)
Remove from
oven and let sit for 10 minutes.  
Serve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My breakfast casserole is wildly unhealthy and not vegetarian or vegan friendly.  Just like any recipe, use mine as a starting point and then alter it to your personal taste!  

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  If you just can’t wait for a 2-in-1 print edition of STURGEONS, which will hopefully drop in July, you can always read DARKENING and HAUNTING as individual ebooks! 

Convalescent Thoughts (a poem, of sorts)

Slit my I 
Leaking tears 
Blood flowing 
Vivid memories 
Flashing visions 
What I’ve seen 
Within the unseen 
Early daze 
In between days 
Living only now 
Being only here 
Breathing only sighs 
Waiting for tomorrow 
For whatever waits 
For me and eye 

____________
2023, John L. Harmon 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  click the pic for a cut half-blind poem…

~~~~~~~~~~~~
My queer little books are available at an Amazon near you… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon

freakboy on film: PINK NARCISSUS (1971)

It’s Pride Month 🏳️‍🌈 and I know the question everyone in the LGBTQ+ community is asking.  

What if filmmaker David Lynch made gay porn? 

Ok, maybe not everyone is asking that question, but a lot of inquiring minds want to know.  Fine, it’s probably just me, but I believe the answer is PINK NARCISSUS.  

Though I hesitate to actually call it porn.  While the plot totally sounds like a porno, a bored young man spends the evening fantasizing about various sensual encounters with men and plants, it’s all very artsy and suggested, with the exception of a couple of eyebrow raising scenes.  “Oh, that’s why the back of the box has an X rating on it,” is what I said out loud when I first popped in the DVD.  Never mind IMDb designates it as Not Rated.  Still, even these scenes are surreal enough to make a certain puppet film seem hardcore.  

It’s rough being young and beautiful.

This classic, and seemingly obscure, piece of queer cinema is a visceral, dreams within dreams experience of sights and sounds.  There is no dialogue between characters, but it’s not a silent film.  The young man’s imagination takes us to a public restroom where he becomes a bullfighter, daring to dodge a  leather-clad guy in a motorcycle.  There is also a journey to an Arabian Knights fantasy that would probably be cancelled today, but the male belly-dancer seems progressive.  After a brief detour through the lonely and dangerous city outside his window, the young man imagines a Garden of Eden style landscape, except he is alone.  I guess Adam doesn’t need his Steve when he has sensual vegetation trying to seduce him. 

Green Boys Are Easy

SPOILER ALERT! 

No peeking at the ending!

According to IMDb, the young man is a prostitute.  This makes sense with a phone call he receives and the ending, I guess.  An older man shows up and looks into the mirror.  Then suddenly the older man is now the younger man while the mirror cracks.  My interpretation is the splintered mirror indicates the end of the younger man’s fantasies.  The older man transforming into the younger man may represent how the older man will now live out his fantasies through the prostitute.  Then again, maybe it means something else entirely! 

The moral of the story? 🤔 

I must add some other interesting tidbits about PINK NARCISSUS from IMDb.  There had been some mystery surrounding who directed this film because a lot of the onscreen credits simply state Anonymous.  Some assumed it was Andy Warhol or Kenneth Anger.  (It was probably too early in the 1970’s for David Lynch to be an option.). Turned out James Bidgood was the writer and director.  He had took his name off the film when the producer edited it before more material could be filmed.  Speaking of filming, with the exception of a few scenes, the film was shot in the director’s New York City apartment.  

In conclusion…
It’s bold!  It’s daring!  It’s art!  The visuals transport the viewer into a phantasmagorical fugue state, where everything is somehow both tangible and ephemeral.  In my opinion, this film captures the abstract realness feel of dreams more than any film I’ve experienced.  So, if you want to celebrate Pride 🏳️‍🌈 in a different way, dive into the subversive sensory submersion of PINK NARCISSUS! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. An older post about a film that totally sounds like a porno, but isn’t… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~
My queer little books are available from an Amazon near you… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon

freakboy on film: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)

 

written & directed by George Lucas

What the hell is wrong with me? 

After my sister and I finished our annual Planet of the Apes Marathon, I decided it was time to watch the three STAR WARS trilogies in chronological order, which is something I’ve never done.  Since I only own the Original Trilogy, I borrowed Episode I from the library and, for the first time ever, I didn’t find myself loathing it with every fiber of my being.  So, I reiterate… 

What the hell is wrong with me? 

Please, don’t answer that and don’t get me wrong.  I still don’t love THE PHANTOM MENACE.  I mean, I could write a scathing post about the questionable creative choices of George Lucas.  That excruciating pod race scene is still endless.  (As if Anakin wasn’t going to win.)  Starting Anakin Skywalker (the future Darth Vader) out so ridiculously young continues to be a WTF?!?moment, compounded by the character’s alleged immaculate conception.  (Sorry, Ms. Skywalker, but someone already used that excuse.)  Then there is Jar Jar Binks… (Um, I just can’t right now.)  However, instead of complaining, I have decided to list (in no particular order) things about THE PHANTOM MENACE which I enjoyed, or at least wasn’t super annoyed by during this viewing. 

1 - Qui-Gon Jinn 
I wasn’t sure I liked him during the first viewing, but I’ve changed my mind.  Maybe it was all the time he spent with Nell, but Liam Neeson makes a believable and patient Jedi Knight. 

2 - Jabba the Hutt 
This sluggish gangster’s appearance is brief, but entertaining.  I mean, he mimics what theater audiences were doing by falling asleep during that wretched pod race. 

3 - Padmé Amidala 
I wasn’t sure about her the first time, maybe because of the whole decoy queen thing.  Now I think Natalie Portman brings a nice mix of strength and vulnerability to the character.  Well, until Episode III anyways, but I’m getting ahead of myself. 

4 - Yoda 
I mean, come on!  He’s Yoda!  Plus, Frank Oz provides the voice for this Jedi Master again! 

5 - Mace Windu 
I mean, come on!  He’s Samuel L. Jackson!  He may not have a lot to do in his scene, but Mace glows with authentic Jedi coolness! 

6 - Anakin Skywalker 
Fine, I first thought Jake Lloyd was a horrible child actor, but now I wonder if he was just doing his best with George Lucas’ meh-inspired script.  Don’t get me wrong, the kid is no Jodie Foster, yet he has this one moment where a spark happens.  As Anakin gazes into Qui-Gon’s funeral pyre, he looks believably contemplative about his future, or maybe my half-blind eyes were just seeing things.

7 - Darth Maul (Ray Park)
I initially rolled my eyes at this character because his sole purpose seemed to be to kill Qui-Gon and look cool doing it.  He succeeds in this, but now I see him as the Prequel Trilogy’s Boba Fett.  Mysterious, baddass and too quickly dispatched, but at least Darth Maul didn’t die for the sake of a burp joke. 

8 - Naked C-3PO 
I still hate that Anakin is my favorite protocol droid’s “Maker” but at least I no longer cringe at C-3PO’s incomplete state.  Maybe because it’s pure joy to watch him meet his forever counterpart R2-D2.  Plus, Anthony Daniels once again lends his persnickety voice! 

9 - Senator Palpatine 

He has been one of the best parts of THE PHANTOM MENACE since the first viewing.  It helps they got the same actor from RETURN OF THE JEDI and Ian McDiarmid is charmingly sinister as the future Emperor.  Plus, with this viewing, I fully understand how the plot is really about the Senator’s manipulations and machinations in order to gain more political power. 

10 - Darth Vader’s breathing 
Even before Marvel movies made it mandatory, I often stayed through the ending credits at the theater, much to the chagrin of the staff.  I was rewarded with a bit of menacing EMPIRE music and Darth Vader’s rasping, mechanical breathing.  For a long time, I considered this audio moment the best part of the film.  Maybe it still is.

 
11 - Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) 
I still don’t love this character, but my absolute hatred has mutated into annoyed tolerance.  Before you scream at me, let’s all get real.  All of Jar Jar’s slapstick nonsense found its genesis in RETURN OF THE JEDI.  Somewhere between THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and JEDI, George Lucas forgot that while STAR WARS appeals to kids, it is not a kid flick.  He just took that childish mentality to the extreme in THE PHANTOM MENACE with Jar Jar Binks and a way too young Anakin. 

In conclusion… 
What the hell is wrong with me?  Have I lost my mind?  Did Disney’s Sequel Trilogy decimate what remained of my passion for STAR WARS?  Has Andy Milligan made me enjoy films that most consider bad or have I simply grown older and allegedly wiser?  Whatever the reason, I discovered a tentative appreciation for Episode I.  I mean, it’s far from perfect, that pod race is inexcusably tedious, but maybe, just maybe, THE PHANTOM MENACE isn’t the complete piece of 💩 that I thought it was.

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Click a pic ⤵️ for my thoughts on the Sequel Trilogy…

~~~~~~~~~~~~
My books & blogs… 
http://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-collective.html