channel freakboy: RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES (1975-1976)

The year is 3979 and Earth has experienced a cataclysmic catastrophe while I was on a rocket ride in Outer Space with a certain animated feline pop band. 

Saturday morning in the 1970’s was a very different time.

You see, I had Josie and the gang leave me on a planetoid so a certain animated Starfleet vessel could take me home, but Kirk and crew dropped me off in the upside-down future of RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES.  (It’s a convoluted scenario which you can read about HERE)  Anyhoo, I’ve been hiding out with the cave-dwelling humanoids for the last two years after my Ted Talk concerning the dangers of being a toon junkie went horribly wrong.  The talking apes chased me out of Ape City, but thankfully they now believe I was just a mental trick deployed by their below surface enemy, the Underdwellers.  If a humanoid with the knowledge of language is ever discovered, all the humanoids will be eradicated, instead of simply being harvested for animal labor, for scientific studies, for war games, for the “animal replacement preserve” and to be kept as pets. 

Jeff, Judy and Bill pose for the cover of their folk album!

This is why I’m worried about the spaceship that crashed in the lake.  By keeping quiet and observing, I’ve learned three astronauts from 1976 are now among us.  Bill Hudson, Judy Franklin and Jeff Allen survived their crash, only to find themselves at the mercy of the desolate landscape and sweltering heat of The Forbidden Zone.  Bill and Jeff made it through the treacherous terrain, thanks to the care of Nova, easily the smartest of the humanoids, but Judy has been abducted by the Underdwellers!  They call her “Usa” and claim she is part of an ancient prophecy. 

Nova cared for me during my Quisp withdrawal.

As if there wasn’t already enough going on, Bill and some of the humanoids were captured by General Urko, the leader of the gorilla army.  Thankfully Bill escaped by befriending Cornelius and Zira, two chimpanzee scientists.  Jeff and Bill then managed to free the captured humanoids, which is great, but the pressure is mounting from all sides.  Dr. Zaius, an orangutan leader, is growing more and more suspicious of Cornelius and Zira, as they are constantly risking their careers for Bill, Jeff and the humanoids.  General Urko is growing more and more war-hungry and paranoid of humanoids, the Underdwellers and even other apes.  The Underdwellers’ motives and ultimate plan for Judy remain uncertain and now volcanic activity is threatening their existence.  To top it all off, Bill and Jeff are planning to move the humanoids to a lush area called New Valley, where herds of unicorn-buffalo hybrid roam. 

The doctor is in!

Will Dr. Zaius catch Cornelius and Zira breaking ape law?  Will General Urko start an all out war?  Will The Underdwellers release Judy?  Will Bill and Jeff save the humanoids?  Will the dog tags Nova wears bring help with a surprising reference to one of the films?  Will “A Day at the Zoo,” an ancient book Bill and Cornelius placed in the care of the extremely peaceful and very zen Mountain Apes, bring peace to the planet or completely tear it apart?  There was only 13 episodes and it ended with a cliffhanger, so we may never know.  Plus, I managed to escape from this animated upside-down future, which is another post for another time. 

Cornelius and Zira doubt I’ll blog about my escape.

I first experienced RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES when my sister purchased a massive APES box set in the early 2000’s.  We both expected the series to be utter crap, but we were both wrong.  This criminally short-lived animated series is wildly entertaining and full of surprises.  While each episode has its own plot, there is an overall storyline throughout.  For a Saturday morning cartoon, it is amazingly complex.  Seriously, you need to watch this one in order!  The writers even expected viewers to remember little events from several episodes before.  Another interesting aspect of the series is how it borrows elements from the novel (the apes are technologically advanced), and includes characters from the original films and the live-action TV series, but does its own thing. 

Tree huggers of the future unite!

I’m sure there are those of you out there who are yelling at my words.  Screaming about the not-so-great animation and the occasionally stiff voice-acting.  Yes, there are deficiencies, including plot holes and a few contradictions, but I think PLANET OF THE APES fans should embrace the sheer scope and clever intricacies of the animated series.  You simply need to overlook the flaws and lose yourself in the story and the characters.

General Urko wants YOU to watch this series!

SIDE NOTE: Sadly, Roddy McDowall does not voice Cornelius, but there is still an acting thread connecting the animated series to the films.  Austin Stoker, who portrayed MacDonald in BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES, voices Jeff Allen. 

In conclusion…
I always look forward to returning to this intriguing animated planet when my sister and I commence our annual APES marathon.  With more money and an evening time slot, I believe this series could have found a wider audience and lasted longer, but, alas, it was not meant to be.  At least we have these 13 episodes to enjoy!  So, if you dig classic Saturday morning television or you’re a franchise completist, then RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES may be in your future! 
(whispers - “check YouTube”)

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind contribution to the FUTURETHON blogathon hosted by Barry of Cinematic Catharsis and Gill of Realweegiemidget Reviews!

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Click a pic ⤵️ for more of my animated misadventures… 

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My books & blogs… 
http://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-collective.html

freakboy on film: WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING (1989)

First, thank you to my tweeps who voted in my recent Andy Milligan Twitter poll!  The winner was WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING, so here we go… 

Much like the infamous puppet porn, I won WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING as the sole bidder in an eBay auction.  I saw a reasonably priced copy, placed a bid for $1 more than the asking price and then went about my day.  I later received an email announcing my win, but I was still home, so tragically there was no public declaration of winning a weirdo. 

The slipcover perfectly captures the essence of this film.

I was rather nervous when I first popped in the disc.  At that point in time, I had experienced The Dungeon of Andy Milligan box set, which includes his available New York and England films, but I had not experienced any of Andy’s California excursions.  I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I quickly learned I had nothing to be nervous about.  WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING (aka THE WEIRDO) touched upon many tried & true Milligan plot devices.  Side characters & subplots that go nowhere. ✅  Tyrannical mother or mother-figure. ✅  Shocking family revelations. ✅  Doomed lovers. ✅  Death by pitchfork to the neck. ✅  Tragically, there is no swirl camera, but no film is perfect. 

Miss Martins has more clothes for Donnie to donate to the local church.

Donnie is a mentally challenged young man who enjoys spending time in the nearby woods searching for discarded treasures.  When he’s not bringing home old Frisbees and other junk, he is endlessly delivering his landlady’s used clothes to a local church and being tortured by three roving redneck bullies.  Miss Martins is a friend of Donnie’s mother and she agreed to let him live in her shed after his mother kicked him out.  She seems like a nice old woman.  On the other hand, the three bullies, Nails, Dean and Vic, are not nice. 

The latest in roving redneck bully fashion.

This perpetual routine is disrupted by Jenny, a sweet, physically challenged young woman.  Donnie meets Jenny in the woods and their connection as outsiders forms a tenuous love between them.  This love seems unnatural to Reverend Cummings at the local church.  He and his wife believe Donnie and Jenny should not be together, mainly because of Donnie’s mental and emotional challenges. 

Hey, Preacher!  Leave them kids alone!

Then to make matters worse, Donnie’s estranged mother, who lives on the outskirts of town, suddenly wants him to come for a visit.  Miss Martins insists he goes and he reluctantly agrees.  Once there, Donnie is humiliated with name-calling and a beating from his drunken mother.  As if that wasn’t enough, Donnie learns he is the product of an incestuous relationship between his mother and her brother.  Oh, and his mother is going to sell Donnie to a work-farm in Mississippi.

 

A boy’s best friend is not always his mother.

Quite understandably, Donnie snaps and the killing commences!  Who does he kill?  How does he kill them, besides a pitchfork?  Will Miss Martins help Donnie or is she holding on to one final secret?  Will Jenny’s innate goodness save Donnie or does he have a plan for after the killings?  This blu-ray may be out of print, but I’ll never tell.  However, if you’re familiar with Milligan or my reviews of his films, you already know the answers. 

Donnie & Jenny forever,

 Steve Burington as Donnie and Jessica Straus as Jenny give WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING a heart and soul despite, or maybe because of the complications in their burgeoning romance.  Naomi Sherwood brings a down home, practical vibe to Miss Martins.  Shawn Player (Nails), Patrick Thomas (Dean) and Dennis Robbins (Vic) are believable as redneck bullies.  Though I wonder if Trey Parker was inspired by this trio when he created the trapper bullies in CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL!  John Miranda, credited as John Rand, and Janet Roberts as the reverend Cummings and his wife are believably hypocritical as leaders of the local church.  Maladjusted Milligan fans, like me, will note Rev. Cummings is none other than Sweeney Todd in BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS!  Last, but certainly not least, Lynne Caryl gives an uncomfortably terrifying performance as Donnie’s abusive mother.  One can’t help but wonder if this is the closest Milligan came to capturing his mother’s hostile spirit on film.

This cover fails to capture the sweetness within the violence.

Speaking of Andy, despite the violence and hate emanating from the story, this second of his California films continues to show a softer side.  He seems to genuinely care about Donnie and Jenny.  Don’t get me wrong though.  His script and direction may not be as frenzied as his earlier work, but WEIRDO is unmistakably Andy Milligan.  It could almost be a sequel to SEEDS (aka Seeds of Sin) if that film had ended a bit differently. 

If I am not mistaken, and I may be, according to THE GHASTLY ONE by Jimmy McDonough, Milligan claimed he filmed a version of WEIRDO back in the 1970’s, but left the only print behind when moving.  Other sources say he had planned to film a version back then as part of a deal during his time in England, but it never was shot.  Either way, that WEIRDO would be a different kind of WEIRDO! 

In conclusion…
WEIRDO is my favorite of Milligan’s California excursions.  Donnie is complicated, relatable and sympathetic.  Yes, even when he’s being a bit of a creepy stalker and a killer.  So, if you have ever felt like an outsider, pour yourself some imaginary orange juice and embrace WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING! 

SIDE NOTE: According to the blu-ray commentary, Milligan was hoping to do a sequel, hence “The Beginning.”  From the description, the follow-up would’ve shared elements of MONSTROSITY, which may explain the mysterious ending of WEIRDO. 

Jenny isn’t going to tell you the ending either.

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Grab a pie and click the pic ⤵️ to devour my review of BLOODTHIRSTY BUTCHERS! 🩸 

She knows what you want!

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My books & blogs… 
http://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-collective.html

Kaleidoscopic Thought (a poem, of sorts)

I spend too much time in my chaotic mind 
Deconstructing the past 
Downplaying my victories 
Focusing on my failures 
Until I circuitously shift 
Constructing a future 
Full of flagrantly ephemeral   
Possibilities and desires  
Until past and future meet 

Struggling for supremacy  
Fracturing my phantoms 
Leaving only present day me 
Spending too much time in my chaotic mind 

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2023, John L. Harmon 

This was inspired by the above photo, which I took in 2014 and recently unearthed through Facebook Memories. 

Oh, and happy National Poetry Month! 📜 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  One way to celebrate National Poetry Month… 🤓

available from an Amazon near you!

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My books & blogs… 
http://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-collective.html

Ode to an Auction House Murder Doll (a poem, of sorts)

Wake me up at midnight 
Remind me that I’m bold 
Blur the lines of wrong and right 
In my fractured heart of cold 

Whisper to me at midnight 
Secret names I should dispose 
Sending them to heavenly light 
With neither tear nor rose 

Put an end to me at midnight 
When your use for me is done 
Allowing death without a fight 
Cherishing all our bloody fun 

____________
2023, John L. Harmon 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. click the pic for an ode from a different time…

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My book of half-blind poems is available at an Amazon near you…

freakboy on film: EMBRYO (1976)

This post is for THE FAVORITE STARS IN B MOVIES BLOGATHON, hosted by Brian of Films From Beyond!  

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Somewhere between making bedroom eyes at Doris Day in the forerunner to the rom-com and kissing Linda Evans on the diva-drenched nighttime soap Dynasty, Rock Hudson starred in this slice of ‘70’s cheese.  Actually, that might be offensive to cheese because a truly cheesy film can be entertaining.  EMBRYO is just bad.  No, not even in a so bad it’s good way.   

Rock Hudson questions his career choices

The so-called plot centers around widowed Dr. Paul Holliston (Rock Hudson) experimenting with accelerated embryo growth in his mansion’s basement laboratory.  First a canine embryo, which grows quickly into an intelligent killer.  Then a human embryo, which also grows into an intelligent killer.  Oh, but of course the human embryo also grows into an attractive young woman (Barbara Carrera) he names Victoria Spencer.  

Thou shall not watch this film sober

After Paul stabilizes the growth serum, he introduces Victoria as his assistant.  While Paul’s son and pregnant daughter-in-law don’t seem to mind the newcomer, someone else minds very much.  Martha Douglas (Diane Ladd) is Paul’s sister-in-law and sees green the moment she lays eyes on his new assistant.  Even Victoria almost beating a smug chess champ (Roddy McDowall) fails to impress Martha.  

Diane Ladd can’t remember if she’s in this film 

Victoria eventually assists Paul in the bedroom and that’s when the plot sort of finally kicks in.  She starts craving more of the growth serum, even asking a massive 1970’s super-computer for help.  Martha grows more and more suspicious as the dog growls menacingly at her.  Paul mainly seems oblivious as he feels proud of and physically attracted to his scientific achievement.  No, not the dog, but that would make for a startling twist, which this movie desperately needs. 

No, I don’t want no damn Scooby snack!

Seriously, despite its star power, EMBRYO fails to deliver and I blame screenwriters Anita Doohan and Jack W. Thomas, along with director Ralph Nelson.  The pacing is so slow it doesn’t exist.  There is too much reliance on pseudo-scientific voiceover narration.  To top it off, the character development is sketchy and the backstory of Paul’s wife is never fully explored.  I feel the movie is trying to be serious instead of embracing the schlock that it really is. 

How much is that doggie embryo in the window?

The acting is fine, but not overly engaging.  Like the script, everyone is playing it so low-key that they barely register a pulse.  Rock Hudson sheds his romantically charismatic leading man persona for a nice but sad doctor.  He should’ve stuck with fun, frothy comedies, but like Veronica Lake in FLESH FEAST (1970), former silver screen darlings were often relegated to bottom-of-the-barrel B-movies during this time period.  Diane Ladd should’ve added some punch as the jealous sister-in-law, but I had completely forgotten she was even in this movie.  Barbara Carrera, as the title character, manages to be believable as a menacing innocent, but it’s not enough to stop the viewer from nearly slipping into a coma.  The appearance of Roddy McDowall in a memorably boring party scene might perk up the viewer for a bit, but his exaggerated facial movements will make you wonder if he spent too many years acting in PLANET OF THE APES make-up. 

Roddy McDowall (left) patiently waits for FRIGHT NIGHT to save his career

In conclusion…
Rock Hudson may not have shined as brightly as he did in his Doris Day glory days, but he was still Rock Hudson.  Maybe he would’ve done better with a better script.  
As for the film, if you’re suffering from insomnia, fluff your pillows and tuck yourself in because EMBRYO might just be the cure you need! 

SIDE NOTE:  
EMBRYO contains scenes involving dogs and a fish which may be upsetting to some viewers. 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Cinematic Catharsis & Realweegiemidget Reviews will take you to the FUTURE! 

COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU! 

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My books… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon