freakboy on film: PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1957)

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You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here.  I know that’s why I joined The Sixth So Bad It’s Good Blogathon, hosted by Rebecca of Taking Up Room!  I love hearing about unexplainable films, while also sharing my love of these gems with others.  In past bad/good blogathons, I have sliced through the destruction of the American male and then invited you to risk your life at a cheerleading camp.  Now, in an either brilliant or terrible decision, I must ask you one question.  Can your heart stand the shocking facts as I blog about Ed Wood’s PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE?! 

It all started when I was a young freakboy of around 9 or 10 watching IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD (1982) on HBO.  This film is a compilation of clips and trailers from some of the most unusual films to come out of Hollywood.  To top it off, the whole thing was hosted by Dan Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, John Candy, and Cheech & Chong, all of whom were known to the young freakboy.  This was my introduction to such cult films as ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES and THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES.  I was also introduced to the mind of Edward D. Wood, Jr. and I eagerly desired to know more.

I need more Wood!

A few years later, I finally saw my first Ed Wood film and it was PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.  It is allegedly the worst movie of all time, but anyone who says that hasn’t seen A QUIET PLACE or THE NOTEBOOK.  Maybe I was young and naive or maybe I’ve always been drawn to the misunderstood fringes, but I saw beyond the cheap sets, the questionable acting and choppy story.  I embraced the brilliantly crazy dialogue, the criticism of the U.S. government for covering up UFO’s and for pointing out how mankind is a savage, war-hungry race! 

Tan a & Eros model the latest in smug space attire!

The story revolves around an airplane pilot, his wife and some police officers investigating strange goings-on in the sky and in a nearby cemetery.  Seems like extremely arrogant extraterrestrials are raising the dead so the government is forced to acknowledge that flying saucers exist.  If Plan 9 is successful, then maybe, just maybe, the government will heed the extraterrestrial’s warning of universal destruction thanks to the super weapon Solaranite!  According to Eros, the most arrogant of the arrogant extraterrestrials, mankind is on the verge of creating the Solaranite bomb, which ignites and explodes particles of sunlight and everything that the sunlight touches.  I’m not going to spoil the ending, but maybe if Eros wants to succeed, he should stop calling the human race stupid, no matter how true it is. 

Eros is right if this image makes you faint!

What really makes PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE special are the personalities involved.  Bela Lugosi, who appears in random silent footage Ed Wood shot separately, has no lines, but, as the old man/ghoul, we get to see him in his Dracula cape one last time.  These posthumously used scenes, and the painfully obvious Lugosi non-lookalike stand-in moments, are far more interesting than the film DRACULA (1931).  Then there is 1950’s California TV personality Vampira (Maila Nurmil).  As the old man’s dead wife turned ghoul, she tragically has no lines either.  Vampira just roams around the cemetery set like a zombie, but she has more screen presence than a lot of the actors.  (I’m looking at you, Gregory Walcott as the airplane pilot.)  Unlike Lugosi and Vampira, wrestler Tor Johnson has a few clumsily spoken lines before Inspector Daniel Clay becomes a ghoul and the movie is better for it!  Dudley Manlove (which would make a great nerdy queer porn star name) as super arrogant Eros and Joanna Lee as Tanna appear quite comfortable in front of the camera or maybe they just loved their groovy extraterrestrial uniforms.  John “Bunny” Breckinridge acts with unparalleled boredom as the extraterrestrial ruler, which is disappointing because “Bunny” led a shockingly fascinating offscreen life.  (read NIGHTMARE OF ECSTASY by Rudolph Grey for more)  Oh, and I must not forget actor Paul Marco.  He adds some intentional comic relief as Patrolman Kelton, a character who appears in other Wood films. 

Criswell predicts you will love this film!

Last, but not least, there is Criswell.  This famous or infamous for his time psychic supplies an intro, an outro and occasional narration with a memorable flair.  He speaks Ed Wood’s dialogue with a mixture of sincerity and a knowing wink at the absurdity of it all.  He also deftly prepares and baffles the viewer right from the start.  Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.  In my opinion, without Criswell, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE would not be nearly as entertaining. 

What am I, chopped liver?

Of course, there would be no PLAN 9 without Edward D. Wood, Jr.  His off-kilter writing and one-take directing are on full display.  I know Tim Burton’s ED WOOD bio-pic plays fast and loose with facts, but I sincerely hope two things.  First, I hope Ed donned drag while directing this film.  Second, I hope he really saw PLAN 9 as the one he would be remembered for, because it is his masterpiece!  (Yes, GLEN OR GLENDA is my favorite Wood film, but both can be true) 

Never fear, Bunny is here…to question my logic!

In conclusion…
While definitely not the worst movie of all time, I know PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE is technically not a good film.  However, this bewildering spectacle is a lot of fun and hides some truths within the craziness.  I mean, it has taken decades for the U.S. government to admit there is something in the skies, but continues to be vague about exactly what that something actually is.  Not to mention, the human race  generally seems to have increased in violent tendencies since this film was made.  So, maybe, in Ed Wood’s own misguided, delusions of grandeur way, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE was ahead of its time.  As Criswell predicted in the intro, Future events such as these will affect you in the future. 

Beware!  Take care!

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  my video love letter to Ed Wood and David Lynch that’s based on true events from 2020!  🛸

 

freakboy on film: BLONDE AMBITION (1981)

The most important American film since EARTHQUAKE! 

(directed by &. story by John and Lem Amero/ screenplay by Larue Watts) 

The Kane Sisters, Candy and Sugar, have big Broadway dreams, but they are stuck performing at a dive bar in Coyote Fang, Wyoming.  A lucky coincidence comes in the form of a handsome, rich dude and his chauffeur.  Stephen Carlisle III is in Wyoming to retrieve the Buckingham Broach, a priceless long-thought lost family heirloom, which looks exactly like Sugar’s cheap broach she purchased at a carnival.  After a quick take this job and shove it to their boss and a fond farewell to Luke, a studly stable boy who is trying to invent a tonic to get his horse back in the saddle, the Kane Sisters are off to New York City with Stephen Carlisle III and his chauffeur Eric Smythe. 

Later, after an eventful, full service flight, Stephen allows Candy and Sugar to stay in his NYC apartment while he returns the Buckingham Broach to his Aunt Lady Sybil Buckingham in England.  It isn’t long before the Kane Sisters jump start their big city show-biz career with roles in such art films as “Type, You Typers” and “Wild Gooseberries”.  At long last, Candy and Sugar get their big break in an epic reimagining of GONE WITH THE WIND, but it climaxes with one too many explosions and adds a new meaning to the line, “The Yankees are comin’!”

Meanwhile in England, while waiting to have the Buckingham Broach appraised, Lady Sybil Buckingham is not amused with potentially loose women using her nephew and his apartment.  (Lady Sybil: “I’m the last person who’s going to f*** her way into this family.”)  She hires a New York private investigator to uncover dirt on the Kane Sisters, which may prove easy.  Candy begins an affair with the actor who played Rhett in the GWTW disaster, while Sugar is eager to make new friends in New York City.  These friends include a straight swingin’ couple whose home is basically an ice-skating rink and then there is the gay couple downstairs, Bill and Bob.  Sugar lets Bill, who will be hosting a drag ball at a leather bar, borrow her cheap broach as a topper for his wand.  After Bill leaves to prepare for the ball, Sugar has a ball with Bob.  (Sugar: “Just try and think of me as a man.”  Bob: “Well, I’ll try.”) 

In a twist everyone should see coming, Lady Sybil and Stephen realize the Buckingham Broach has been mixed up with Sugar’s cheap imitation, so it’s off to NYC!

(SPOILER ALERT!: stop reading if you want to see for yourself how this crazy plot ends!) 

Meanwhile, the Kane Sisters are off to the leather bar to rescue the priceless broach, but they have to disguise themselves as drag queens to enter.  Chaos erupts when the leather boys discover Candy and Sugar are actually women just as Lady Sybil arrives with the police.  Then it’s off to jail for everybody, even Lady Sybil, (Cop: “Alright mac, you’re under arrest.  You’re also an ugly drag.”) but there is a happy ending!  Luke, the studly stable boy, bails everyone out with the millions he has made from a hair-growth tonic and then he proposes marriage to Sugar.  The money makes Lady Sybil a-ok with Stephen proposing to Candy.  Oh, it is also revealed the GWTW actor is the private investigator and that Lady Sybil, unbeknownst to her, actually owns the leather bar.  After all of that, and a whirlwind world tour, the Kane Sisters finally find Broadway success, and we are left with the moral of the story.  A riot in a gay bar and a night in the slammer is one way to ensure show-biz immortality! 

What can I say about BLONDE AMBITION?  It is a physically hetero-centric adult film with a little song and dance between the often amusing encounters.  It is an adult film conceived and directed by John and Lem Amero, two gay brothers both known for their 1960’s exploitation flicks.  It is an adult film that’s more focused on the crazy plot and zany humor than the s-e-x.  It is an adult film with surprisingly good acting, especially Suzy Mandel as ditzy Sugar, Molly Malone as haughty Lady Sybil and Kurt Mann as Bill, particularly when he’s in drag.  (Bill, referring to another drag performer: “After the show she’s going to do her famous Dance of the Virgins, strictly from memory.”)  

How did I stumble upon BLONDE AMBITION?  I was watching/listening to an audio commentary on a different movie when film historian Heather Drain was talking about the infamous Amero Brothers, from their early exploitation films to their foray into adult cinema, which led to BLONDE AMBITION.  She highly recommended this lavish production and I knew I simply had to see it when she quoted the most brilliant, jaw-dropping movie tagline EVER! 

If you liked Deep Throat and Singin’ in the Rain, you're gonna love Blonde Ambition! 

In conclusion…
Well, I did and I do! 

(and you can also love BLONDE AMBITION, if you’re an adult, through Mélusine, the scintillating sister site of Vinegar Syndrome! 😉)

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  BLONDE AMBITION and LET MY PUPPETS COME would make a perfect musical porno double feature! 

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Speaking of double features, DARKENING STURGEONS and HAUNTING STURGEONS are available separately or as a 2-in-1 combo from an Amazon near you… 

The Failure (a short story, of sorts)

   The ignorance was loud and astounding.  

    He sat there in stunned silence as his office coworkers spewed forth ignorance and maybe even hate.  It was difficult to say when hate and ignorance sound so similar.  Either way, he couldn’t believe his ears.

    One coworker theorized that the entertainment industry was trying to get rid of white people.  She complained how there weren’t as many white faces on television and in film these days.  He knew this was a ridiculously bigoted theory and a gross exaggeration, but he bit his tongue.  

    The second coworker agreed with the first coworker’s theory and added one of her own.  With a tone best described as disdain, she complained that when there is a white person on television or in film, they were gay.  He knew this was also a ridiculously bigoted theory and as senseless as the other, but he continued biting his tongue. 

    Deep down, his voice was screaming to put an end to this blatantly racist and homophobic exchange, but what could he say? 

    “I am the whitest white guy you’re ever going to meet and I’m as queer as a two-headed penny, but I’m thrilled to see a variety of people telling their stories, daring to show the world how we are all very much alike!” 

    He could’ve gave voice to the screaming thoughts in his head, but he didn’t.  The community where he lived was predominantly made up of white, conservative, straight Christians.  If one did not fall under all of these categories, then one had to tread with caution.  He knew his place in this so-called community and out of fear of being fired or being labeled the problem worker, he swallowed his anger and sadness over how such intense prejudices continued in the world.

    In the end, he felt like a failure for not speaking up, for not daring to shine a spotlight on the intolerance before him. 
____________
2024, John L. Harmon 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  my queer little books are available from an Amazon near you… 📚 

freakboy on film: MEAN GIRLS (2024)

It’s been a long January with sub-zero arctic temps and a less than stellar paid STURGEONS book promo.  I obviously needed to get out of the house and out of my mind for a bit.  The cinema has always been my home away from home, so I grabbed my mad scientist glasses and walked to my town’s 3-screen theater.  I could’ve checked out THE BOYS IN THE BOAT, but I knew it wasn’t a sequel to THE BOYS IN THE BAND.  THE BEEKEEPER was also playing, but despite the look of the poster, I knew it wasn’t a spin-off of the CANDYMAN franchise.  There was only one film left and I was one of 5 people who caught the Sunday musical matinee of MEAN GIRLS. 

freakboy confessions…
The only things I remember about the original, non-musical 2004 film of the same name is it starred Lindsay Lohan and I thought it felt like a watered-down version of HEATHERS.  That being said, the only thing I knew about the new version was that it’s a musical based on a stage musical, which I heard about at exactly the same moment I heard about the new film.  Whatever, don’t look at me that way!  You know as well as I do that unless they turn John Waters’ DESPERATE LIVING or Andy Milligan’s FLESHPOT ON 42ND STREET into gleefully inappropriate musical extravaganzas, I really don’t give a flying fluffernutter what happens on Broadway!  

Anyhoo, I assume the 2024 version of MEAN GIRLS follows the basic plot of the original.  New girl at school befriends social outcasts but also draws the interest of the popular clique.  Social outcasts convince new girl to infiltrate the popular clique for revenge purposes.  New girl falls for the ex-boyfriend of the popular clique’s leader, culminating in magnificent musical mayhem! 

Yes!  It’s true!  I seriously enjoyed this version of MEAN GIRLS!  I laughed out loud!  I tapped my feet to the beat and may have engaged in some neck-dancing!  In my opinion, the main source of my enjoyment was the energy this film radiated!  I mean, I fully expected glittery confetti to explode from the screen during the deliciously manic “Revenge Party” scene!  

This emotionally charged teen-angst energy is why I am down on my knees (shut up!) and begging stage play scribe/screenwriter Tina Fey to give CARRIE: THE MUSICAL a fresh coat of verbal paint and get directors Samantha Jayne & Arturo Perez Jr. to helm a cinematic disco bloodbath spectacle of this alleged Broadway misfire!  I get thrill-chills just imagining what this terrific trifecta of a team could do with “The World According to Chris” and the title song!  They could inject a MEAN GIRLS energy into CARRIE and probably get me thrown out of the theater when I would start emphatically singing along while having a filmgasm! 

In climax…I mean, conclusion… 
The new musical film version of MEAN GIRLS is just what no hot doctor ordered, but definitely what I needed to momentarily escape my possibly imagined frozen wasteland of mediocre obscurity.  Oh, and I know some haters will totally hate me for this, but much like the 2020 musical version of VALLEY GIRL, the 2024 version of MEAN GIRLS surpasses and improves on its source material.  Deal with it! 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind, exclamation mark heavy words! 

Freak Out, 
JLH

P.S.  freakboy confession…
I have listened to the soundtrack to the stage musical of HEATHERS and it was like I had a brain tumor for breakfast.  Even the RIVERDALE episode couldn’t rescue that travesty of teen-angst tuneful torture! 👎
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Speaking of torture, my books are available from an Amazon near you…

The Emptiness (a short story, of sorts)

Feeling as cold as the dark, icy landscape, the bundled figure trudges alone.  How long has it been since the last encounter with another?  Too long ago and for too brief of time.  Death in this frigid atmosphere is inevitable. 

The ending began with a dimming of their star.  Theories turned to conversations.  Conversations turned to disagreements.  Disagreements turned to arguments.  Arguments turned to war.  War over their perceived differences illuminated by the dimming. 

The bundled figure comes to a halt amidst the frozen desolation with final, futile understanding.  All of the warfare is what collapsed their civilization.  Their dying star only decimated the remnants of their planet, which now drifts lifelessly through the immeasurable void.
____________
2024, John L. Harmon 

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SIDE NOTE: 
In a moment of freaky fate or creative coincidence, I stumbled upon a piece of new music, right after I finished writing the above short story, and I feel it would make the perfect soundtrack. 

Click the pic ⤵️ to listen to “Emptiness in Static” from the minds of Blue Sun Chasing x Armageddon Speaking…

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Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Oh, and Happy New Year or something. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  click the pic ⤵️ for a different story about a different planet…

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Something to read in 2024… 
📗
https://mybook.to/Sturgeons 

4 things I don’t totally hate from 2023…

I’ve been going through the “everything I write is 💩” phase again.  This feeling comes and goes and will hopefully pass soon.  Until then, here are 4 things I don’t totally hate from 2023…

(You know the drill…click the pics ⤵️ to read, watch or whatever…)

1…  I released STURGEONS  (the complete serials) and now there are over 50 copies in the hands of readers around the world.  

(Photo courtesy of The Dobson Family Archive)

2…. I was inspired to write a poem by a freaky doll in the window of a local auction house and I still dig its dark humor. 

(Photo courtesy of The Demonic Auction House)

3…. I purchased a new pair of shoes and ended up creating a video which has been called my best. 

(Poster courtesy of The FreakOptic Files)

4…. I was interviewed by a local newspaper reporter about my books and chunk of vision loss.  I still appreciate that the article appeared on the page opposite the obituaries. 

(Article courtesy of Custer County Chief)

Thank you for your support of my creative endeavors in 2023 and I will half-see you in 2024.

I don’t totally hate this selfie

Freak Out, 
JLH 

 P.S.  One more thing from 2023… I experienced the script to what could be my favorite Andy Milligan film if a print is ever found. 

freakboy on film: SURGIKILL (1989)

It has been way too long since I blogged about Andy Milligan, so I conducted a poll on the site formerly known as Twitter.  Out of the four films listed in the poll, SURGIKILL won.  So, here we are for the last of Milligan’s California excursions.  

Directed by Andy Milligan/Screenplay by Andy Milligan/Story by Sherman Hirsh/Uncredited writing credit: Sid Caplin 

Overseen by Dr. Grace Goode, the Goode Community Hospital was established to help the patients who typically can’t afford medical care.  Well this is a case of getting what you pay for.  The hospital staff is incompetent at best, psychotic at worst, so it isn’t long before patients start dropping off like flies at the hands of a serial killer.  Dr. Goode keeps encouraging everyone to carry on as if nothing is wrong, even when the staff also begin turning up dead.  To top it all off, the hospital is going bankrupt and may be forced to close its doors forever.  

Young doctors in love

What will happen?  Will Dr. Goode find emotional support from Nurse Ratchitt and physical support from Dr. Harvey Harvey?  Will the serial killer be caught before disposing of the entire cast?  Will the hospital close, hopefully also closing the possibility of a sequel?  Well, I can’t force you to suffer through SURGIKILL just to find out. 

Never fear, Nurse Ratchitt is here!

SPOILER ALERT… 
The serial killer is Nurse Ratchitt, who is really Dr. Goode’s cousin in drag.  He wants to discredit Dr. Goode and take over the hospital, but he fails.  After all of that, the surviving staff actually manages to help a patient who has a rich twin brother, so the Goode Community Hospital will keep its doors open.  Yay, I guess. 

Like a Surgeon

I never thought I’d say this, but thankfully Andy Milligan died before he could make another film, sequel or otherwise.  SURGIKILL became the abysmal finale in a career that started off with such a promise of possibilities in VAPORS, reached its zenith with FLESHPOT ON 42ND STREET and then went downhill from there.  Though I think WEIRDO: THE BEGINNING is extremely watchable and is easily his best California excursion.  

The writing in SURGIKILL is a sub-juvenile trip through stale one-liners and sex jokes, with soap opera parody elements which I almost appreciate.  From what I’ve read, some think Andy actually had nothing to do with the script, but my gut says he did.  There are too many Milligan moments, including a line ripped right out of FLESHPOT, even if these moments lack the punch of his East Coast and British films.  Andy’s directing is also severely lacking.  With the exception of a disturbing close-up of a killer’s face while suffocating a patient with a pillow, Milligan seems to have just set up the camera and called, “Action!” without directing the actors.  

He is doomed!

What can I say about the “acting” in SURGIKILL?  Is it bad acting when there barely seems to be any acting at all?  Most of the actors seem to be winging it in every scene, especially the buffoonish orderlies.  I suppose the “thespian” credited as “Bouvier” has a weirdly interesting screen presence as Dr. Grace Goode.  The only other worthy mention is Dan Foster-Jones as Nurse Ratchitt, who gets all the best lines, especially when she is being harassed by an obscene phone caller.  His performance in female nurse drag bares more than a passing similarity to the character of Cherry Lane in FLESHPOT, though Dan Foster-Jones can’t compare with the brilliance of Neil Flanagan! 

In conclusion…
SURGIKILL is a painfully awful mess of a movie that should only be viewed by maladjusted Andy Milligan completists like me.  However, in hindsight, Milligan may have finally succeeded in creating a true cinematic torture dungeon.  In other words, admit yourself to this hospital at your own risk and beg for anesthesia! 

‘Nuff said?

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  This was only my third viewing of SURGIKILL and I realized the screaming of an elderly wheelchair-bound woman as she is pushed down a flight of stairs was dubbed from Maggie Rogers as Mrs. Manning in SEEDS (aka Seeds of Sin).  Was it a loving tribute or just a cheap way to get a good scream?  You decide. 

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My books on Amazon… viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon