Happy Life Day…or something

🎵 You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Malla
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Itchy
But do you recall
The most famous Wookiee of all?🎵 

Wait, what? 

Lumpy is neither a reindeer nor the most famous Wookiee!  That honor goes to Lumpy’s father Chewbacca.  Oh, you didn’t know Chewie has a son?  He also has a frazzled wife named Malla and a  cantankerous father named Itchy.  They are anxiously waiting for Chewbacca to stop smuggling and generally galavanting around that far, far away galaxy with Han Solo and come home to celebrate Life Day. 

What is Life Day?  It’s a day to celebrate family and friends, and to hope for galactic peace or something.  All you have to do is throw on a robe, grab a glowing sphere and go into the light like Carol Anne in POLTERGEIST.  Then you’ll find yourself in some rocky, desolate area where Princess Leia Organa warbles a classic Life Day ditty, while Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2-D2 look on with varying degrees of interest. 

Before you get to hang with STAR WARS Legacy Characters in Life Day Limbo, you have to pay your dues by spending way too much time with Malla, Itchy and Lumpy.  You will have to sit through a cooking lesson with Malla and a multiple-armed alien Julia Child, played by Harvey Korman.  You’ll have to wonder what the hell is going on when Itchy gets overly excited by a trippy virtual reality song performed by Diahann Carroll.  Then there is Lumpy.  You will be forced to watch Lumpy refuse to do the dishes, take out the trash, try to steal a cookie and generally behave like a bratty prototype of an Ewok.  

Malla wishes she had used Wookiee birth control 

I honestly don’t remember if I watched THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL back in the day, but surely I did.  I mean, I may have been a very little kid, but I was a huge fan.  Maybe I blocked out the experience for the sake of my sanity.  So, my first memorable viewing was in the early 2000’s when I picked up a bootleg VHS copy at a comic book store.  This sketchy copy had all the authentic 1970’s commercials and the “Fighting the Frizzies” news promo.  For worse, or maybe better, the bootleg DVD I ordered from eBay appears to be a somewhat spiffed up print, at least compared to the VHS, that is commercial and frizzy free.  It’s almost what it would be like if George Lucas or Disney+ finally released an official version. 

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL needs to be seen to be believed.  It’s a strange mixture of a made-for-TV movie and a variety show.  Who was the target audience in 1978?  I’m sure my 5-year-old  self would’ve been glued to the television set in a frenzied desire to see more of the characters I saw on the big screen.  I doubt I would’ve cared about Chewbacca’s family, Art Carney as a shopkeeper and Bea Arthur as a bartender at the Cantina.  Though, decades later, Bea Arthur singing a farewell song to drunken aliens is a highlight for me.  

Another highlight is the animated STAR WARS adventure Lumpy covertly watches while Imperial Stormtroopers search their tree house home.  The animation has a funky 70’s look and introduces badass bounty hunter Boba Fett a couple of years before THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  This alone makes THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL worth watching. 

In conclusion…
Ridiculous, weird and sometimes just plain painful, THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL is a time capsule of 1970’s television and a testament to the impact A NEW HOPE had on pop culture.  The fact they got the original cast, sans Alec Guinness, is truly remarkable and is another reason to watch.  So, if you’re in the mood for a certain kind of Yuletide sci-fi cheese, or you’re a STAR WARS completist, THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL is the festive tradition you didn’t know you needed…and you can find it on YouTube.  It’s honestly better than some of the more recent theatrical films.  

Chewie agrees with my assessment

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Disney+ released THE LEGO STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL in 2020 and it’s a fun, satirical love letter to the original special and the entire STAR WARS universe.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
Click an episode for more STAR WARS…
Episode I
Episode II 
Episode III 
Episode IV 
Episode V
Episode VI 
Episode VII
Episode VIII 
Episode IX 

The Day I Slaughtered a Pumpkin

 A gardening friend gave me a pumpkin. 

What the hell am I supposed to do with a pumpkin? 

She suggested making a pie.  

I said I could try, but I had my doubts I would. 

Yet, I did.

Two, actually. 

I found a recipe on the Food Network website… 

(Click here for the details) 

…and then grabbed a big knife! 🔪 

First, I decapitated the stem, like I was about to carve a jack o’lantern.  Then I cut the pumpkin’s body in half and disemboweled it.  As if saving a souvenir from my kill, I placed the gooey, seedy guts safely aside.

Someone is ignoring the “No Smoking” sign

Throwing the two oiled-up halves in the oven for a half hour or so made it easier to slice the pumpkin meat from its skin.  Then I pounded the meat hard until it became a smooth, creamy substance.  Adding molasses, cinnamon, ginger and other stuff, I stirred until it was time to fill the store bought pie crusts.  (My deepest apologies to Ms. Floridia Minch) 

My pies use protection

Around an hour later, I had two (mostly) made from scratch pies.  Surprisingly, unlike the chocolate salt lick pie I made in home-ec class, my pumpkin pies were quite tasty.  I even shared one pie with my gardening friend, our mutual friend and a few librarians.  The best part about that was nobody but the pumpkin died from my baking experiment.

This is the day when 1 becomes 2

As for my souvenir, I washed the guts off the pumpkin seeds and let them dry.  Then I pored a little canola oil in a bowl, added a pinch of salt and mixed in the seeds.  After draining the excess oil, I baked them on a cookie sheet for 20 minutes at 350° F, turning the seeds every 5 minutes.  What I learned from this is that unborn pumpkins taste a lot like big sunflower seeds. 

Seeds of Sin?

I also learned that my grandma must have really, really loved us for some reason.  Why else would she have cooked multiple pies and dinners a year over many years?  I mean, I was wiped out just from making the two pies this one time.  

In other words, while I’m glad I made the pies, I don’t love anyone enough to make a habit out of slaughtering pumpkins. 😏

2021 - 2021 🪦 

Happy Thanksgiving or whatever.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  click the pic ⤵️ to get hardcore thankful…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In case you need to escape a family gathering… 

freakboy muses music: HAVE YOURSELF A SCARY LITTLE CHRISTMAS (Tales from the Crypt)

'Twas the fright before Christmas 

And all through the crypt 

Not a creature was stirring 

'Cept those being whipped 

('Twas the Fright Before Christmas) 

1994 

              (The Right Stuff Records}

For someone who doesn't really celebrate Christmas in a traditional way, I seem to have lots of Christmas traditions involving films, television and music.  Being a fan of E.C. Comics (even though I can no longer read them), who also enjoys potentially offensive festive offerings, this Christmas album was destined to be in my life.

The Crypt-Keeper 

a self-promoting cadaverous whore after my own decaying heart.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT was a notorious 1950's horror comic book that would, several decades later, be turned into an HBO anthology television series.  The Crypt-Keeper, literally a decaying corpse, would bookend each episode with morbid puns and ghoulish fun.  In hindsight, it's no stretch of the imagination that a sly, clever, gruesome Christmas album would happen.  

          Lizzie Borden lost her folks 

          Gave'em 40 whacks 

          She wants a brand new mom and pop 

          And, of course, an axe 

          (Christmas Rap) 

HAVE YOURSELF A SCARY LITTLE CHRISTMAS finds The Crypt-Keeper singing festive, ghoul-tide ditties to lift your holiday spirits from the dead.  That old bag of bones charms us with songs about decorating with body parts, poisoning his family, a horror-filled wish list and a New Year's Eve party for the recently and long-ago deceased, to name a few cheerful tuneful topics.  It's a heartwarming album for the entire Manson family and yours, if you're not part of the P.C. Police.  

Stockings stuffed with ears and fingers 

Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la 

           Chopped from all those caroling singers 

Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la 

(Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie) 

This album is not for overly sensitive 21st Century ears.  Consider this your five-alarm trigger-happy warning.  With a few Santa fat jokes and one sly cross-dressing jab at J. Edgar Hoover, there is plenty of material for internet bots to be outraged over.  I could get on my soapbox in the town square to rant about how the human race is censoring itself into oblivion, but it's cold outside.

Anyhoo, before I bury my blog six feet under....Have a Merry Cryptmas and Horrific New Year!  

The champagne flows 

And bubbles pop 

Capote hugs Babe Ruth 

While Lincoln does the bunny hop 

With actor John Wilkes Booth 

(Should Old Cadavers Be Forgot) 

Thank you for reading or listening to my potentially offensive half-blind words.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S. Ho Ho Ho...

~~~~~~~~~~

DARK EXCURSIONS 

(a modern take on gothic romance) 

The perfect gift for the soap nut in your life! 🎁😉 

https://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/dark-excursions-complete-set.html