The Handy-Dandy Helpful Junk Jaunt Doomsday Guide!

Are you living in constant fear that the psychopaths disguised as world leaders will carelessly start World War III? 

Are you scared that the interstellar visitors in our solar system are comets or asteroids heading for a direct impact with Earth? 

Are you freaking out that those interstellar visitors might actually be an alien invasion fleet coming to conquer humanity?  

Well, if you answered YES to any of those End-of-the-World Scenarios… 

FEAR NO MORE!  

All your Doomsday Preparation Needs can be found along the Junk Jaunt in Broken Bow, Nebraska! 

Enter at your own risk!

Stock your Fallout Shelter  Pantry with a 15 ounce can of crisp, refreshing water because less is more!  

Just skim the rust off!

Grab a Geiger counter to aid in detecting those pesky radiation leaks in your DIY Fallout Shelter! 

Safety first!

Pick up a homemade figurine to support a local artist and to brighten up your otherwise drab Fallout Shelter! 

Stylish & inevitable!

If you don’t have a Fallout Shelter, just Duck and Cover!  

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Don’t forget to stock your Fallout Shelter Library with titles you’ll want to read over and over again during the Alien Occupation or Nuclear Winter, whichever comes first! 

Future post-apocalyptic bestsellers!

freakboy on film: CRITTERS 3 (1991)

Click for more reviews

Earlier this year, I dropped the shocking revelation of how much I love TITANIC (1997).  So, when Brian from FILMS FROM BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER announced The Third 'Favorite Stars in B Movies' Blogathon, I had to think about it.  I mean, I already blogged about Rock Hudson going all mad scientist and Bette Davis & Joan Crawford taking sibling rivalry to the extreme.  This time I wanted to write about an acting talent before fame came a-knockin’.  After scrolling through and striking out with the IMDb pages of a few well-known names, I thought of TITANIC and suddenly, I was king of the blogging world!  I would review Leonardo DiCaprio in the direct-to-video sequel CRITTERS 3! 

I’ll never let go, Jack.

screenplay by David J. Schow/directed by Kristine Peterson

In case you don’t know, CRITTERS is a sci-fi/horror film franchise about ferocious little aliens who devour everything in their path.  They even have porcupine-like quills they can shoot to paralyze their prey.  CRITTERS (1986) is the best of the GREMLINS rip-offs.  The original centers around a farm family fighting against the killer alien furballs and was inspired by an allegedly true incident in Kentucky from 1955.  Several eyewitnesses claim to have defended their farm from little aliens whose flying saucer had landed nearby.  (Click Kelly–Hopkinsville Encounter for more on this interesting piece of very American history.) 

Not a deluxe apartment in the sky.

After two films set in a small Kansas town, the Critters are movin’ on up to a rundown big city apartment building.  The tenants range from kids to senior citizens and they have more to deal with than just ravenous alien creatures.  There’s an apartment manager being paid to drive everyone away by releasing rats in the building and causing random power cuts.  The man behind the manager’s nastiness is a despicable slumlord who wants to tear down the apartment building in order to build a mini-mall.  However, the tenants and the Critters have other ideas!  

Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!

CRITTERS 3 is generally entertaining for what it is.  It’s nowhere as good as the first one, but has its moments.  The elderly couple were my favorite characters, played by Frances Bay and Bill Zuckert.  I was pleasantly surprised to see Diana Bellamy as another tenant.  She would go on to play Principal Hall in the TV series POPULAR (1999-2001).  Oh, and it would be a crime to forget Don Keith Opper who, for a third time, played former town drunk turned bounty hunter, Charlie.  For some reason, Charlie lost his badass bounty hunter outfit from the second one and is dressed similar to Wilbur Finletter from the KILLER TOMATOES franchise, minus the parachute. 

Charlie & Wilbur: fashionistas from another mother.

Last, but not least, there is Leonardo DiCaprio.  I hesitate to call him a “favorite” actor of mine, but I have seen a number of his films.  TITANIC is obviously my favorite, but I also enjoyed REVOLUTIONARY ROAD (2008), which re-teamed him with Kate Winslet in a different way.  As for CRITTERS 3, DiCaprio played Josh, who is the stepson of the slumlord.  Leo was a good child actor, but, in my opinion, he didn’t stand out.  He did as good of job as the other kids in the cast.  Honestly, something about his acting style, maybe his delivery, reminded me a whole lot of Edward Furlong in TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991).  For the record, this is not a positive comparison, but Leo would’ve been a better, less annoying choice for that role.   I had to check and it appears young Leonardo DiCaprio neither auditioned for nor was considered for the role of John Conner.  Though somewhere, in an alternate reality, Edward Furlong was in CRITTERS 3 and TITANIC, while Leo starred in TERMINATOR 2 and John Waters’ PECKER (1998). 

Leo isn’t quite sure of that career path.

In conclusion… 

As with most sequels,  CRITTERS 3 is an entertaining, forgettable distraction that can’t touch the clever, freaky fun of the first film.  So, if your filmic OCD compels you to watch every film in a franchise or you’re a Leonardo DiCaprio completist, CRITTERS 3 may be the film for you!  

SIDE NOTE:A few years before Stella got her groove back, Angela Bassett stood out in CRITTERS 4 (1992), but that’s another post for another time. 

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  Speaking of little critters devouring everything, dare to visit the town of STURGEONS… Population: 4,017 and dropping…

freakboy on film: NOWHERE (1997)

I Googled my book (Dark Excursions: the complete set) one evening and spotted a copy on eBay.  This lead me down an eBay rabbit hole of searching for whatever popped into my mind.  Eventually, a DVD of Gregg Araki's NOWHERE was on my screen and it was reasonably priced.  So, I placed my very first order from eBay.  I've enjoyed a lot of the Araki films, but this one has long been my favorite and I had been hoping to find it on DVD for years.

What is NOWHERE? 

Well...

                    "Are we still in reality?" - Dingbat 

(written & directed by Gregg Araki)

Dark is having a really strange day.  His girlfriend believes in giving love and sex freely to anyone.  A dreamy boy from class has been occupying his mind.  He feels his time is near, like a premonition of his own death.  An alien (directly out of Star Trek) is wandering around abducting people.  Oh, and it's Armageddon Day, but all Dark wants is someone to love him completely.  What's a morose 1990's teen gonna do?  Buy a bunch of CD's, play kick the can, go to a drug-fueled party and brood, of course. 

What else can I say about this neon saturated, alterna-pop, frenzied sci-fi, satirical drama of teen angst and ennui at the end of the world?  The plot, if there is one, weaves through various oddly named characters and their romantic entanglements.  All of these threads connect through sex, violence and music, culminating at Jujyfruit's party, the social event of the season.  When viewing NOWHERE, I recommend checking your critical mind at the door and just go with the crazy dialogue, the surreal visuals and the fun cameos. 

Beverly D'Angelo (Vacation) is Dark's loudly blunt mom.  Eve Plumb and Christopher Knight (The Brady Bunch) are parents of a very troubled son.  David Leisure (Empty Nest) is a father to a very troubled daughter.  Charlotte Rae (The Facts of Life) is an intense street corner fortune teller.  Lauren Tewes (The Love Boat) is a talking head on the perpetually bad news program.  John Ritter (Three's Company) is a televangelist leading the teens to a questionable salvation.  Plus, in a tragically all too brief scene, Traci Lords (Cry-Baby), Shannen Doherty (Heathers) and Rose McGowan (Scream) turn up as a trio of post-'80's Val-Chicks.

There is also plenty of familiar faces to be seen in the main cast.  James Duval (Independence Day) is our moody protagonist Dark.  Rachel True (The Craft) is free-lovin' Mel.  Ryan Phillippe (Cruel Intentions) is oversexed Shad.  Heather Graham (Boogie Nights) is sex bomb of little to say "Dogs eating people is cool" Lilith.  Scott Caan (Varsity Blues) is the nice guy with the epitome of nice guy names...Ducky.  I could go on and on with this list but there is one familiar face that stands out and is truly a revelation.

Christina Applegate (Married With Children) expertly leaves vixenish Kelly Bundy far behind as awkward, kind of nerdish Dingbat.  She's smart, down-to-earth, and brave, despite her ridiculous name.  There's a genuine sweetness and innocence in Dingbat, which is a stark contrast to the debauchery going on around her.  In a film full of highlights, Christina Applegate shines bright and gets some great lines.  "Am I like the only person on this cosmic plane who ever goes to class?"

So, that is NOWHERE in a nutshell. 

The DVD I ordered arrived in about a week and was exactly in the condition described.  My only complaint, which has nothing to do with the seller, is the company which released this DVD omitted a post-end credits scene.  A little disappointing, but I can live with this oversight.  Overall, the first half of my first eBay experience was a success.  Yes, there's a DVD of a recently reviewed film heading my way from Greece.  It probably won't arrive until 2021. 

In conclusion, watch your step, grab a corn dog, keep an eye out for roving gangs named after classic gaming systems and enjoy NOWHERE!  

"I'm outta here." - ????? 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  A recently reviewed film... 

http://freakboyzone.blogspot.com/2020/11/freakboy-on-film-fleshpot-on-42nd.html 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Collective Eye for December is open!

https://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2020/12/the-collective-eye-december-2020.html

channel freakboy: EERIE, INDIANA (1991-1992)

I was probably not NBC's target audience when this half-hour series premiered in 1991, but TWIN PEAKS was over and I needed my weird fix.  So, I decided to visit EERIE, INDIANA.  Once I relocated, I made new fictional friends, met Dawson's mom before she moved to the Creek, and saw strange sights, such as Bigfoot, Elvis and aliens.  Plus, I encountered Sgt. Knight (Harry Goaz), who was obviously really Deputy Andy working undercover for the Twin Peaks Police Department.  Yes, it turned out EERIE, INDIANA was the perfect new home for me. 

Eerie is also a new home for Marshall Teller (Omri Katz).  His father (Francis Guinan) moved the family to Indiana to escape the dangers of New Jersey.  What Marshall's father, mother (Mary-Margaret Humes) and sister (Julie Condra) fail to realize is that this seemingly normal town is chock full of weird dangers.  Plastic storage kitchenware-obsessed housewives who never age!  An ATM gone sentient!   A tornado with a grudge!  A corn cult, but not the Stephen King variety.  Plus there is the perilous paradox of observing Daylight Savings Time!  How can a 13-year-old boy deal with this level of crazy by himself? 

Thankfully, Marshall is not alone.  His best friend Simon Holmes (Justin Shenkarow) is at his side while investigating the strange goings-on around town.  Will they solve the mystery of why Eerie is the center of weirdness?  Will the curious collection of mementos from their adventures be discovered?  Will Marshall's family ever get a clue?  

Sadly, we will never know.  EERIE, INDIANA was cancelled after one season.  However, much like some other short-lived series, it burned bright.  Especially in Reality Takes a Holiday.  The final episode begins with Marshall skipping a family outing and then finding a script of EERIE, INDIANA in the mailbox.  What follows is wickedly clever fun and a strangely satisfying conclusion to a truly original, offbeat series. 

To add to the offbeat madness, director Joe Dante (Gremlins) helmed some of the episodes and I can't help but believe he was behind sprinkling the series with quirky-cool guest stars.  Dick Miller (Gremlins) and Henry Gibson (Laugh-In) helped the residents of Eerie lose things.  Matt Frewer (Max Headroom) literally dropped in as a tornado hunter.  Rene Auberjonois (Star Trek; Deep Space Nine) made Eerie a devilish deal.  Ray Walston (My Favorite Martian) was surrounded by a bunch of corn-heads.  Last, but not least, a freakishly young Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man) appeared as a ghost with a romantic problem. 

In conclusion, I had not seen this series since it originally aired and I think it holds up.  The stories are fun, freaky, clever and often not afraid to touch upon mature themes such as death and fighting parents.  So, if you crave something a little different, pay a visit to EERIE, INDIANA.  Marshall and Simon will gladly show you around the weirdness. 

(SIDE NOTE - At the time of this writing, Amazon Prime is streaming EERIE, INDIANA and a spin-off series from 1998 that I never knew existed.  I'm one episode into EERIE, INDIANA: THE OTHER DIMENSION and I think it's off to a potentially good start.) 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  I wonder what Marshall and Simon would think of the supernatural weirdness happening in Collinsport, Maine...

https://freakboyzone.blogspot.com/2020/01/channel-freakboy-dark-shadows-door-to.html  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just like the eye in the beginning credits of EERIE, INDIANA....

...The Collective Eye for November is open...

https://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2020/11/the-collective-eye-november-2020.html