To Ride a Giant Turd (a look at John Waters’ FLAMINGOS FOREVER)

 

I knew TRASH TRIO existed.  I even flipped through a copy at Barnes & Noble once, but for some inexplicable reason I did NOT purchase it!  Maybe I was young and idealistic?  I mean, I probably didn’t want to trash the Divine filth of PINK FLAMINGOS by reading the screenplay of the unfilmed sequel!  Either that or I couldn’t afford to buy it at the time and didn’t have the nerve to steal it.  (I hear John Waters sighing in disappointment) 

So, when I sat down to order a book written by filmmaker Ed Wood, Jr, I suddenly recalled that missed opportunity and corrected it.  Both books arrived on the same day, but I knew which I was going to read first.  (Sorry, Ed.)  Instead of skipping to FLAMINGOS FOREVER, I read the two other screenplays included in TRASH TRIO.  It was fun to hear my tablet recite vulgar dialogue from PINK FLAMINGOS and DESPERATE LIVING, but it was a way to extend anticipation.  A way to make me crave the answer to one of the world’s biggest mysteries…

What happened after Divine ate dog shit at the end of PINK FLAMINGOS? 

Well, it’s 15 years later and a gaggle of filth followers joyously welcome Divine and her dysfunctionally functional family back to Baltimore, Maryland and their new treehouse hideaway.  Divine is pleased with the accomidations and so is her egg-free mother Edie.  Sadly, Edie and The Eggman are divorced, so now Edie freaks out, in a negative way, when she sees an egg.  Cotton, Divine’s traveling companion, is satisfied with her voyeuristic porno room.  Crackers, Divine’s son, is super eager to try out his murder room.  Duane, an intense 8 year-old boy in drag with thick glasses, loves his modeling area.  Who is Duane?  He is the son of Divine and her son Crackers.  Yup, Divine is the mother to her own grandson, but, in her defense, she has to uphold the title of Filthiest Person Alive and what better way to do so!

(SIDE NOTE: Both Cotton and Crackers have “II” after their names in the screenplay.  I’m not clear why, but I assume John Waters didn’t expect the original actors to reprise the roles.)

Across town reside Vera & Wilbur Venninger, two jealous perverts who run a funeral home and consider themselves the filthiest people alive.  Are they?  Well, Wilbur practices necrophilia with his clients while Vera keeps kidnapped children in a dungeon, forcing them to shoot-up heroin and smoke cigarettes.  To top it all off, a magic mirror session reveals Vera is the sister of Connie Marble, who is currently burning in Hell after being executed by Divine in PINK FLAMINGOS.  Connie wants Divine dead, and so does Vera & Wilbur.  The unhinged couple plan to take Divine out in order to truly be the filthiest people alive and also as a step towards world domination!  

(SIDE NOTE: The magic mirror must be a reference to a thankfully deleted scene from PINK FLAMINGOS.  See the Criterion edition for more.) 

Besides her family and followers, Divine meets another warrior to join her in this new battle of filth.  Velveeta Jones is a 400 pound black woman who rapes men by day and relaxes in a tub of Jell-O by night.  The incomparable Jean Hill, so memorable as Grizelda in DESPERATE LIVING, was to bring Velveeta Jones to glorious life on the big screen and she would’ve been brilliant!  This truly unique character, more than anything, almost makes me wish FLAMINGOS FOREVER would’ve been filmed.  However, Velveeta’s bodyguard Puddles, “a rough-looking male impersonator in blackface,” would be seriously problematic. 

Now we come to the biggest question…

Does Divine retain her title of Filthiest Person Alive? 

WARNING!

SPOILERS AHEAD! 

Yes, she does, but it’s a hard won battle!  After being confronted by her biological clean-freak parents and dealing with (adopted mother) Edie’s newfound addiction to communism, Divine teams up with Velveeta.  They free the kidnapped children and take dumps in all of the toilets in the Venninger home.  Vera and Wilbur are chased by flying turds and Wilbur is ultimately sexed to death by Velveeta.  Vera escapes and drops a bomb on Divine’s treehouse hideaway, seeming to win the battle of filth, but did she?

Vera shows up in disguise at Divine’s funeral, but it’s all a ruse.  The coffin spins wildly and Divine emerges triumphant!  She and her family and followers burn Vera at the stake, toasting marshmallows in celebration!  Cut to Divine, Edie, Cotton, Crackers and Duane leaving Baltimore.  They spot a dog taking a dump and it’s easy to assume Divine is going to have a second helping, but nope!  The turd grows to an enormous size scaring the dog away, and Divine and her dysfunctionally functional family climb aboard.  Then they fly away on the giant turd, like a magic carpet of filth!  

So, there you have it and I’m not quite sure what it is.  Some of the screenplay made me laugh out loud.  Vera using the kidnapped kids as terrorists to destroy a suburban child’s birthday party was so wrong, but so right.  Some of it made me cringe.  We really didn’t need to know about Divine’s past.  Then certain aspects made me roll my eyes.  Divine having supernatural powers (she floats off the ground when angered) seemed a step too far off the deep end.  Ultimately, I believe if FLAMINGOS FOREVER had been filmed, it would’ve been the end of John Waters’ career.  There would be no HAIRSPRAY or SERIAL MOM or PECKER and that would be tragic. 

(SIDE NOTE: I’m surprised John Waters hasn’t found a brave artist to turn FLAMINGOS FOREVER into a graphic novel!)

In conclusion…

If you’re a John Waters fanatic, you MUST find a copy of TRASH TRIO so you can fully experience what might have been with FLAMINGOS FOREVER! 

If you’re not a John Waters fanatic, then skip it and go back to reading safe, overly-polished books. 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words!

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S. Click the pic ⤵️ for my review of the Criterion edition of PINK FLAMINGOS! 🦩 

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My 2 paperbacks and 7 ebooks (so far) are available at an AMAZON near you! 📚