So, catch up or refresh your memory of Sturgeons with the original 2013 blog serial by clicking the pic...(and then following the link at the end of each chapter)
Unless you prefer an ebook to a series of blogposts...
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words!
(written by Nico Mastorakis & Fred Perry / directed by Nico Mastorakis)
I’m not sure if Prime Video recommended BLIND DATE because I’m visually impaired or because I’ve previously watched ‘80’s cheese. Either way, I knew I was going to slide on my Mad Scientist Glasses to see what I would see.
What did I see?
Well...
I could clearly see Jonathan Ratcliff is a skeevy stalker. After spotting blond bombshell model Rachel, he convinces himself that she might really be an old girlfriend who was attacked and institutionalized. During one of his stalking excursions, Jonathon watches Rachel making out with a man in a car. The man spots Jonathon and chases him through the woods. Suddenly Jonathon is on the ground and then in the hospital with his eyes bandaged.
How many fingers am I holding up?
I paused the film and asked my sister what happened. Jonathon ran into a tree limb or something and now he’s blind. This is why I wear safety (dance) glasses when I’m out after dark. So, I unpaused and could see Claire, Jonathon’s coworker/bedroom buddy/girlfriend, worrying about him as he deals with his newfound blindness.
Gaze into my eyes.
One of the most realistic moments in BLIND DATE happens when Jonathon, completely frustrated at his lack of sight, grabs his stick and ventures outside alone. In the early days of my chunk of vision loss, I experienced a similar need to do an everyday thing by myself. Thankfully, my frustrated walk didn’t end with me being accosted on a subway platform by a goofier version of The T-Birdsfrom GREASE & GREASE 2. My sister theorized that the three guys were just bored, rich, white kids pretending to be a 1950’s gang. She was expecting them to pull out switchblades and start dancing.
Hey, I didn’t write this nonsense!
After that weirdness, a doctor offers Jonathon the opportunity to see again, but only in computerized outlines. There’s another catch, of course. If the doctor implants the computer chip, Jonathon will lose all chances to regain his eyesight. You see, the doctor claims there is no physical reason for Jonathon’s blindness, other than stupidity and voyeuristic pocket-pool, so this is a huge risk. I honestly don’t know if I would take the chance, but Jonathon does.
One day I’ll meet a man who isn’t stalking me.
Now only seeing life as vague digital sketches, with the aid of a Sony Walkman, Jonathon goes right back to stalking Rachel. Somewhere along the way, he witnesses a murder. This leads to a chase scene up a lot of stairs to the roof. Somehow Jonathon doesn’t trip or fall and I call shenanigans.
Not only can Jonathon run around like he has 20/20 vision, he can also drive a car without even getting into a fender bender. Plus, while his computer chip/Sony Walkman doesn’t allow him to read, he can now decipher a cursive handwritten note just by tracing the pencil marks with a finger. He accomplishes all of this without any practice whatsoever! At this point, I was rooting for the serial killer to kill everyone in the film.
Oh, did I forget to mention the serial killer? Well, feeling like someone was flipping channels to a different film, there are multiple scenes where an unknown assailant stalks and kills dark-haired women. No gore is shown because it’s really just an excuse to expose breasts. Eventually, these two eye-rolling plots merge into a single ridiculous one. The serial killer and Jonathon, failing to see eye-to-eye, face off for Rachel’s life near a swimming pool. The male serial killer is running around in a Speedo, which is only fair after all the gratuitous boob shots. #equality
BLIND DATE is a quintessential 1980’s flick. Music, sex, glamour, computers, Atari video games, yuppies, Velcro shoes. Honestly, some of it is so ‘80’s that it almost feels like a modern movie trying to capture the essence of the decade of excess. Though I hope Jonathon’s hairstyle was a very short-lived phenomenon.
Just say no to bad hair.
Joseph Bottoms, as Jonathon, is kind of believable as a creep stalker turned blind man, but fails to convince as a blind man turned action hero. Kirstie Alley, as Claire, is easily the best actor in the bunch. Too bad her character disappears for a large chunk of the film. Lana Clarkson, as Rachel, doesn’t have much to do other than to look pretty and be stalked by our “hero”. James Daughton, as Rachel’s boyfriend, is serviceable, but all I kept seeing was the “grain episode” of the 1974 PLANET OF THE APES television series. Keir Dullea, as the doctor for Sony laboratories, is unfortunately forgettable. Oh, and heads up to STAR TREK geeks, Marina Sirtis turns up as a victim of the serial killer.
Counselor Troi offers more than empathy.
As if all this wasn’t enough, my sister mentioned there was something during the ending credits about Jonathan Ratcliff returning in RUN, STUMBLE, FALL. I immediately questioned if this happened, so I had to check IMDb. For some unimaginablereason, this sequel never materialized, but we are living in the age of reboots, so there’s always a possibility.
In conclusion, I could easily see that BLIND DATE isn’t a great film, but I was somehow entertained by its preposterous plot, even as I was groaning and calling shenanigans at every turn. The film moves right along and is good for a cheesy slide down a 1980’s tech-thriller rabbit hole. However, I must give it an A for effort. I mean, a blind action hero is a fantastic idea. It just could’ve been done better, and maybe have a title that makes sense with the plot.
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. a different post about a different blind date...
I blogged about SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED earlier this year, which I still totally recommend if you crave something a bit different.Near the end of that post, I threatened you with another Yeti film review.Well, I dug out a very special DVD, blew the dust off the case and once again experienced...
YETI: A LOVE STORY (2006)
written by...
Adam Deyoe, Eric Gosselin, Jim Martin, Moses Roth
directed by...
Adam Deyoe & Eric Gosselin
Five so-called friends...Adam, Emily, Dick, Sally and Joe...go camping for some reason. Along the way they visit a freak show of sorts, meet a charming man named Sex Piss and run into a Yeti cult. See, this is why camping, in films and in real life, is NEVER a good idea.
The Yeti cult uses a local Yeti and his sizable tool to sacrifice frat boys. While I cannot condone the method, the idea of less frat boys in the world seems a worthy goal for a cult. Anyhoo, an actual plot arises when a seriously sketchy priest sends Emily forth on a Holy Crusade to end the Yeti cult. To complicate matters and make them ridiculous, homophobic jerk Adam suddenly falls in love with the Yeti and his sizable tool.
If you haven’t guessed already, this is a Troma Team release. Oh, you’re not familiar with Troma? Well, first remove the enormous stick from your stuffy sponge cakehole and then mentally prepare for anything. Gore, bodily fluids, bad acting, nonsensical plot twists, silly dialogue, weird nudity, oddball sex and other offensive stuff. It’s good, clean family fun, if you’re part of the Manson family.
This pretty much sums up YETI: A LOVE STORY. It’s an incredible film in the sense that it’s extremely low budget and intentionally bad. This masterpiece of mess is seriously crazy, gross and not for the easily offended. I can’t say I love this film, but I haven’t been able to part with the DVD, so that says something about my mental state. BTW, you can purchase an out-of-print copy from Amazon or eBay for around $60. Thankfully I only paid a dollar for my copy at a brick & mortar BOGO sale.
While researching this beloved classic on IMDb, I was SHOCKED to learn that the WTF? twist ending was only the WTF? beginning. So, I immediately downloaded the Tubi app and experienced...
ANOTHER YETI A LOVE STORY: LIFE ON THE STREETS (2017)
story by...
Adam Deyoe
written by...
Eric Gosselin & Jim Martin
directed by...
Adam Deyoe & Eric Gosselin
Adam, grieving the loss of his Yeti boyfriend, has moved to L.A. with Eddie, his Yeti love child. (Don’t ask. Just don’t). All seems well, until all is not. Eddie has been Yeti-napped by Pimp Billy, who is conducting mysteriously gross cloning experiments at his strip club. How gross? Sex Piss is back...in more ways than one.
Now it’s up to Adam and best friend Dick to save baby Eddie the Yeti, but they are not alone. Stripper Angel Snowflake and a drug addicted Yeti hooker do what they can to help. Will this ragtag group of nutjobs save baby Eddie the Yeti? Will Dick find love with the stripper? Will Adam find new love with another Yeti and his sizable tool? You can imagine, even if you don’t want to.
The most shocking thing about ANOTHER YETI A LOVE STORY: LIFE ON THE STREETS is that it breaks the sequel rule by being better than the first one. Yes, the sequel is also crazy, gross and all sorts of offensive, but the script is wittier and made me laugh way more than I expected. The acting still won’t win any awards, but the thespians fully throw themselves into their unbelievable roles.
In conclusion, I can only recommend these Yeti films if you are an immature adult who loves low budget bad movies and is not offended by much. Seriously, YETI: A LOVE STORY and it’s sequel celebrates political incorrectness and revels in grossness. So, stay away from the vulgarity if you’re a precious wilting flower or sit back and embrace the insanity if you’re a nasty freak like me.
Oh, and I hope everyone had a memorable Pride Month!🌈
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. Here is a post from a fellow blogger about potentially better, or at least more sane Bigfoot/Yeti films...
The B-52’s haven’t released an album of new music in over a decade.
Ok yeah, sure, I purchased the CD of Julie Brown’s GODDESS IN PROGRESS, which included a handful of new-to-me tracks, but that wasn’t enough.
I craved a wholly new album from an old favorite.
Then out of the neon pink cotton candy sky, like an angry alterna-rock-punk fairy godmother, Shirley Manson and her men rained shredded valentines, stapled with bloodied thorns and coated with succulent piss and vinegar upon the world. I stood with my mouth open wide asthe golden crimson shower of NO GODS NO MASTERS seeped through the cracks in my mindskin..
Shirley and company pop a few coins into the arcade and take perfect aim at THE MEN WHO RULE THE WORLD and how they’ve left us in a mess.
They then look inward in a self-doubt double feature anthem. THE CREEPS, with its alternative-rockabilly sound declares emphatically...”I cannot let my feelings to keep hijacking my brain”...even though you’ll probably choke in the end. UNCOMFORTABLY ME is a relatable ballad for anyone who has wasted time hating oneself. I think UNCOMFORTABLY ME makes a great prequel song to BELOVED FREAK from NOT YOUR KIND OF PEOPLE.
I have never heard a song quite like WOLVES. It’s like a break-up song from the horrible ex you are way better off without. Even in the end the jerk is manipulating and lying... “No one can say that I didn’t need you...that I didn’t want you...that I didn’t love you.”
For part of the album title being called NO GODS, there is a lot of God popping up. WAITING FOR GOD is a serious cry for hope in a hopeless world. GODHEAD is a feminist manifesto for the 21st Century woman, with wonderfully direct lyrics. “Would you deceive me...if I had a dick?”
“Love is pain...” is the lesson learned in ANONYMOUS XXX, a sultry sounding exploration of the fantasy of online encounters and maybe some real life ones, too.
A WOMAN DESTROYED is a look at a woman on a steady path of revenge. It’s like the woman of VOW, from their self-titled debut album, has matured, becoming more methodical and dangerous. You can imagine the dust on her boots as she tracks her target with a western vigilante vibe. On the flip side is FLIPPING THE BIRD. A woman, with an emotionally abusive sugar daddy finds little ways to assert her independence instead of finding self-respect by leaving. Easily the weakest track, but hopefully my interpretation is wrong.
I must say that if my 20-something self had heard the title track NO GODS NO MASTERS, he would’ve embraced it as an anthem celebrating independence, no matter if he ended up making more mistakes. Untethered from those who tried to pin their rigid expectations upon him, 20-something me would’ve loudly sang the lyrics in the shower. “The future is mine just the same. No master or gods to obey.” Honestly, my current day self may do the same.
As usual, GARBAGE ends an album on a somber note with THE CITY WILL KILL YOU. Well, that is if you don’t count the 8 previously released bonus tracks. They were released as singles over the years and I’m thrilled they are included here, especially since I never purchased them Individually.
In conclusion, I thoroughly enjoyed NO GODS NO MASTERS. It made me feel cold, anxious and eager, while putting a wicked grin on my lips. What more can one of the queerest of the queer ask of their angry alterna-rock-punk fairy godmother?
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.
I attended a cousin’s outdoor wedding on June 5th. The weather was surprisingly comfortable and I dragged my friend Jody along as my plus-one. It was a good day.
Jody, as I’ve mentioned here before, inspired DARK EXCURSIONS. Since I was hanging out with her, I offered the e-book series for free on the 4th, 5th and 6th. After many years of being an indie author, I don’t think the numbers were very good, especially since the entire series was absolutely free. However, I am thankful for the handful of individuals who took advantage of my offer. I hope they find something to enjoy in DARK EXCURSIONS.
BTW, the e-books series is still free through Kindle Unlimited...
Unearth the secrets and lies buried within the Van Der Van mansion...
(screenplay by Thomas Hedley, Jr. & Joe Eszterhas / directed byAdrian Lyne
As I’ve mentioned before, there are gaps in my 1980’s film experience. I was either too young to watch (unlikely since I saw PORKY’S at a very impressionable age) or I just didn’t care because the film sounded boring. Well, better late than never to fill in the gaps.
I was excited when Prime Video recommended FLASHDANCE to me. After seeing FOOTLOOSE for the first time last year, experiencing another 80’s one word F-film about dancing seemed like total synchronism. I vaguely remember the hubbub about FLASHDANCE back in the day and of course I know the iconic bucket of water scene, which shockingly happens very early on in the film. So, I was expecting a tawdry, nudie story of a young woman wanting to be a stripper. What I experienced was a bit different.
Ouch!
Alex is a welder by day and a flashdancer by night, but all she wants is to dance in a ballet troupe. That’s it. That’s the plot in a neon nutshell. Well, there is a subplot about her ice-skater friend dating a wannabe stand-up comedian whose schtick is telling bigoted jokes. Oh, and I better not forget Alex’s boss at the welding factory. Nick doesn’t know she exists until he sees her dancing one night. (such a gentleman) They fall in love or lust or something and he saves the day (ugh) more than once. I will give Nick this, he never tells Alex to stop flashdancing at the bar, even when they start dating.
What is a Flashdance? It seems to be a mixture of stripping, exotic dancing and performance art. I’m honestly not sure what straight men or queer women get out of it. The costumes are skimpy, but i didn’t notice any nudity. Though my half-blind eyes might have missed something during the hyper-gyration. Speaking of which, the dancers danced like they had been popping powerful uppers. I kept asking the screen, “Is this supposed to be sexy?” It must be since the bar was always packed.
Offensive?
I guess the acting is fine. It’s hard to tell. Jennifer Beals as Alex seems to be acting in different films depending on the scene. She is either dancing, screaming or playing footsie with Nick’s crotch at a fancy restaurant. Michael Nouri as Nick, and his crotch, is present for his scenes but gives the boss no discernible personality. The rest of the cast is pretty forgettable, but at least the music is good.
Vomit!
I think it’s time for a 21st Century remake of FLASHDANCE. They can drop the men and focus on Alex and her ice-skater friend pursuing their dreams in a competitive world. Of course they would succeed because they are the best and would fall in love with each other by the end. Paired with my idea of a FOOTLOOSE remake, they would make a great Pride Month drive-in double feature.
In conclusion, FLASHDANCE commits the cardinal sin of 1980’s films by being boring. Honestly, I would rather watch FOOTLOOSE again because at least it revels in its nonsense. However, if you want to see frantic dancing, especially the TV/strobe light sequence, FOOTLOOSE may be the film for you.
