freakboy on film: RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983)

Well, here we are for the ultra-sudsy Original Trilogy conclusion of a space opera from a long time ago and far, far away.  

Han Solo is now home furnishing decor for the palace of the literally sluggish gangster Jabba the Hutt, and everyone is out to rescue him.  Lando Calrissian is already in the palace, undercover as a very human guard.  C-3PO and R2-D2 show up with a message from Luke Skywalker, but end up as Jabba’s pointless translator droid and cocktail waitress, respectively.  Then Leia Organa turns up disguised as a tiny, but threatening bounty hunter, with Chewbacca as a prisoner.  Finally, Luke Skywalker arrives, rockin’ his late aunt’s hairdo, so this convoluted plan to save Han can get started.  (SPOILER ALERT)  They rescue Han.  If this comes as a surprise to you, then you have obviously never seen a movie before.  

Have you been living under a chunk of Carbonite?

The rest of RETURN OF THE JEDI is basically A NEW HOPE and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, but with Ewoks.  There’s another Death Star to blow-up.  There’s another trap, or two or three.  There’s another family revelation.  By the end, it feels more than a little been there, done that. 

Can we go home now?

I could complain about Ewoks, but that’s too easy.  I could complain how the harsh lighting makes Yoda look like a Muppet, not to mention all of the other Muppet-ish characters, but the 1994 film CLERKS already summed it up perfectly.  I could complain about the lack of character development and a generally uneven script.  Instead, I’ll complain about one moment in RETURN OF THE JEDI that has become my least favorite scene in the Original Trilogy, if not all 9 episodes! 

Are they going to kiss again?

It’s evening at the Ewok village and Luke is in a mood.  Leia asks him what’s wrong and this leads to Luke revealing to Leia that they are brother and sister.  Leia says that somehow she always knew, which means that deep kiss in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK is full-tilt incestuous!  Plus, to kick off this painfully written and acted conversation, Luke asks Leia if she remembers her real mother.  Wait, what?  Where in HOPE or EMPIRE did Leia hint that she was adopted?  To confuse matters even more, Leia claims to remember her real mother being beautiful but sad.  Well, REVENGE OF THE SITH would later make Leia delusional or a liar because their mother dies after giving birth to the twins!  Maybe it’s that Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish about something being true, from a certain point of view.   In my view, that’s just a way to cover up lies or massive holes in the plot!  

Does Mon Mothma approve of plot holes and incest?

That being said, there are things to enjoy in RETURN OF THE JEDI.  It’s awesome that it is Leia who strangles Jabba the Hutt, especially since he was probably the worm who forced her to wear that skimpy outfit.  One of the more surprising aspects, for a 1983 film, is the Rebel Alliance leader is a woman.  Mon Mothma, as portrayed by Caroline Blakiston in her brief scene, is strong, direct and compassionate.  Then there is the real reason to watch RETURN OF THE JEDI…The Emperor!  Rarely has a villain been so seductively evil.  Unlike most of the actors in JEDI, Ian McDiarmid delivers his surprisingly well-written lines in a subtle fashion, especially when The Emperor is tempting Luke to the Dark Side.  His voice oozes with emotional manipulation and cruelty.  Honestly, his scenes feel like they are taking place in a better film. 

How do you like my Dark Side?

In conclusion… 

Episode VI may not be the worst film in the STAR WARS franchise, but it is definitely the weakest in the Original Trilogy.  Should we blame George Lucas and co-screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan?  Does director Richard Marquand share the responsibility for its deficiencies?  Maybe all of the above, but there’s still entertainment to be found.  So, if you crave some sci-fi escapism from the current reality, then pull up a chair and watch RETURN OF THE JEDI.  Just make sure to watch the original 1983 version.  The not-so “Special Edition” managed to make a not-so great film even worse! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  In memoriam…Boba Fett (1978-1983) 
You died for the sake of a burp joke, but you’ll always be the baddest badass bounty hunter in our galactic hearts! 🖤 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the character has appeared in later versions of STAR WARS, so just shut your nerd mouths and let me have this moment! 
~~~~~~~~~~~
Click a pic ⤵️ for more of the Original Trilogy… 

The Handy-Dandy Helpful Junk Jaunt Doomsday Guide!

Are you living in constant fear that the psychopaths disguised as world leaders will carelessly start World War III? 

Are you scared that the interstellar visitors in our solar system are comets or asteroids heading for a direct impact with Earth? 

Are you freaking out that those interstellar visitors might actually be an alien invasion fleet coming to conquer humanity?  

Well, if you answered YES to any of those End-of-the-World Scenarios… 

FEAR NO MORE!  

All your Doomsday Preparation Needs can be found along the Junk Jaunt in Broken Bow, Nebraska! 

Enter at your own risk!

Stock your Fallout Shelter  Pantry with a 15 ounce can of crisp, refreshing water because less is more!  

Just skim the rust off!

Grab a Geiger counter to aid in detecting those pesky radiation leaks in your DIY Fallout Shelter! 

Safety first!

Pick up a homemade figurine to support a local artist and to brighten up your otherwise drab Fallout Shelter! 

Stylish & inevitable!

If you don’t have a Fallout Shelter, just Duck and Cover!  

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Don’t forget to stock your Fallout Shelter Library with titles you’ll want to read over and over again during the Alien Occupation or Nuclear Winter, whichever comes first! 

Future post-apocalyptic bestsellers!

channel freakboy: THE SNOOP SISTERS (1972-1974)

Before Jessica Fletcher started suspiciously turning up whenever a murder occurs, there was mystery novelist Ernesta Snoop and her sister Gwendolyn (call her “G”) Snoop Nicholson, who happily types out Ernesta’s manuscripts.  Through five 90 minute episodes, this duo solved murders, found suspected dead persons alive and even proved their own innocence in an attempted murder!  They did all of this surrounded by familiar faces, such as Vincent Price, Roddy McDowall, Geraldine Page, Jill Clayburgh, Bert Convy, Bo Svenson, Bernie Casey, Katherine Helmand, and Alice Cooper.  Yes, you read that correctly!  Alice Cooper even performs a song and does a bit of decent acting! 

I found THE SNOOP SISTERS at a thrift store during a day trip in a different town.  Neither my sister nor I had ever heard of this series.  I initially thought it was British, but when my sister read the back, I realized I was wrong.  According to the box, THE SNOOP SISTERS was part of a rotating NBC Mystery Movie series, which explains the limited number of lengthy episodes.  

Helen Hayes as Ernesta and Mildred Natwick as “G” have fantastic sisterly chemistry.  They finish each other sentences and sometimes communicate without even completing a sentence.  If they overhear their police detective nephew discussing the case as they are leaving a room, they turn around in unison to overhear more.  Together, they make for a delightfully quirky duo who will not stop until the mystery is solved. 

The pilot episode, “The Female Instinct” (S1 E0, according to IMDb) is the best in the short-lived series.  The story revolves around a former movie star who is murdered after she announces the impending publication of a scandalous tell-all book.  Ernesta and “G” knew the woman, so they take it upon themselves to investigate, with the occasional assistance of their ex-con chauffeur.  Eccentric characters come and go, culminating with all the suspects gathered in a drawing room for the big reveal.  It seems like a typical whodunit, but the charming idiosyncrasies of Ernesta and “G” elevate the plot.  Plus, the sisters get to pursue the murderer in their 1930’s Lincoln as their nephew pursues them in a commandeered ice cream truck!  

The best thing about the pilot episode is it allows THE SNOOP SISTERS to naturally be their quirky, curious, incisive selves, with verbal word play that is clever and funny.  With maybe the exception of “Fear is a Free-Throw” (S1 E2), where “G” is a prime suspect in an attempted murder, the other episodes tone down their quirky charm and instead focus more on the guest stars or placing the sisters in silly situations.  I mean, yes, it is amusing to see Ernesta and “G” dressed up as the Frankenstein monster and his Bride in “A Black Day for Bluebeard” (S1 E4), but it lacks that special something from the pilot. 

In conclusion… 
THE SNOOP SISTERS may not become my favorite mystery series, but it is an enjoyable early ‘70’s romp.  All of the guest stars are fun, but the title characters are the reason to watch.  When Ernesta and “G” are allowed to take the spotlight, they shine bright with eccentric glitter.  So, pull up a cozy chair and enjoy THE SNOOP SISTERS as they snoop and snoop and snoop!  

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. In case you’re an Alice Cooper completist, the rock legend appears in “The Devil Made Me Do It” (S1 E3)