freakboy on film: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)

 

written & directed by George Lucas

What the hell is wrong with me? 

After my sister and I finished our annual Planet of the Apes Marathon, I decided it was time to watch the three STAR WARS trilogies in chronological order, which is something I’ve never done.  Since I only own the Original Trilogy, I borrowed Episode I from the library and, for the first time ever, I didn’t find myself loathing it with every fiber of my being.  So, I reiterate… 

What the hell is wrong with me? 

Please, don’t answer that and don’t get me wrong.  I still don’t love THE PHANTOM MENACE.  I mean, I could write a scathing post about the questionable creative choices of George Lucas.  That excruciating pod race scene is still endless.  (As if Anakin wasn’t going to win.)  Starting Anakin Skywalker (the future Darth Vader) out so ridiculously young continues to be a WTF?!?moment, compounded by the character’s alleged immaculate conception.  (Sorry, Ms. Skywalker, but someone already used that excuse.)  Then there is Jar Jar Binks… (Um, I just can’t right now.)  However, instead of complaining, I have decided to list (in no particular order) things about THE PHANTOM MENACE which I enjoyed, or at least wasn’t super annoyed by during this viewing. 

1 - Qui-Gon Jinn 
I wasn’t sure I liked him during the first viewing, but I’ve changed my mind.  Maybe it was all the time he spent with Nell, but Liam Neeson makes a believable and patient Jedi Knight. 

2 - Jabba the Hutt 
This sluggish gangster’s appearance is brief, but entertaining.  I mean, he mimics what theater audiences were doing by falling asleep during that wretched pod race. 

3 - Padmé Amidala 
I wasn’t sure about her the first time, maybe because of the whole decoy queen thing.  Now I think Natalie Portman brings a nice mix of strength and vulnerability to the character.  Well, until Episode III anyways, but I’m getting ahead of myself. 

4 - Yoda 
I mean, come on!  He’s Yoda!  Plus, Frank Oz provides the voice for this Jedi Master again! 

5 - Mace Windu 
I mean, come on!  He’s Samuel L. Jackson!  He may not have a lot to do in his scene, but Mace glows with authentic Jedi coolness! 

6 - Anakin Skywalker 
Fine, I first thought Jake Lloyd was a horrible child actor, but now I wonder if he was just doing his best with George Lucas’ meh-inspired script.  Don’t get me wrong, the kid is no Jodie Foster, yet he has this one moment where a spark happens.  As Anakin gazes into Qui-Gon’s funeral pyre, he looks believably contemplative about his future, or maybe my half-blind eyes were just seeing things.

7 - Darth Maul (Ray Park)
I initially rolled my eyes at this character because his sole purpose seemed to be to kill Qui-Gon and look cool doing it.  He succeeds in this, but now I see him as the Prequel Trilogy’s Boba Fett.  Mysterious, baddass and too quickly dispatched, but at least Darth Maul didn’t die for the sake of a burp joke. 

8 - Naked C-3PO 
I still hate that Anakin is my favorite protocol droid’s “Maker” but at least I no longer cringe at C-3PO’s incomplete state.  Maybe because it’s pure joy to watch him meet his forever counterpart R2-D2.  Plus, Anthony Daniels once again lends his persnickety voice! 

9 - Senator Palpatine 

He has been one of the best parts of THE PHANTOM MENACE since the first viewing.  It helps they got the same actor from RETURN OF THE JEDI and Ian McDiarmid is charmingly sinister as the future Emperor.  Plus, with this viewing, I fully understand how the plot is really about the Senator’s manipulations and machinations in order to gain more political power. 

10 - Darth Vader’s breathing 
Even before Marvel movies made it mandatory, I often stayed through the ending credits at the theater, much to the chagrin of the staff.  I was rewarded with a bit of menacing EMPIRE music and Darth Vader’s rasping, mechanical breathing.  For a long time, I considered this audio moment the best part of the film.  Maybe it still is.

 
11 - Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) 
I still don’t love this character, but my absolute hatred has mutated into annoyed tolerance.  Before you scream at me, let’s all get real.  All of Jar Jar’s slapstick nonsense found its genesis in RETURN OF THE JEDI.  Somewhere between THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and JEDI, George Lucas forgot that while STAR WARS appeals to kids, it is not a kid flick.  He just took that childish mentality to the extreme in THE PHANTOM MENACE with Jar Jar Binks and a way too young Anakin. 

In conclusion… 
What the hell is wrong with me?  Have I lost my mind?  Did Disney’s Sequel Trilogy decimate what remained of my passion for STAR WARS?  Has Andy Milligan made me enjoy films that most consider bad or have I simply grown older and allegedly wiser?  Whatever the reason, I discovered a tentative appreciation for Episode I.  I mean, it’s far from perfect, that pod race is inexcusably tedious, but maybe, just maybe, THE PHANTOM MENACE isn’t the complete piece of 💩 that I thought it was.

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Click a pic ⤵️ for my thoughts on the Sequel Trilogy…

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My books & blogs… 
http://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-collective.html

channel freakboy: RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES (1975-1976)

The year is 3979 and Earth has experienced a cataclysmic catastrophe while I was on a rocket ride in Outer Space with a certain animated feline pop band. 

Saturday morning in the 1970’s was a very different time.

You see, I had Josie and the gang leave me on a planetoid so a certain animated Starfleet vessel could take me home, but Kirk and crew dropped me off in the upside-down future of RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES.  (It’s a convoluted scenario which you can read about HERE)  Anyhoo, I’ve been hiding out with the cave-dwelling humanoids for the last two years after my Ted Talk concerning the dangers of being a toon junkie went horribly wrong.  The talking apes chased me out of Ape City, but thankfully they now believe I was just a mental trick deployed by their below surface enemy, the Underdwellers.  If a humanoid with the knowledge of language is ever discovered, all the humanoids will be eradicated, instead of simply being harvested for animal labor, for scientific studies, for war games, for the “animal replacement preserve” and to be kept as pets. 

Jeff, Judy and Bill pose for the cover of their folk album!

This is why I’m worried about the spaceship that crashed in the lake.  By keeping quiet and observing, I’ve learned three astronauts from 1976 are now among us.  Bill Hudson, Judy Franklin and Jeff Allen survived their crash, only to find themselves at the mercy of the desolate landscape and sweltering heat of The Forbidden Zone.  Bill and Jeff made it through the treacherous terrain, thanks to the care of Nova, easily the smartest of the humanoids, but Judy has been abducted by the Underdwellers!  They call her “Usa” and claim she is part of an ancient prophecy. 

Nova cared for me during my Quisp withdrawal.

As if there wasn’t already enough going on, Bill and some of the humanoids were captured by General Urko, the leader of the gorilla army.  Thankfully Bill escaped by befriending Cornelius and Zira, two chimpanzee scientists.  Jeff and Bill then managed to free the captured humanoids, which is great, but the pressure is mounting from all sides.  Dr. Zaius, an orangutan leader, is growing more and more suspicious of Cornelius and Zira, as they are constantly risking their careers for Bill, Jeff and the humanoids.  General Urko is growing more and more war-hungry and paranoid of humanoids, the Underdwellers and even other apes.  The Underdwellers’ motives and ultimate plan for Judy remain uncertain and now volcanic activity is threatening their existence.  To top it all off, Bill and Jeff are planning to move the humanoids to a lush area called New Valley, where herds of unicorn-buffalo hybrid roam. 

The doctor is in!

Will Dr. Zaius catch Cornelius and Zira breaking ape law?  Will General Urko start an all out war?  Will The Underdwellers release Judy?  Will Bill and Jeff save the humanoids?  Will the dog tags Nova wears bring help with a surprising reference to one of the films?  Will “A Day at the Zoo,” an ancient book Bill and Cornelius placed in the care of the extremely peaceful and very zen Mountain Apes, bring peace to the planet or completely tear it apart?  There was only 13 episodes and it ended with a cliffhanger, so we may never know.  Plus, I managed to escape from this animated upside-down future, which is another post for another time. 

Cornelius and Zira doubt I’ll blog about my escape.

I first experienced RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES when my sister purchased a massive APES box set in the early 2000’s.  We both expected the series to be utter crap, but we were both wrong.  This criminally short-lived animated series is wildly entertaining and full of surprises.  While each episode has its own plot, there is an overall storyline throughout.  For a Saturday morning cartoon, it is amazingly complex.  Seriously, you need to watch this one in order!  The writers even expected viewers to remember little events from several episodes before.  Another interesting aspect of the series is how it borrows elements from the novel (the apes are technologically advanced), and includes characters from the original films and the live-action TV series, but does its own thing. 

Tree huggers of the future unite!

I’m sure there are those of you out there who are yelling at my words.  Screaming about the not-so-great animation and the occasionally stiff voice-acting.  Yes, there are deficiencies, including plot holes and a few contradictions, but I think PLANET OF THE APES fans should embrace the sheer scope and clever intricacies of the animated series.  You simply need to overlook the flaws and lose yourself in the story and the characters.

General Urko wants YOU to watch this series!

SIDE NOTE: Sadly, Roddy McDowall does not voice Cornelius, but there is still an acting thread connecting the animated series to the films.  Austin Stoker, who portrayed MacDonald in BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES, voices Jeff Allen. 

In conclusion…
I always look forward to returning to this intriguing animated planet when my sister and I commence our annual APES marathon.  With more money and an evening time slot, I believe this series could have found a wider audience and lasted longer, but, alas, it was not meant to be.  At least we have these 13 episodes to enjoy!  So, if you dig classic Saturday morning television or you’re a franchise completist, then RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES may be in your future! 
(whispers - “check YouTube”)

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind contribution to the FUTURETHON blogathon hosted by Barry of Cinematic Catharsis and Gill of Realweegiemidget Reviews!

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Click a pic ⤵️ for more of my animated misadventures… 

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My books & blogs… 
http://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2018/03/the-collective.html

freakboy on film: EMBRYO (1976)

This post is for THE FAVORITE STARS IN B MOVIES BLOGATHON, hosted by Brian of Films From Beyond!  

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Somewhere between making bedroom eyes at Doris Day in the forerunner to the rom-com and kissing Linda Evans on the diva-drenched nighttime soap Dynasty, Rock Hudson starred in this slice of ‘70’s cheese.  Actually, that might be offensive to cheese because a truly cheesy film can be entertaining.  EMBRYO is just bad.  No, not even in a so bad it’s good way.   

Rock Hudson questions his career choices

The so-called plot centers around widowed Dr. Paul Holliston (Rock Hudson) experimenting with accelerated embryo growth in his mansion’s basement laboratory.  First a canine embryo, which grows quickly into an intelligent killer.  Then a human embryo, which also grows into an intelligent killer.  Oh, but of course the human embryo also grows into an attractive young woman (Barbara Carrera) he names Victoria Spencer.  

Thou shall not watch this film sober

After Paul stabilizes the growth serum, he introduces Victoria as his assistant.  While Paul’s son and pregnant daughter-in-law don’t seem to mind the newcomer, someone else minds very much.  Martha Douglas (Diane Ladd) is Paul’s sister-in-law and sees green the moment she lays eyes on his new assistant.  Even Victoria almost beating a smug chess champ (Roddy McDowall) fails to impress Martha.  

Diane Ladd can’t remember if she’s in this film 

Victoria eventually assists Paul in the bedroom and that’s when the plot sort of finally kicks in.  She starts craving more of the growth serum, even asking a massive 1970’s super-computer for help.  Martha grows more and more suspicious as the dog growls menacingly at her.  Paul mainly seems oblivious as he feels proud of and physically attracted to his scientific achievement.  No, not the dog, but that would make for a startling twist, which this movie desperately needs. 

No, I don’t want no damn Scooby snack!

Seriously, despite its star power, EMBRYO fails to deliver and I blame screenwriters Anita Doohan and Jack W. Thomas, along with director Ralph Nelson.  The pacing is so slow it doesn’t exist.  There is too much reliance on pseudo-scientific voiceover narration.  To top it off, the character development is sketchy and the backstory of Paul’s wife is never fully explored.  I feel the movie is trying to be serious instead of embracing the schlock that it really is. 

How much is that doggie embryo in the window?

The acting is fine, but not overly engaging.  Like the script, everyone is playing it so low-key that they barely register a pulse.  Rock Hudson sheds his romantically charismatic leading man persona for a nice but sad doctor.  He should’ve stuck with fun, frothy comedies, but like Veronica Lake in FLESH FEAST (1970), former silver screen darlings were often relegated to bottom-of-the-barrel B-movies during this time period.  Diane Ladd should’ve added some punch as the jealous sister-in-law, but I had completely forgotten she was even in this movie.  Barbara Carrera, as the title character, manages to be believable as a menacing innocent, but it’s not enough to stop the viewer from nearly slipping into a coma.  The appearance of Roddy McDowall in a memorably boring party scene might perk up the viewer for a bit, but his exaggerated facial movements will make you wonder if he spent too many years acting in PLANET OF THE APES make-up. 

Roddy McDowall (left) patiently waits for FRIGHT NIGHT to save his career

In conclusion…
Rock Hudson may not have shined as brightly as he did in his Doris Day glory days, but he was still Rock Hudson.  Maybe he would’ve done better with a better script.  
As for the film, if you’re suffering from insomnia, fluff your pillows and tuck yourself in because EMBRYO might just be the cure you need! 

SIDE NOTE:  
EMBRYO contains scenes involving dogs and a fish which may be upsetting to some viewers. 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Cinematic Catharsis & Realweegiemidget Reviews will take you to the FUTURE! 

COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU! 

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My books… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon

channel freakboy: THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN (1980-1981)

"Lords of Light!" - Thundarr

I was often terrified by the idea of the end of the world as a child.  I would hear the volunteer fire department siren and was certain that nuclear war had begun, or at the very least a tornado was coming, which also terrified me.  On top of those destructive forces, I was also seriously worried that an asteroid or comet would crash into the Earth.  So, it's no wonder that the ominous opening credits of THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN fascinated and horrified me on Saturday mornings.  

The year, 1994. From out of space comes a runaway planet, hurtling between the Earth and the moon, unleashing cosmic destruction. Man's civilization is cast in ruin. Two thousand years later, Earth is reborn. A strange new world rises from the old. A world of savagery, super-science, and sorcery. But one man bursts his bonds to fight for justice. With his companions, Ookla the Mok and Princess Ariel, he pits his strength, his courage, and his fabulous Sunsword against the forces of evil.  He is Thundarr, the Barbarian! 

I'm sure I spilled my Quisp cereal and wet my Aquaman Underoos the first time I experienced the animated end of the world.  Seeing the runaway planet cracking the moon like an egg and apparently disrupting the Earth's atmosphere was my nightmare come true!  Then add the huge tidal wave, erupting volcanoes and jagged rocks suddenly jutting up through the ground and I was properly traumatized...but hooked.  I enjoyed watching Thundarr, Ariel and Ookla as they traveled on horseback through the remnants of our decimated civilization, freeing humanity from the clutches of evil.  

Thundarr waving his Sunsword around.

Now, with older and allegedly wiser eyes, I still enjoyed the trio's adventures.  Sure, Thundarr is not going to win any 21st  Century sensitivity awards, but he is a barbarian.  Yes, Ariel should use her sorcery powers more often to save people, but she's the most intelligent of the trio.  Of course, Ookla is like a Wookie on steroids, but he may be the fuzzy heart of the series. As for the plot, it's a mixture of CONAN THE BARBARIAN (obviously), STAR WARS (his fabulous Sunsword), and PLANET OF THE APES (the 1974 live-action TV series because they travel around helping others).  

Ariel, Thundarr and Ookla almost literally streak into action! 

I was disappointed there wasn't an actual first episode showing how Thundarr, Ariel and Ookla met.  However, there was plenty to entertain and intrigue along the way.  For example, the runaway planet appears to have caused a massive continental shift.  There is now an ocean near where South Dakota was located and our heroes travel to what was once England from what was once the US on horseback.  Maybe an animated remake needs to happen to fully explore the altered landscape and flesh out the characters a bit more.

The trio ponder what exactly is a Mok.

In conclusion, THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN may not be perfect, but I'm happy for this trip down Saturday morning lane.  Oh, and I still felt tense during the opening credits, but I did not spill my 21st Century bowl of Quisp cereal or wet my orange underwear. 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S. Solve this Saturday morning mystery...

http://freakboyzone.blogspot.com/2021/02/channel-freakboy-captain-caveman-and.html 

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New Month! 

New Eye! 

New Interview!

https://thejlhcollective.blogspot.com/2021/03/the-collective-eye-march-2021.html