booking freakboy: DEATH OF A TRANSVESTITE by Ed Wood, Jr.

When I learned late filmmaker Edward D. Wood, Jr. had also been a novelist, it was only a matter of time before I read one of his literary efforts.  Ed’s original  novels from the 1960’s and 70’s are quite pricey on Amazon and eBay, but thankfully there have been a few recent reprints.  I chose DEATH OF A TRANSVESTITE for its lurid title and because the plot sounded intriguing. 

Glen is on death row for murder and he has one last request.  He wants to die as Glenda, the name Glen uses when dressed as a woman.  In exchange for this request, he will tell his/her story, and oh, what a story! 

Glen/Glenda has decided to retire from his/her career as a drag assassin for a syndicate, but the powers that be aren’t happy with this decision.  The only answer is for Glen/Glenda to go on the run to the underbelly of queer Hollywood, where he/she can hide in plain sight.  Along the way, Glen/Glenda meets and falls in love with Cynthia, a woman who accepts the sexual thrill of a man who has a penchant for wearing women’s panties.  “I sure should have known. Nobody has a hot tongue like you got unless they're a little queer...” 

Meanwhile the syndicate has sent another drag assassin to kill Glen/Glenda.  Paul is thirsty for blood and knows the best way to find his target is to let Pauline out.  Not only will Pauline be able to blend in with the queer crowd, she is beautiful, unlike ugly Paul.  This killer’s backstory is horrifying (Paul would rape and kill women for their clothes) and fascinating (Pauline almost married a man).  Now a dangerous drag game of cat and mouse commences, culminating in a scene of gunplay, high heels and carnage! 

Will Glen’s last request to die as Glenda be granted?  What happens to Paul/Pauline?  What about Cynthia?  Who exactly was the target audience back in 1967 for this hetero-centric sex with a queer twist book and will I read another one?  These are questions best left to readers of wonderfully trashy pulp fiction and to the admirably trashy readers of this blog.  I will say one thing though.  From my understanding, Ed’s earliest known novel BLACK LACE DRAG (aka Killer in Drag) is connected to this one, so only time will tell. 

In conclusion…

This book is not a sequel to Ed Wood’s GLEN OR GLENDA.  However, much like his film of transvestitism and gender reassignment, DEATH OF A TRANSVESTITE deals with similar themes in an equally shockingly progressive but weirdly backwards way.  I seriously enjoyed it’s jolting, off-kilter plot and this, along with John Waters’ TRASH TRIO, was a palette cleanser after one too many overly polished mainstream affairs.  So, if you crave a little vintage literary kink from the fringes, slip your favorite angora sweater over your best bullet bra and eagerly devour each deliciously sordid syllable of DEATH OF A TRANSVESTITE! 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  Click the pics ⤵️ for more Wood…  

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Irritate and offend your homophobic family members this holiday season with the gift of one of my “unapologetically queer” books! 

🌈 

📚 

(Available from an AMAZON near you!)

channel freakboy: ROSWELL (1999-2002)

 

Hello, my name is John and I’m a teen drama addict.

Oh, I was a hardcore WB network junkie back in the day.  From Buffy the Vampire Slayer to Angel to Dawson’s Creek to Popular to Grosse Pointe, I couldn’t stop!  So it was fate, and absolutely no surprise, that I was in the middle of rewatching ROSWELL when Rebecca of Taking Up Room announced The Fake Teenager Festivus Blogathon!  Thank you for perfect timing, Rebecca! 

Liz and Max

Speaking of perfect timing, Liz Parker (high school science major by day, waitress by evening) is lucky that Max Evans (high school student by day, half-extraterrestrial by genetic design) was at the Crashdown Cafe when she was accidentally shot.  Max used his alien powers to save Liz and turn her life topsy-turvy!  Now Liz, along with best friends Maria (Jetta driver by day, aspiring musician by night), Alex (lovesick goofball by day, suave romantic in dreams), and ex-boyfriend Kyle (former football jock by day turned Buddhist by Zen), must deal with mysterious government agents, out of this world threats and other teen aliens.  Max isn’t the only one in town.  There is his sister Isabel (perfect student by day, Christmas Nazi at holidays), their friend Michael (less than perfect student by day, screw-up by day and night), and eventually Tess (new student by day, manipulator by choice).  The half-aliens were in the infamous 1947 flying saucer crash and incubated in pods for decades, so they carry a lot of baggage and backstory.

Maria and Michael 

ROSWELL aired for two seasons on the WB network and then for one season on UPN.  Both of these networks eventually combined to form the CW.  Anyhoo, the first season is a great mix of teen angst, humor and low-key sci-fi, and I still very much enjoy it.  The second season amps up the sci-fi stuff and isn’t quite as focused, but is still entertaining and better than I remembered.  The third season starts off all wannabe edgy, probably as a result of the different network, but eventually gets back to the heart of the show, which is the complicated but caring relationships between the alien and human teenagers. 

Isabel and Alex 

Speaking of teenagers, while not as painfully obvious as other shows, there are plenty of fake ones to be found.  Shiri Appleby as Liz Parker, Katherine Heigl as Isabel Evans, Brendan Fehr as Michael Guerin, Nick Wechsleras Kyle Valenti, and Colin Hanks(yes, Tom’s son) as Alex Whitman were all in their early 20’s when ROSWELL hit the airwaves.  Depending on lighting and camera angle, they are sometimes believable early on, but one among them is not.  The most obvious fake teenager award goes to Jason Behr as Max Evans, who was clearly 25 during the first season.  However, I must give ROSWELL props for a couple of real teenagers in the cast.  Majandra Delfino as Maria DeLuca and Emilie de Ravin as Tess Harding were 18, though they were in their early 20’s by the final season. 

Kyle and his sheriff father Jim (William Sadler)

Much like other teen dramas from that era, the acting is good but not always great.  The same can be said for some of the storylines.  Though all in all, interesting and likable characters lifts ROSWELL above other teen dramas.  In fact, it was good enough to receive a remake series on the CW titled ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO (2019-2022’, which I also recommend.  No fake teenagers can be found because the characters are all adults, but there’s enough residual teen angst vibe to please fans.  Plus, it has a natural inclusiveness that the original series would have probably not been allowed to explore.  

Michael, Tess, Max and Isabel

In conclusion…

One reason I enjoy ROSWELL, both then and now, is the relatable quality of how the aliens often feel like outsiders.  So, if you’ve ever felt that way or you’re addicted to teen drama like me, then grab some Tabasco sauce because ROSWELL may be the television series for you!  I mean, you can’t go wrong when “Here With Me” by Dido is the theme song! 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  Click the pic ⤵️ for an older post about seriously fake teenagers and the dangers of jazz… 

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After visiting ROSWELL, swing through STURGEONS, an idyllic small town perfect for seeking revenge! 

🏡🏠🏡🏠🏡  

To Ride a Giant Turd (a look at John Waters’ FLAMINGOS FOREVER)

 

I knew TRASH TRIO existed.  I even flipped through a copy at Barnes & Noble once, but for some inexplicable reason I did NOT purchase it!  Maybe I was young and idealistic?  I mean, I probably didn’t want to trash the Divine filth of PINK FLAMINGOS by reading the screenplay of the unfilmed sequel!  Either that or I couldn’t afford to buy it at the time and didn’t have the nerve to steal it.  (I hear John Waters sighing in disappointment) 

So, when I sat down to order a book written by filmmaker Ed Wood, Jr, I suddenly recalled that missed opportunity and corrected it.  Both books arrived on the same day, but I knew which I was going to read first.  (Sorry, Ed.)  Instead of skipping to FLAMINGOS FOREVER, I read the two other screenplays included in TRASH TRIO.  It was fun to hear my tablet recite vulgar dialogue from PINK FLAMINGOS and DESPERATE LIVING, but it was a way to extend anticipation.  A way to make me crave the answer to one of the world’s biggest mysteries…

What happened after Divine ate dog shit at the end of PINK FLAMINGOS? 

Well, it’s 15 years later and a gaggle of filth followers joyously welcome Divine and her dysfunctionally functional family back to Baltimore, Maryland and their new treehouse hideaway.  Divine is pleased with the accomidations and so is her egg-free mother Edie.  Sadly, Edie and The Eggman are divorced, so now Edie freaks out, in a negative way, when she sees an egg.  Cotton, Divine’s traveling companion, is satisfied with her voyeuristic porno room.  Crackers, Divine’s son, is super eager to try out his murder room.  Duane, an intense 8 year-old boy in drag with thick glasses, loves his modeling area.  Who is Duane?  He is the son of Divine and her son Crackers.  Yup, Divine is the mother to her own grandson, but, in her defense, she has to uphold the title of Filthiest Person Alive and what better way to do so!

(SIDE NOTE: Both Cotton and Crackers have “II” after their names in the screenplay.  I’m not clear why, but I assume John Waters didn’t expect the original actors to reprise the roles.)

Across town reside Vera & Wilbur Venninger, two jealous perverts who run a funeral home and consider themselves the filthiest people alive.  Are they?  Well, Wilbur practices necrophilia with his clients while Vera keeps kidnapped children in a dungeon, forcing them to shoot-up heroin and smoke cigarettes.  To top it all off, a magic mirror session reveals Vera is the sister of Connie Marble, who is currently burning in Hell after being executed by Divine in PINK FLAMINGOS.  Connie wants Divine dead, and so does Vera & Wilbur.  The unhinged couple plan to take Divine out in order to truly be the filthiest people alive and also as a step towards world domination!  

(SIDE NOTE: The magic mirror must be a reference to a thankfully deleted scene from PINK FLAMINGOS.  See the Criterion edition for more.) 

Besides her family and followers, Divine meets another warrior to join her in this new battle of filth.  Velveeta Jones is a 400 pound black woman who rapes men by day and relaxes in a tub of Jell-O by night.  The incomparable Jean Hill, so memorable as Grizelda in DESPERATE LIVING, was to bring Velveeta Jones to glorious life on the big screen and she would’ve been brilliant!  This truly unique character, more than anything, almost makes me wish FLAMINGOS FOREVER would’ve been filmed.  However, Velveeta’s bodyguard Puddles, “a rough-looking male impersonator in blackface,” would be seriously problematic. 

Now we come to the biggest question…

Does Divine retain her title of Filthiest Person Alive? 

WARNING!

SPOILERS AHEAD! 

Yes, she does, but it’s a hard won battle!  After being confronted by her biological clean-freak parents and dealing with (adopted mother) Edie’s newfound addiction to communism, Divine teams up with Velveeta.  They free the kidnapped children and take dumps in all of the toilets in the Venninger home.  Vera and Wilbur are chased by flying turds and Wilbur is ultimately sexed to death by Velveeta.  Vera escapes and drops a bomb on Divine’s treehouse hideaway, seeming to win the battle of filth, but did she?

Vera shows up in disguise at Divine’s funeral, but it’s all a ruse.  The coffin spins wildly and Divine emerges triumphant!  She and her family and followers burn Vera at the stake, toasting marshmallows in celebration!  Cut to Divine, Edie, Cotton, Crackers and Duane leaving Baltimore.  They spot a dog taking a dump and it’s easy to assume Divine is going to have a second helping, but nope!  The turd grows to an enormous size scaring the dog away, and Divine and her dysfunctionally functional family climb aboard.  Then they fly away on the giant turd, like a magic carpet of filth!  

So, there you have it and I’m not quite sure what it is.  Some of the screenplay made me laugh out loud.  Vera using the kidnapped kids as terrorists to destroy a suburban child’s birthday party was so wrong, but so right.  Some of it made me cringe.  We really didn’t need to know about Divine’s past.  Then certain aspects made me roll my eyes.  Divine having supernatural powers (she floats off the ground when angered) seemed a step too far off the deep end.  Ultimately, I believe if FLAMINGOS FOREVER had been filmed, it would’ve been the end of John Waters’ career.  There would be no HAIRSPRAY or SERIAL MOM or PECKER and that would be tragic. 

(SIDE NOTE: I’m surprised John Waters hasn’t found a brave artist to turn FLAMINGOS FOREVER into a graphic novel!)

In conclusion…

If you’re a John Waters fanatic, you MUST find a copy of TRASH TRIO so you can fully experience what might have been with FLAMINGOS FOREVER! 

If you’re not a John Waters fanatic, then skip it and go back to reading safe, overly-polished books. 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words!

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S. Click the pic ⤵️ for my review of the Criterion edition of PINK FLAMINGOS! 🦩 

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My 2 paperbacks and 7 ebooks (so far) are available at an AMAZON near you! 📚