Earlier this year, I dropped the shocking revelation of how much I love TITANIC (1997). So, when Brian from FILMS FROM BEYOND THE TIME BARRIER announced The Third 'Favorite Stars in B Movies' Blogathon, I had to think about it. I mean, I already blogged about Rock Hudson going all mad scientist and Bette Davis & Joan Crawford taking sibling rivalry to the extreme. This time I wanted to write about an acting talent before fame came a-knockin’. After scrolling through and striking out with the IMDb pages of a few well-known names, I thought of TITANIC and suddenly, I was king of the blogging world! I would review Leonardo DiCaprio in the direct-to-video sequel CRITTERS 3!
I’ll never let go, Jack.
screenplay by David J. Schow/directed by Kristine Peterson
In case you don’t know, CRITTERS is a sci-fi/horror film franchise about ferocious little aliens who devour everything in their path. They even have porcupine-like quills they can shoot to paralyze their prey. CRITTERS (1986) is the best of the GREMLINS rip-offs. The original centers around a farm family fighting against the killer alien furballs and was inspired by an allegedly true incident in Kentucky from 1955. Several eyewitnesses claim to have defended their farm from little aliens whose flying saucer had landed nearby. (Click Kelly–Hopkinsville Encounter for more on this interesting piece of very American history.)
Not a deluxe apartment in the sky.
After two films set in a small Kansas town, the Critters are movin’ on up to a rundown big city apartment building. The tenants range from kids to senior citizens and they have more to deal with than just ravenous alien creatures. There’s an apartment manager being paid to drive everyone away by releasing rats in the building and causing random power cuts. The man behind the manager’s nastiness is a despicable slumlord who wants to tear down the apartment building in order to build a mini-mall. However, the tenants and the Critters have other ideas!
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
CRITTERS 3 is generally entertaining for what it is. It’s nowhere as good as the first one, but has its moments. The elderly couple were my favorite characters, played by Frances Bay and Bill Zuckert. I was pleasantly surprised to see Diana Bellamy as another tenant. She would go on to play Principal Hall in the TV series POPULAR (1999-2001). Oh, and it would be a crime to forget Don Keith Opper who, for a third time, played former town drunk turned bounty hunter, Charlie. For some reason, Charlie lost his badass bounty hunter outfit from the second one and is dressed similar to Wilbur Finletter from the KILLER TOMATOES franchise, minus the parachute.
Charlie & Wilbur: fashionistas from another mother.
Last, but not least, there is Leonardo DiCaprio. I hesitate to call him a “favorite” actor of mine, but I have seen a number of his films. TITANIC is obviously my favorite, but I also enjoyed REVOLUTIONARY ROAD (2008), which re-teamed him with Kate Winslet in a different way. As for CRITTERS 3, DiCaprio played Josh, who is the stepson of the slumlord. Leo was a good child actor, but, in my opinion, he didn’t stand out. He did as good of job as the other kids in the cast. Honestly, something about his acting style, maybe his delivery, reminded me a whole lot of Edward Furlong in TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991). For the record, this is not a positive comparison, but Leo would’ve been a better, less annoying choice for that role. I had to check and it appears young Leonardo DiCaprio neither auditioned for nor was considered for the role of John Conner. Though somewhere, in an alternate reality, Edward Furlong was in CRITTERS 3 and TITANIC, while Leo starred in TERMINATOR 2 and John Waters’ PECKER (1998).
Leo isn’t quite sure of that career path.
In conclusion…
As with most sequels, CRITTERS 3 is an entertaining, forgettable distraction that can’t touch the clever, freaky fun of the first film. So, if your filmic OCD compels you to watch every film in a franchise or you’re a Leonardo DiCaprio completist, CRITTERS 3 may be the film for you!
SIDE NOTE:A few years before Stella got her groove back, Angela Bassett stood out in CRITTERS 4 (1992), but that’s another post for another time.
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. Speaking of little critters devouring everything, dare to visit the town of STURGEONS… Population: 4,017 and dropping…
Jimmy Love can heal you of your maladies by placing his miraculous hands upon you! You will feel the power of his Divine love blowing through your soul! Yes, this 23-year old, 6-foot-tall traveling blond Adonis evangelist will fill the deep hole inside you with Glory!
Surely you’ve read the newspaper articles about how, at a young age, Jimmy’s parents died in an automobile accident and how he was adopted by Brandon Parker, a friend and army buddy of his late father. Undoubtedly you were captivated in learning how Jimmy became an overnight Prophet after seeing Jesus in a barn in Indiana! It was a sign from Heaven above! A sign to guide Jimmy and his adopted father onto the path of spreading the Gospel from town to town! A sign to milk every last penny from the willfully ignorant congregation! Hallelujah!
Now the unthinkable has happened! After healing the inflicted two nights in a row, Jimmy Love has disappeared, bringing the religious community to its knees in prayer for his safe return! Where is their Anointed One and will they ever feel the massive power of his love again? Good things come to those who wait, for prophecy tells us the blessed answer will be delivered in seven days. Well, at least I can tell you since I read the book.
Either through Divine intervention or a coordinated publicity stunt, the missing evangelist has resurfaced in Los Angeles! Praise Jimmy Love, oh, and Jesus for his safe return to the fold, but what happened to the precious preacher during those seven days? According to the newspapers, Jimmy Love was lost in the Arizona desert, on the brink of death, when four men descended upon him from above. The four 5’ 11”, brown-haired studs blew life back into Jimmy Love and now they are his Apostles!
In reality, Jimmy Love has grown tired of being in the Holy spotlight. With the help of his adopted father, Jimmy Love has concocted one last revival to blow the minds and bank accounts of his faithful followers. On a clear pedestal, backed by a screen of swirling clouds and surrounded by streaming fog, Jimmy Love will take to the stage. At either of his sides will be his four Apostles, clad only in color coordinated posing straps to match the various tints of light shining on them. Will the spectacle be a raging success? Will the congregation work itself into a frenzy of religious fervor and sexual arousal?
SPOILER ALERT! The reader will never know! Just as the four Apostles are literally revealed, Brandon Parker dies of a heart attack backstage and suddenly finds himself in WWII with Jimmy Love’s father. The man offers his hand to shake in gratitude for Brandon taking such good care of his son.
Yup, that’s how GOSPEL FOR SUCKERS ends, making me think the terrific double entendre title actually has three meanings, including the reader being a sucker for reading this book. The ending is wildly anticlimactic, especially because it is made perfectly clear that Brandon had been in love with Jimmy’s father. Couldn’t the two men have at least experienced a more satisfying afterlife happy ending?
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some ridiculously entertaining aspects to the book. The way the religious crowds fall for Jimmy Love’s schtick is amusingly spot on when comparing it with televangelists of the 1980’s and the preachers of modern day mega-churches. The names of the first three Apostles (Dallas Slaughter, Tony Wolfe and Dale Ducommun) are made even funnier by the fourth one’s more ordinary name (Keith Anderson). Oh, and I appreciate there are only seven chapters, which I think is a sly wink at the seven days of Creation. I just wish author Will E. Graham, whose obvious pen-name is brilliant in more ways than one, would have had even more fun putting the satirical screws to religion and fanatical believers. It’s not quite as blasphemously funny as it should’ve been, but maybe all the queer sex mingled with Christianity heightens the humor. Plus, it’s frustrating when intriguing plot elements are introduced and then abandoned. Something scandalous, which is not fully explained, happened in Florida with Jimmy Love and when you think it’s coming back to haunt him, the subplot fizzles out. I guess I’m used to this style of storytelling thanks to Andy Milligan. Another thing is Jimmy Love’s too close for comfort relationship with his adopted father. Yes, they are both adults and not blood related, but it added an ick factor for me. I know I shouldn’t be so judgy considering some of the incestuous overtones in the films of, once again, Andy Milligan. Ugh, I hate it when my favorite filmmakers make me feel like a hypocrite!
“Turn around if you want to and blow your love on the person behind you!” -Jimmy Love
In conclusion… GOSPEL FOR SUCKERS isn’t the best piece of Vintage Gay Pulp Fiction I’ve read, but it’s not the worst either. It is somehow entertaining and disappointing at the same time. So, if you’re in the mood for a low-key satirical look at religiosity with a queer twist, then GOSPEL FOR SUCKERS by Will E. Graham may be the book for you! Just don’t forget to say your nightly prayer after reading.🙏 Amen! 😏 Freak be with you, JLH
On a recent excursion to a nearby city, my sister and I stopped at a well-known big box store which doesn’t need more advertising here. Surprisingly, physical media is still sold in this marketplace, so I had to pop on my Mad Scientist Glasses to see what was on the shelf.
I purchased two films. One was a planned purchase. The other was an impulse buy. Which one was which and will I keep them both or are they headed for the library discard table? Let’s find out…
NOSFERATU (2024)
written & directed by Robert Eggers
This is a 21st Century remake of the 1922 German silent film of the same name. The silent film was an unlicensed adaptation of the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker, so you know the basic plot. Thomas, a young realtor, visits Transylvania to secure a deal with a reclusive aristocrat and inadvertently unleashes a vampire upon the world, or at least upon one city.
Peekaboo, Count Orlok sees you!
NOSFERATU is a beautifully crafted update that fleshes out some unexplored plot elements from the original. Real estate proprietor Knock has a bit more to do than simply go mad and eat bugs, while the psychic connection between the realtor’s wife Ellen and Count Orlok is more fully developed. Visually dark (I would’ve been lost without Adrienne Barbeau’s descriptive audio narration) and emotionally moody, NOSFERATU is a solid love letter to its source material. However, if you want a truly unsettling vampire, nothing compares to the original silent film.
As an added bonus, NOSFERATU contains a wink and a nod to a couple of other vampire films through its cast. Nicholas Hoult plays Thomas, but in 2023, the actor was the title character in the outrageously fun Dracula spin-off RENFIELD. Willem Dafoe plays the disgraced professor who is treating Ellen’s maladies in NOSFERATU, but in 2000, he portrayed the original silent film NOSFERATU actor Max Schreck in SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE.
THELMA (2024)
written & directed by Josh Margolin
When Thelma is scammed out of $10,000 by someone pretending to be her grandson, there’s only one thing for this 93-year-old widow to do. Go after the scammer to get her money back by trekking across the city without her overprotective family’s knowledge. Will she succeed in her impossible mission? Hang onto your scooter because it’s going to be a wild ride!
Hell hath no fury like a Granny scammed!
THELMA is a delightfully funny, low-key crazy film about family, friendship and the realities of aging. There’s the right amount of heart to ground the story without causing the viewer to vomit.
The cast is perfection with June Squibb as the determined Thelma. She brings a human touch to a character that could’ve been portrayed as a caricature by a lesser thespian. Richard Roundtree, in his final role, brings sweet sincerity as Thelma’s cohort Ben. Parker Posey, as Thelma’s understandably stressed-out daughter, is a joy to watch and listen to, as always. Fred Hechinger, as Thelma’s devoted grandson, brings a bit of slacker charm to the table.
NOSFERATU was my planned purchase because I have the silent version and a remake from the 1970s, so my filmic OCD demanded I purchase a copy of the new one. THELMA was the impulse buy. The vivid cover caught my half-blind eyes, but even with my Mad Scientist Glasses on, I couldn’t quite decipher the title. I thought it was called Tell Me, so I asked my sister to tell me what the hell I was looking at. She read the title and then mentioned Parker Posey was in it. With that, THELMA was immediately put in my basket.
Wait, what are you putting where?
In conclusion…
Neither THELMA nor NOSFERATU will be donated to the library. I enjoyed both and they each deserve more viewings. However, if I could only keep one, it would be THELMA, which is currently streaming on Hulu. The story was full of surprises and was extremely entertaining and satisfying. Plus, it has Parker Posey!
Are you bored? Lonely? Unhappy with life? If you answered yes, worry no longer! You just need Aylmer in your life! No, not Elmer. Aylmer!
“Come to me and get my juice.”
After Aylmer, a slimy, slug-like alien creature, befriends you while you sleep by drilling a hole in the back of your neck, he will always have your back or at least be on it. For whenever you’re feeling down, Aylmer will simply insert his long stem into your newly acquired orifice and splash your brain with his electric blue juice so you will begin to see the world in a whole new feel-good hallucinogenic light.
A little dab’ll do ya.
You will no longer have to worry yourself with work, relatives or love. Aylmer’s juice is now all you need. However, he will give you the courage to meet new and interesting people at dance clubs and communal showers. You may even share some pleasurable interactions with your new friends before Aylmer eats their tasty brains. Is that too high of price for this type of intensely deep parasitic friendship? I think not! I mean, Aylmer will even sing to you when you’re suffering withdrawal symptoms from a lack of his juice. Isn’t that sweet?
All aboard for this juice trip!
So, be cool like Brian in BRAIN DAMAGE and get your brain hooked an Aylmer’s juice! Not sure where to find an Aylmer of your own? Check random puddles or your neighbor’s bathtub. When he’s not devouring human brains, Aylmer loves a-splishin’ and a-splashin’!
A boy’s best friend is his Aylmer.
How the hell did I not see BRAIN DAMAGE until now? It must not have turned up on HBO back in the day and my town’s local video store must have failed to stock it. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I stumbled upon this late ’80’s gem on Tubi. Writer/director Frank Henenlotter (best known for BASKET CASE) creates a wild and weird mash-up of sci-fi, horror and comedy. The plot and visuals are crazy, gruesome and “so wrong but so right” style of funny. Seriously, the back alley fellatio scene encompasses all of those attributes and will blow your mind, so to speak.
Rick Hearst (best known to me for the daytime soap GENERAL HOSPITAL) is a blast to watch as Brian, especially when the character is joyously high on Aylmer’s juice. Then there is the voice of Aylmer. Yes, the slimy phallic symbol talks and he is voiced by “Dinner With Drac” singer John Zacherle. It’s brilliant that Aylmer sounds gentle and intelligent instead of gross and scary.
In conclusion…BRAIN DAMAGE truly entertained and defied my expectations at every turn. So, if you need a fun distraction or a mood enhancer, draw a bath and lose your mind in a good way with BRAIN DAMAGE!
CONFESSION: I haven’t seem the two sequels to Frank Henenlotter’s BASKET CASE, but they are also currently streaming on Tubi, along with the first one and FRANKENHOOKER. Guess it’s time for a Frank Henenlotter movie marathon!
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. Get your brain hooked on my modern take on 1950’s sci-fi horror flicks and what happens after the end credits roll…
