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| Most pics were taken from my old TV with my tablet, so excuse the poor quality. |
Could it be fate or destiny that brought this film to me?
Whatever the reason, I located, watched and am now blogging about Ed Wood porn. What else can I call it? Sure, it’s predominantly hetero-centric, but how many strictly straight adult films name drop Bela Lugosi and include a coffin? This is Ed Wood all the way!  |
| My new bedroom |
(While I’m obviously not going to go into graphic detail, if anything you’ve just read offends, upsets or seriously freaks you out, stop reading this post and find a nice inspirational movie to feel safe with or something.)  |
| Glamorous 1970’s fashion icons! |
Shirley and Danny are a young couple having a hard, or lack thereof, time of it in the bedroom. Instead of going to a marriage therapist, they book a couple of days in the home of a necromancer. You see, they are secretly not married (gasp) and it is the 1970’s. What else would they do, especially in an Ed Wood film?
Madame Heles (pronounced “heals”), presumably sleeping in her coffin, will not see the couple until the stroke of midnight, so to speak. So, her assistant Tanya escorts the couple to their bedroom. Shirley changes into a poofy nightgown and Danny slips into what appears to be silk pajama bottoms. Alone and barely dressed, the young couple decide to try and couple again. After this failed attempt at passion (“I might just as well have watched television. That’s how much of a charge you give me.”), Shirley decides to explore Madame Heles’ abode, leaving Danny in the soft bed.  |
| When Shirley met Barb |
Shirley bumps into a mummy dog and then bumps and grinds into Barb. Seems Barb is a fellow “inmate” (client) of Madame Heles. She must also work for the necromancer because Shirley’s first same sex experience is ultimately part of her sexual training.
Tragically, Danny does not have a same sex experience. Instead Tanya, after performing a ritual involving a skull suckling her mammaries, expertly instructs Danny in preparation for the meeting with Madame Heles. Turns out that if Danny and Shirley fail to expand their horizons or whatever, they will end up lost forever, never finding satisfaction in the universal language of sex. Will Madame Heles save Danny and Shirley from this frustrating existence?  |
| Not Brad & Janet |
SPOILER ALERT!
At long last, the stroke of midnight is at hand. Before the necromancer appears, Tanya and Barb perform a ritual make-out session in front of the coffin, as Danny and Shirley watch on. After that allegedly titillating scene, which does not involve the skull, Madame Heles finally awakens. She opens her coffin, sits up and passes judgement on the young couple. Shirley has graduated and will live only for sex. However, Danny’s training is not complete and he will need to experience the personal teachings of Madame Heles. This means only one thing.
Coffin sex! ⚰️  |
| Criswell rising from the coffin would’ve made a great twist! |
A reluctant Danny is grabbed by an underwear clad man, stripped of his silk pajama bottoms by Tanya and Barb, and then forced into the coffin. The final scenes can best be summed up with, When the coffin’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’! As the coffin lid closes on Danny and Madame Heles, the ending leaves the viewer with questions. Did the coffin money shot mean Danny graduated? Will Shirley and Danny be reunited or is the coffin his new permanent address? Where did Shirley go anyway? The world will sadly never know the answers, not even when you ask yourself what the hell you just watched. |
| Was it a happy one? |
Ed may have used the pseudonym “Don Miller” but NECROMANIA is totally an Edward D. Wood, Jr. film! His off-kilter writing and direction is obvious. One bonus is there is even some legitimately funny dialogue between the young couple. (Shirley to Danny: “Sometimes I think you’re more of an old woman than my mother.”) Actors Rene Bond as Shirley and Ric Lutze as Danny would feel right at home in an earlier, less “sexy” Ed Wood film. They are easily the best actors here, which isn’t saying much, but a question rises, along with other things from the coffin. Generally speaking, is the acting in NECROMANIA Ed Wood bad or just porn bad? The answer probably depends upon the viewer. I think it’s a mix of both.
My biggest complaint is that Ed Wood didn’t fully embrace his crazy. Aside from humorous bickering from the young couple and the intriguingly uncomfortable idea of coffin sex, most of NECROMANIA; A TALE OF WEIRD LOVE fails to live up to its title. I mean, take PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, GLEN OR GLENDA, or even TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE for example! In those films, Ed’s special brand of crazy is vividly turned on. In NECROMANIA, the crazy sporadically comes and goes, with flaccid moments in between.  |
| Waiting for Sarah Conner to destroy the Terminator skull |
Speaking of flaccid, the surprisingly inexpensive DVD from Fleshbot Films I found on eBay includes two versions of the film. Ed Wood himself called them the “Hot!” version and the “Hot! Hot! Hot!” version. I question the accuracy of either designation, but I’m sure you can figure out the difference between them. For transparency’s sake, the latter is what this review is based on. In conclusion…
What else can I really say? If you are an Edward D. Wood, Jr. completist, then you must see NECROMANIA: A TALE OF WEIRD LOVE, even if the weirdest thing about it is the oddball music for the triple “Hot!” scenes, which ultimately makes perfect audio sense in an Ed Wood flick!
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. Click the pic ⤵️ to learn more about Ed Wood…
~~~~~~~~~~~~My queer little books are available from an Amazon near you… viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon
