freakboy on film: RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983)

Well, here we are for the ultra-sudsy Original Trilogy conclusion of a space opera from a long time ago and far, far away.  

Han Solo is now home furnishing decor for the palace of the literally sluggish gangster Jabba the Hutt, and everyone is out to rescue him.  Lando Calrissian is already in the palace, undercover as a very human guard.  C-3PO and R2-D2 show up with a message from Luke Skywalker, but end up as Jabba’s pointless translator droid and cocktail waitress, respectively.  Then Leia Organa turns up disguised as a tiny, but threatening bounty hunter, with Chewbacca as a prisoner.  Finally, Luke Skywalker arrives, rockin’ his late aunt’s hairdo, so this convoluted plan to save Han can get started.  (SPOILER ALERT)  They rescue Han.  If this comes as a surprise to you, then you have obviously never seen a movie before.  

Have you been living under a chunk of Carbonite?

The rest of RETURN OF THE JEDI is basically A NEW HOPE and THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, but with Ewoks.  There’s another Death Star to blow-up.  There’s another trap, or two or three.  There’s another family revelation.  By the end, it feels more than a little been there, done that. 

Can we go home now?

I could complain about Ewoks, but that’s too easy.  I could complain how the harsh lighting makes Yoda look like a Muppet, not to mention all of the other Muppet-ish characters, but the 1994 film CLERKS already summed it up perfectly.  I could complain about the lack of character development and a generally uneven script.  Instead, I’ll complain about one moment in RETURN OF THE JEDI that has become my least favorite scene in the Original Trilogy, if not all 9 episodes! 

Are they going to kiss again?

It’s evening at the Ewok village and Luke is in a mood.  Leia asks him what’s wrong and this leads to Luke revealing to Leia that they are brother and sister.  Leia says that somehow she always knew, which means that deep kiss in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK is full-tilt incestuous!  Plus, to kick off this painfully written and acted conversation, Luke asks Leia if she remembers her real mother.  Wait, what?  Where in HOPE or EMPIRE did Leia hint that she was adopted?  To confuse matters even more, Leia claims to remember her real mother being beautiful but sad.  Well, REVENGE OF THE SITH would later make Leia delusional or a liar because their mother dies after giving birth to the twins!  Maybe it’s that Obi-Wan Kenobi gibberish about something being true, from a certain point of view.   In my view, that’s just a way to cover up lies or massive holes in the plot!  

Does Mon Mothma approve of plot holes and incest?

That being said, there are things to enjoy in RETURN OF THE JEDI.  It’s awesome that it is Leia who strangles Jabba the Hutt, especially since he was probably the worm who forced her to wear that skimpy outfit.  One of the more surprising aspects, for a 1983 film, is the Rebel Alliance leader is a woman.  Mon Mothma, as portrayed by Caroline Blakiston in her brief scene, is strong, direct and compassionate.  Then there is the real reason to watch RETURN OF THE JEDI…The Emperor!  Rarely has a villain been so seductively evil.  Unlike most of the actors in JEDI, Ian McDiarmid delivers his surprisingly well-written lines in a subtle fashion, especially when The Emperor is tempting Luke to the Dark Side.  His voice oozes with emotional manipulation and cruelty.  Honestly, his scenes feel like they are taking place in a better film. 

How do you like my Dark Side?

In conclusion… 

Episode VI may not be the worst film in the STAR WARS franchise, but it is definitely the weakest in the Original Trilogy.  Should we blame George Lucas and co-screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan?  Does director Richard Marquand share the responsibility for its deficiencies?  Maybe all of the above, but there’s still entertainment to be found.  So, if you crave some sci-fi escapism from the current reality, then pull up a chair and watch RETURN OF THE JEDI.  Just make sure to watch the original 1983 version.  The not-so “Special Edition” managed to make a not-so great film even worse! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  In memoriam…Boba Fett (1978-1983) 
You died for the sake of a burp joke, but you’ll always be the baddest badass bounty hunter in our galactic hearts! 🖤 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the character has appeared in later versions of STAR WARS, so just shut your nerd mouths and let me have this moment! 
~~~~~~~~~~~
Click a pic ⤵️ for more of the Original Trilogy… 

The Handy-Dandy Helpful Junk Jaunt Doomsday Guide!

Are you living in constant fear that the psychopaths disguised as world leaders will carelessly start World War III? 

Are you scared that the interstellar visitors in our solar system are comets or asteroids heading for a direct impact with Earth? 

Are you freaking out that those interstellar visitors might actually be an alien invasion fleet coming to conquer humanity?  

Well, if you answered YES to any of those End-of-the-World Scenarios… 

FEAR NO MORE!  

All your Doomsday Preparation Needs can be found along the Junk Jaunt in Broken Bow, Nebraska! 

Enter at your own risk!

Stock your Fallout Shelter  Pantry with a 15 ounce can of crisp, refreshing water because less is more!  

Just skim the rust off!

Grab a Geiger counter to aid in detecting those pesky radiation leaks in your DIY Fallout Shelter! 

Safety first!

Pick up a homemade figurine to support a local artist and to brighten up your otherwise drab Fallout Shelter! 

Stylish & inevitable!

If you don’t have a Fallout Shelter, just Duck and Cover!  

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Don’t forget to stock your Fallout Shelter Library with titles you’ll want to read over and over again during the Alien Occupation or Nuclear Winter, whichever comes first! 

Future post-apocalyptic bestsellers!

channel freakboy: THE SNOOP SISTERS (1972-1974)

Before Jessica Fletcher started suspiciously turning up whenever a murder occurs, there was mystery novelist Ernesta Snoop and her sister Gwendolyn (call her “G”) Snoop Nicholson, who happily types out Ernesta’s manuscripts.  Through five 90 minute episodes, this duo solved murders, found suspected dead persons alive and even proved their own innocence in an attempted murder!  They did all of this surrounded by familiar faces, such as Vincent Price, Roddy McDowall, Geraldine Page, Jill Clayburgh, Bert Convy, Bo Svenson, Bernie Casey, Katherine Helmand, and Alice Cooper.  Yes, you read that correctly!  Alice Cooper even performs a song and does a bit of decent acting! 

I found THE SNOOP SISTERS at a thrift store during a day trip in a different town.  Neither my sister nor I had ever heard of this series.  I initially thought it was British, but when my sister read the back, I realized I was wrong.  According to the box, THE SNOOP SISTERS was part of a rotating NBC Mystery Movie series, which explains the limited number of lengthy episodes.  

Helen Hayes as Ernesta and Mildred Natwick as “G” have fantastic sisterly chemistry.  They finish each other sentences and sometimes communicate without even completing a sentence.  If they overhear their police detective nephew discussing the case as they are leaving a room, they turn around in unison to overhear more.  Together, they make for a delightfully quirky duo who will not stop until the mystery is solved. 

The pilot episode, “The Female Instinct” (S1 E0, according to IMDb) is the best in the short-lived series.  The story revolves around a former movie star who is murdered after she announces the impending publication of a scandalous tell-all book.  Ernesta and “G” knew the woman, so they take it upon themselves to investigate, with the occasional assistance of their ex-con chauffeur.  Eccentric characters come and go, culminating with all the suspects gathered in a drawing room for the big reveal.  It seems like a typical whodunit, but the charming idiosyncrasies of Ernesta and “G” elevate the plot.  Plus, the sisters get to pursue the murderer in their 1930’s Lincoln as their nephew pursues them in a commandeered ice cream truck!  

The best thing about the pilot episode is it allows THE SNOOP SISTERS to naturally be their quirky, curious, incisive selves, with verbal word play that is clever and funny.  With maybe the exception of “Fear is a Free-Throw” (S1 E2), where “G” is a prime suspect in an attempted murder, the other episodes tone down their quirky charm and instead focus more on the guest stars or placing the sisters in silly situations.  I mean, yes, it is amusing to see Ernesta and “G” dressed up as the Frankenstein monster and his Bride in “A Black Day for Bluebeard” (S1 E4), but it lacks that special something from the pilot. 

In conclusion… 
THE SNOOP SISTERS may not become my favorite mystery series, but it is an enjoyable early ‘70’s romp.  All of the guest stars are fun, but the title characters are the reason to watch.  When Ernesta and “G” are allowed to take the spotlight, they shine bright with eccentric glitter.  So, pull up a cozy chair and enjoy THE SNOOP SISTERS as they snoop and snoop and snoop!  

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. In case you’re an Alice Cooper completist, the rock legend appears in “The Devil Made Me Do It” (S1 E3) 

freakboy on film: WEAPONS (2025)

⚠️WARNING⚠️ 
I’m gonna spoil the shit out of this film!

written & directed by Zach Cregger 

The only things I knew about WEAPONS before catching a matinee were the title and that it was horror/suspense.  Maybe I had a vague notion of the plot centering around kids because of the shadows on the poster that I briefly glanced at without my Mad Scientist Glasses, so any text went undeciphered. 

WEAPONS is about almost all the kids in a classroom not showing up for school one morning.  Only Justine Gandy, the new teacher, and one shy student are there, followed by a town full of questions and accusations.  All that is known is the missing kids walked…well…more ran out of their homes at 2:17 AM and never came back.  Maybe they were running away from this movie?  The story unfolds from different perspectives, which I liked, culminating in an ending that goes on too long.  

Other things I liked include Amy Madigan as Aunt Gladys.  Initially, it’s like she’s channeling Katherine Helmond as Jessica Tate in the sitcom SOAP (1977-1981), but her kind, mildly ditzy personality is all a (witch)crafty ruse.  

Another thing I liked was the surprise inclusion of a same-sex couple!  LGBTQ+ representation in the horror genre has come a long way, but it’s still feels rare.  That being said, have we come far enough in rights and being accepted to have the only queer representation in WEAPONS brutally killed without having a conversation about it, especially with the current political climate?  

This brings me to something  I didn’t like, besides the goofy scenes of kids running into the dark, the predictable jump scares, the long ending and a lack of explanation over how exactly the missing, spellbound kids loitering around a basement were going to cure an ailing old witch.  I mean, she was obviously not eating them and the kids didn’t seem to be aging if she was  siphoning their youth, but whatever.  As that ending never seemed to end, a realization dawned in my, perhaps, oversensitive mind.  All the characters who died in WEAPONS would be considered “sinners” in the self-righteous minds of right-wing religious whackjobs.  There’s an unfaithful husband, a junkie thief, a gay couple and a witch.  As the admittedly unique ending credits scrolled up at angles, I seriously pondered whether or not I just watched a piece of heteronormative, conservative Christian claptrap disguised as a horror film.  The big flaw in my borderline outrage logic is if my pondering was correct, the teacher would’ve died because she had an affair with the unfaithful husband.  History has proven time and time again that right-wing religious whackjobs would label a woman in this position a harlot or temptress and blame her for everything. 

So, the teacher not dying probably proves my pondering wrong, but the possibility of being correct leaves a distasteful taste in my mouth.  It doesn’t help that I reside in a conservative religious town, in a conservative religious state, in a country currently gunning for right-wing whackjob supremacy.  Can you blame me if my bigotry alert radar is set on high?  I mean, just look at the itsy-bitsy religious propaganda popping up around my already holier-than-thou town for Christ’s sake! 😏 

In conclusion…
If my spoilers and ponderings haven’t ruined it for you, I suppose WEAPONS isn’t the worst way to spend over two hours of your life.  (Did it need to be that long?  No.)  There is some humor and the different perspectives keep things interesting for a bit, but save some soda and popcorn for the never-ending ending.  You’re gonna need some energy to stay focused! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Julia Garner as Justine Gandy in WEAPONS made me visually think of a young Parker Posey donning a bad blond wig and glasses from a different decade. 

ONE LOVE vs. TOPS, BOTTOMS AND SIDEPOCKETS

My literary habit of late is reading two books at the same time.  Typically, this involves two very different books, such as one from an indie author and one of the generally tepid and often hetero-centric New York Times bestsellers from the lunchtime book group.  However, in this hot month of July, fate sandwiched me between two queer books.  

The interesting thing is the two books were published 60 years apart.  What are the differences?  Are there similarities?  Let’s find out…

ONE LOVE by Matt Cain(2025) 

Danny and Guy have been best friends since meeting at uni.  Now, a couple of decades later, these two men, who have drifted in and out of each other’s lives over the years, have reunited for the Manchester Pride celebration, but Danny has a mission.  He wants to confess his decades long love for Guy and hopefully transform their friendship into a deeper emotional and physical connection.  Will these friends become lovers or will the past bubbling up around them tear the two apart? 

Author Matt Cain cuts & pastes Danny and Guy’s story together by bouncing the reader back and forth through their present and past.  This plot device started out interesting, but I struggled to finish ONE LOVE.  I found it difficult to embrace the characters and the plot became rather repetitive.  Then the ultimate message of loving yourself is bashed into our brains again and again and again.  By the end, it just made me want to scream, “Ok, I f***ing get it already !” 

TOPS, BOTTOMS AND SIDEPOCKETS by Robin Versage and Leland Garner(1965) 

This is an allegedly true account of one gay man’s life from mid-teens to early thirties.  Robin learns at a young age that he might be homosexual, struggling and exploring this possibility in his final years of high school.  As soon as he graduates, Robin skips college and leaves Portland for Los Angeles.  There he meets a $5 hooker named Sandy.  She and Robin form a curious bond.  Sandy pimps Robin out to men at first, but then, after Robin finds more socially acceptable work, they get married.  All the while, Robin is searching for the man of his dreams.  Sandy is fully aware, but perhaps wishes she could be enough for him.  Eventually, Robin’s growing success as an art dealer allows Sandy to give up her sex work and this unconventional duo can finally live comfortably in a classy neighborhood.  In this top shelf suburbia, Robin meets Joseph, a married psychologist.  Has Robin found the man of his dreams?  Will Sandy’s past and Robin’s sexuality destroy their fancy tea party life?  Are Robin & Sandy the Will & Grace of the ‘60’s? 

I guess that explains sidepockets.

I’ve read enough Vintage Gay Pulp Fiction to question whether or not this is a true story.  Robin’s life contains all the scandalous elements to cause a reader to devour each sordid page.  However, it does have an unapologetic attitude by the end.  Robin looks back on his life up to that point without making excuses or having regrets.  He also points out his life doesn’t represent every gay man’s experience and even touches upon how homosexuals are just as emotionally and physically diverse as heterosexuals.  So, maybe TOPS, BOTTOMS AND SIDEPOCKETS is a true story or at least the author is queer or an open-minded ally. 

While these two books have differences, I was struck by their similarities.  For starters, they both explore a functionally dysfunctional relationship over the course of many years, whether it be Danny and Guy or Robin and Sandy.  Another thing I found fascinating is that each book has at least one character worried that if they admit to being homosexual, they will transform into a swishy stereotype.  For better or for worse, there is a lot of focus on physical appearance in both stories.  Finally, and this may be the most amazing similarity, the shared moral is one of self-acceptance and bravely being yourself, no matter what the world thinks.  Such a concept is beyond progressive for 1965 and is thankfully pretty common in 2025. 

In conclusion…
I obviously enjoyed TOPS, BOTTOMS AND SIDEPOCKETS way more than ONE LOVE.  The former moves along at a brisk pace with vivid characters and wild situations, while the latter drags with unlikable characters and repetitive situations.  Perhaps I get such an electric, non-p.c. thrill in taking a peek behind the lavender curtain at pre-Stonewall queer life that some modern day queer fiction bores me.  Either that, or I just love trashy novels! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  click the pic ⤵️ to pray for my literary salvation! 🙏 

~~~~~~~~~~~~
While not as lurid as Jacqueline Susann or Vintage Gay Pulp Fiction, DARK EXCURSIONS skirts the trashy edges of sordid craziness with its soap opera twists and turns! 

2015

freakboy on film: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980)

WARNING! 
May the spoilers be with you!  

The Death Star has been blown to smithereens.  The Rebel Alliance has triumphed over the Galactic Empire.  Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia Organa and Han Solo have become BFFs.  C-3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca should be bonding over not receiving medals for their roles in rescuing Leia and blowing up the Death Star.  Oh, and that pesky Darth Vader escaped in his super fashionable bent-winged Tie-Fighter. 

Where does the story from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away go from there? 

Darth Vader spends his free time and not-so-defeated Empire money stalking Luke Skywalker across the galaxy and killing off underlings who disappoint him.  Luke takes spiritual advice from the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi and goes way off grid on Dagobah for some Jedi training from Yoda.   Han Solo sexually harasses General Leia Organa as they take forever to evade the pursuing Empire.  Eventually, Han and Leia make their way to Cloud City and meet up with Han’s best frenemy Lando Calrissian.  However, it’s all a trap by Darth Vader to lure Luke to the Dark Side and give him to the Emperor.  All of this culminates in Leia confessing her love for Han right before he is frozen in carbonate and shipped to Jabba the Hutt by badass bounty hunter Boba Fett, Luke losing his hand and nearly his mind when it’s revealed Darth Vader is his daddy, Leia and Luke sharing a psychic Force connection and finally, Lando and Chewbacca heading off to Luke’s home planet to save Han Solo. 

Confused?

Will they save Han?  Will Leia regret telling Han she loves him?  Will Luke and Leia discuss the rather intense kiss they shared on the ice planet Hoth?  Will C-3PO and R2-D2 accept their diminished status as supporting comic relief?  Will Darth Vader expect a tie and a bottle of Old Spice cologne from his son on Father’s Day?  Find out next time on As the Jedi Turns! 

Only Yoda knows!

I hate to burst the sci-fi epic wet dream bubble of all the early 1980’s hetero-centric male nerds, but George Lucas conned you into watching a daytime soap opera!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK isn’t entertaining, it’s just the space equivalent of GENERAL HOSPITAL, especially with the “Who’s your daddy?” moment between Vader and Luke!  My love of sudsy dramas may explain why, for many years, I considered Episode V the best of the Original Trilogy.  Now, my feelings need to be reconsidered.  

I mean, I still enjoy EMPIRE, but the years, prequels and sequels may have tarnished its luster.  Darth Vader rocks as he Force-strangles anyone who fails him.  Yoda still manages to be more than a muppet and it’s great to watch him knock Luke’s ego down a notch or two.  Lando Calrissian (a smooth Billy Dee Williams) remains a new breath of roguish charm, especially since Han Solo has misplaced his somewhere.  Boba Fett continues to win the Best Badass Bounty Hunter award.  Oh, and the AT-AT’s are still cool.  

Who’s a good AT-AT?

For me, at least this time around, the romance irritated me.  I know, I know!  Call me a hypocrite since I tend to write romance into my books, and even included a version of the infamous “I love you!  I know.” Leia and Han exchange in DARK EXCURSIONS.  After the end of A NEW HOPE, when Luke and Han return from blowing up the Death Star, I got the impression that Luke, Leia and Han were best friends, nothing more.  So, Han and Leia’s “Will they or won’t they?” routine gets really old really quick.  Plus, don’t get me started on Leia’s deep, passionate kiss on Luke’s lips!  I’ll save that uncomfortable conversation for Episode VI! 

Don’t jump, my son!  The Dark Side will forgive you for frenching your sister!

I must add that the story is by George Lucas, but the screenplay for EMPIRE is credited to Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan.  Also, Lucas gave the director’s chair to Irvin Kershner.  Would STAR WARS Episode V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK be a different film if George Lucas had stayed behind the helm?  After all, A NEW HOPE is the superior film, but the Prequel Trilogy is reason enough to question his creative choices.  As for the acting, the cast still has some residual 1970s naturalness about them, but there is a slightly forced, pun intended, style with some of their dialogue delivery.  The superb score by John Williams elevates the entire production, with a huge shout-out to The Imperial March, easily one of the most memorable pieces of film music ever! 

The coolest Barbershop Quartet in the galaxy!

In conclusion… 
There is a lot to enjoy in Episode V of the original STAR WARS trilogy.  Even the not-so “Special Edition” isn’t so bad since they got rid of Luke’s horrendously stupid electronic scream as he chooses self-destruction over joining the Dark Side with Daddy Darth, which was needlessly added for the 1997 “Special Edition” theatrical release.  I’ll even confess to loving how they made Cloud City look like the tourist trap destination we always knew it was!  Anyhoo, I re-watched the original 1980 theatrical version for this review.  So, if you’re in the mood for some outer space soap bubble action, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK may be the sudsy episode for you! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Lando Calrissian was my favorite EMPIRE Kenner action figure growing up.  Remove his cape and Lando was ready to boogie on down to Cloud City’s version of Studio 54! 🪩

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Visit the town of STURGEONS for a modern take on 1950s sci-fi horror, films!
📗 

channel freakboy: DOCTOR WHO: VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED (2007)

It felt like fate or destiny or a big ball of timey-wimey coincidence when Rebecca of Taking Up Room announced THE TITANIC IN POP CULTURE BLOGATHON.  Earlier this year, I revealed to the 4 or 5 readers of this blog how much I love James Cameron’s 1997 blockbuster TITANIC.  Since my heart already went on and on and on about one of the most loved and hated Titanic tales, how else could I participate?  The answer crashed into me just like the Titanic crashed through the walls of the TARDIS in the opening scene of the VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED 2007 Christmas episode of DOCTOR WHO.   

The Doctor had just said goodbye to companion Martha Jones when what appears to be the doomed 1912 luxury liner rams through his space-time machine.  After becoming a stowaway, The Doctor quickly realizes he isn’t on the original Titanic, but rather a spaceship replica currently visiting Earth.  I guess our savage, war-hungry race is of interest to hoity-toity alien vacationers.  These vacationers include a supposed expert on Earth culture and history, a rich entrepreneur, a spikey little reddish person, and a joyous couple who won tickets through a lottery.  The Doctor takes a shine to most of the vacationers, but his attention is primarily on a cocktail waitress named Astrid Peth.  Astrid took this job on the Titanic so she could visit alien worlds.  After The Doctor makes her alien sky dreams come true with a quick trip to Earth, the Titanic is hit by a meteoroid storm.  This collision causes the Titanic to begin sinking in space, hurtling directly towards Earth. 

Now The Doctor must guide Astrid and the surviving vacationers through the severely damaged ship to the bridge so he can take the helm.  This task becomes complicated when the information robot angels, meant to help passengers, begin turning into malfunctioning killing machines.  Was the meteoroid impact really an accident?  Will The Doctor rescue the survivors?  Will Titanic sink into the Earth and wipe out all life when the nuclear engines set the sky on fire?  Will the robot angels fly? 

VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED is, in my opinion, one of the best DOCTOR WHO Christmas specials and it would be a good introduction for the uninitiated viewer.  The Doctor is between companions, so it’s almost like a fresh start.  There are a few brief references to past episodes, but nothing vital to the central Titanic plot.  A new viewer will get to know The Doctor and how this space-time traveler responds physically and emotionally to sometimes impossible situations.  Another great thing about this episode is the viewer really gets to know the other characters as The Doctor leads them through the Titanic.  Tragically, this means it hurts when some of them die along the way.  The overall plot is more reminiscent of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (1972) than James Cameron’s TITANIC.  

Writer Russell T. Davies turns in a script that is simultaneously fun, scary, amusing, tragic and touching.  David Tennant as The 10th Doctor gives a dazzling performance full of humor and pathos.  The character of Astrid Peth is so down-to-earth and relatable that it’s easy to forget she is portrayed by the “Princess of Pop” herself, Kylie Minogue.  Nope, she doesn’t sing, which helps make Astrid feel so real that the viewer will root for her to be The Doctor’s next companion.  Add the rest of the strong supporting cast and director James Strong, and you will have the perfect sci-fi Christmas present to make you feel all the feels!

In conclusion…
Whether or not you’re a Whovian and/or a Titanic completist, VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED is a gem to be enjoyed at Christmas or anytime of the year! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Click a pic for more DOCTOR WHO… 💙