freakboy on film: LET MY PUPPETS COME (1976)

 

“No, eBay, I don’t need puppet porn.” 

That’s what I said as I examined the email recommendation.  A large chunk of my Andy Milligan collection came from eBay, so I understood why they would suggest such a film.  I deleted the email and tried to ignore the ping on my filmic radar.  Then a friend snarkily reminded me how there’s a difference between need and want.  

Well, I told myself that I didn’t really want LET MY PUPPETS COME, even as I lost a couple of eBay auctions.  Then on one fateful Saturday morning, I noticed an auction ending around noon.  There wasn’t a single bid, so I placed one for $1 more than the reasonable starting price.  I then shut off my tablet and went about my Saturday, attempting to act like I didn’t care if I won or lost.

“OMG, I won the puppet porn!” 

That’s what I exclaimed, perhaps a tad loudly, as I checked my email while eating lunch with my sister at Runza Restaurant.  I was shocked that nobody had outbid me, despite the same thing happening last year with Andy Milligan’s THE WEIRDO (1989).  Anyhoo, I paid for my surprising win the minute I arrived home and waited for either the puppets or the police, whichever would come first.  Well, the puppets came and I anxiously popped in the disc. 

Jimmy, a dim bulb, comes up with a bright idea 

Things are looking bleak for executives Fred, Ned, Red and their father Gramps at Creative Concepts Systems & Procedures Brothers Unlimited Inc.  Their investment in Big League Bocce has tanked and they owe money to the New York mafia.  What are these puppets to do?  Along comes delivery boy Jimmy to save the day.  He suggests that the brothers produce a skin flick to generate enough revenue to pay off their debts.  Well, it sounds easier than selling heroin, so Fred, Ned, Red, Gramps and Jimmy dive deep into the 1970’s hardcore porn industry.  

Is there anything I can do to make you feel uncomfortable? - Lash 

They receive technical assistance from a couple of film experts.  Lash, who lives for leather-bound discipline, is recruited as cameraman.  Geppetto is called in to add some class to the smut and to literally create the cast.  His son Pinocchio tags along and immediately begins sticking his nose in everybody’s business.  To top it off, a woman of a certain age is there to watch over the filming for a group called Urban Women for Decent Pornography.  Will this porno be decent enough for Urban Women?  Will the rather surprising musical moments be a hit or a miss?  Will the addition of commercial parodies help lengthen the film?  Will the mafia kingpin arrive to break kneecaps and collect his money before Fred, Ned, Red, Gramps and Jimmy can complete shooting their skin flick?  You’ll have to watch to find out. 

Geppetto, a puppet who makes puppets 

Sure, I’ve seen MEET THE FEEBLES (1989) and THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018), but those puppet films did not prepare me for LET MY PUPPETS COME.  I sat through that first viewing in a naughty Muppet Show fever dream daze, with outbursts of startled laughter.  Did they just say…?  Did they just do…?  I wasn’t sure what to think, but I knew I wanted to know more.  So, my second viewing was with the audio commentary on. 

Film historians

Heather Drain and Samm Deighan provide an extremely entertaining and informative discussion of this different kind of puppet film.  I was surprised, in a good way, to hear that writer/director Gerard Damiano was also the mind behind the infamous 1972 crossover hit DEEP THROAT.  There was an amusing shock when they revealed a Disney connection through an actor, playing a very human chauffeur, who would later go on to provide the voice of Jafar in ALADDIN (1992).  They also talked about how LET MY PUPPETS COME was inspired by a an off-broadway stage musical with the terrific title KUMQUATS.  Last, but not least, I found it wonderfully refreshing to hear these two women geek out and celebrate 1970’s hardcore porn.  

Is that a nose on Pinocchio’s face or is he just happy to  be in this film? 

Well, with the newly acquired knowledge, I had to experience LET MY PUPPETS COME again and I found myself seriously enjoying it.  No, not like that.  The crazy-absurd film suddenly made perfect sense and was a total trip and a half!  I’ve watched the entire film a few more times since then and have often skipped around to my favorite scenes when I need some cheer.  One scene in particular involves Pinocchio becoming human and singing an awesome song about the new all-American boy.  It is bizarre, wild, wonderful and probably politically incorrect nowadays.  However, if you’re easily offended, you really shouldn’t be watching puppet porn or even reading this blog. 

Pinocchio contributes to the delinquency of adults through glam rock 

In conclusion… 

Yes, eBay, I did need puppet porn and my filmic life is all the better for it.  So, if you want to experience something hysterically shocking and joyously raunchy, grab some grapes, take a swig of “Lusterine” and prepare yourself for the sights you will never unsee in LET MY PUPPETS COME! 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out,

JLH 

P.S.  LET MY PUPPETS COME was the third place winner in a Twitter poll I conducted to decide which film I should review now that my blog serial is over.  

So click the pic ⤵️ for the fourth place winner…

…and click the pic ⤵️ to learn about the second place film… 

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Click the pic ⤵️ to read my blog serial…

freakboy on film: THREE IN THE ATTIC (1968)

Unlike many of the crazy films I’ve experienced over the last year, this one did NOT ping onto my radar through my Andy Milligan obsession.  Instead, I must thank the cheesy, far less sexy Vampira/Elvira knock-off named Svengoolie.  I was watching his horror movie show on ME-TV when he got to my favorite part…the cast!  He talks about the various film and television roles the actors are best known for since it’s probably not from the wonderfully schlocky movie he’s showing.

I can’t recall what film Svengoolie was presenting, but he mentioned Judy Pace was in the controversial film THREE IN THE ATTIC.  My interest was peaked by the title and the word controversial, so I grabbed my phone and searched IMDb.  Here is what my phone read to me…. 

“When three coeds discover that the campus Casanova is dating them

all at once, they lock him up in an attic and take turns having sex with

him…to drain the stud of his potency.”

I started laughing, perhaps inappropriately.  Then I asked the world, in a most incredulous tone, “How have I not heard of this film?”  In the days that followed, I watched the trailer and searched streaming sites.  I found it listed on Epix, but instead of subscribing, I decided to look for a physical copy.  There was one very inexpensive DVD on eBay, so I snatched it up without a second thought.  Maybe it was a hunch that THREE IN THE ATTIC would be my bag or perhaps I really do have a filmic problem.  Either way, I took a breath and popped in the disc. 

Paxton Quigley

The IMDb synopsis is basically spot on, but there’s a little more to it.  Big stud on campus Paxton Quigley, who even gets his own theme song*, meets Tobey.  Tobey is an intellectually driven young woman from a nearby women’s college .  This unlikely pair seem to fall in love and their future looks bright.  That is until Tobey’s parents butt in, causing friction between the lovebirds.  

Tobey

Maybe this is why Paxton Quigley is seduced, his words, by another young woman from the same college as Tobey.  Eulice is an artist looking for a good time and a subject to paint, both of which she finds in Paxton Quigley.  He puts the ass in class as he takes Eulice to a cheap motel he frequents so often that he receives a discount. 

Eulice

As if Paxton Quigley wasn’t already a big enough dirty-ho-playa’, he has a collision with some flowers and yet another young woman from  the same college as Tobey and Eulice.  Janet is a new age hippie-chick looking for inner peace while indulging her id.  She nearly doesn’t fall for the so-called charms of Paxton Quigley until he claims to be queer.  It’s 1968, so of course Janet must use her womanly flower power to “save” him. 

Janet

Tobey, Eulice and Janet do not know about each other’s involvement with the same man because Paxton Quigley has a hook-up schedule, which also includes watching Bonanza on his day of rest.  His bed-hopping goes on for a while, but Paxton Quigley eventually seems to want to give up his philandering ways and settle down with Tobey.  Tobey, however, has other plans.

Hell  hath no fury like 3 women scorned!

The three women have figured out what’s been going on, so they do what anyone would do.  Lock the scoundrel in an attic and give him exactly what he wants.  Yes, Tobey, Eulice and Janet take turns having sex with him.  What seems almost like a titillating prank turns dark when Paxton Quigley goes on a hunger strike.  Will Paxton Quigley be the first casualty of the sexual revolution?  What is Tobey, Eulice and Janet’s end game?  You’ll have to watch to find out. 

Yvette Mimieux is intense and complex as Tobey, especially when the attic plan is set into motion.  Judy Pace is fun and fierce as Eulice, especially when she’s being sexually aggressive.  Plus, she gets the best line in the film… “True love just makes me sick.”  Maggie Thrett is trippy and a bit crazy as Janet, especially when she’s in full-tilt new age hippie-chick mode.  Christopher Jones is frustratingly likable as Paxton Quigley, even when he’s being an utter creep.  This is probably because he emanates a chilled James Franco vibe. 

Paxton Quigley dreaming of watching Bonanza.

Director Richard Wilson does a serviceable job.  There are some interesting visuals, especially in a dream sequence.  Though generally the look of the film reminds me of made for television movies from the 1970’s, which is not a complaint.  Low-budget and unpolished holds my attention.  What also held my attention is the story.  Writer Stephen Yafa creates four memorable main characters and an intriguing premise.  The plot slows down a little in the middle, and maybe doesn’t dig quite as deep as it could, but the story has enough controversial situations and dialogue to keep things interesting.  Honestly, it is probably more controversial in 2022 than it was in 1968.

In conclusion, THREE IN THE ATTIC is not for everyone.  I enjoyed it because the story is a step off the beaten path and it’s not to be taken too seriously.  The amusing animated end credits of a couple discussing the film illuminates the satirical edge.  So, if you want something a little different, put some flowers in your hair and experience THREE IN THE ATTIC.

*⚠️WARNING!⚠️ 

Paxton Quigley’s theme song will become your new earworm! 🎵 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out,

JLH 

P.S.  THREE IN THE ATTIC was the second place winner in a Twitter poll I conducted to decide which film I should review now that my blog serial is over.  

So click the pic ⤵️ for the third place winner…

 

…and click the pic ⤵️ to learn about the first place film…

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Click the pic ⤵️ to read my blog serial…

freakboy on film: TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE (1970)

Long before I hustled down 42nd Street with Andy Milligan…

Way before I tripped beyond my dreaming with Russ Meyer…

Years before I became a hair-hopper with John Waters…

There was Edward D. Wood Jr, more affectionately known as Ed Wood.  

I was a kid when I first heard of Ed Wood and it wasn’t long before I was reveling in his magnum opus PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1957).  It was love at first Criswell and I eventually experienced more of his other films, including GLEN OR GLENDA (1953).  His weirdly backwards, yet way ahead of it’s time, tale of gender reassignment and transvestitism clicked in my young queer mind and is still a personal favorite.  

Honestly, I had never heard of TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE until this year.  My love of Wood mainly centered around his early horror and crime stuff.  His later sexploitation flicks never interested me, but then I stumbled upon TRADE on the Vinegar Syndrome website.  Sadly, the Blu-ray/DVD combo pack was out of stock and it was nowhere to be found on Amazon or even eBay, which shocked me.  All I could turn up on eBay was a Something Weird Video VHS of outtakes from the film, but more about that later.  A Google “shopping” search located a reasonably priced copy at Forbidden Planet in NYC.  I ordered it on a Friday and it arrived the following Monday.  This was using the cheapest shipping method, so I was very satisfied with Forbidden Planet.  However, a question remains…

Was I satisfied with TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE? 

Well…yes and no.  

On one side, the threadbare plot about a snooty couple hiring Mac McGregor, private investigator, to find their 20 year-old daughter Shirley is just an excuse to show T & A…& V.  The inept and beyond sketchy private eye  uses the case to literally travel around the world ogling naked women as they walk up and down a staircase, play pool and basically engage in soft-core porn.  In other words, TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE is definitely aimed for a hetero-centric male audience…

…or is it? 

On the flip side, when the film is focused on the actual plot, we are introduced to LGBTQ+ characters that, for a 1970’s skin-flick, seem revolutionary…and I am not talking about the prerequisite lesbian sex scenes.  After P.I. Mac McGregor roughs up Sleazy Maisie Rumpledinck, a drug addicted hooker who could have escaped from a John Waters film, she tells him Shirley is with “that drag queen Alecia.” 

Well, that drag queen is played by Ed Wood himself and it’s a glorious moment.  Dressed in orange angora  and a green miniskirt, with long white go-go boots, and topped with a blond wig, Alecia snaps, crackles and pops in a tragically brief scene.  It’s easy to see that Ed is having a good time here, which is why this scene is awesome!  I just wish Alecia would’ve been the main character or at least got a spin-off film, but it was 1970.  Anyhoo, the private dick roughs her up a bit and she reveals  Shirley took off with Paul and Henry, two “nice boys.”

After an extended montage of naked staircase walking and billiards, we finally meet Paul and Henry.  These “nice boys” have been married for two years and they have a “house-mother” who picks up tricks for them.  Paul and Henry blur the lines between gender and traditional marriage roles, which make them a joy to watch.  Surprisingly, Mac McGregor doesn’t rough them up for information.  Instead, the P.I. questions their “house-mother” Ruth in her bedroom, if you know what I mean. 

Does the private investigator find the missing Shirley?  Will her snobbish parents pay up?  Will the title make sense by the end?  Does it matter since the plot is secondary?  I am not going to spoil you with answers, even though this may not be the easiest film to find.

Despite the differences from his earlier work, TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE is very much written and directed by Ed Wood.  First, take insane dialogue.  “Show me a person, man or woman, who can say sex doesn’t enter their minds more than they care to admit and I’ll show you a dead human.”  Mix this with debatable acting.  Ed Wood is easily the best actor in the bunch, which probably says a lot.  Finally add some crazy visuals.  What appears to be indoor lightning suddenly flashes before a set of curtains in one scene.  Then a woman walks by a painting while holding an umbrella in another.  Both scenes are repeated throughout the film, leaving the viewer wondering what it all means.  Only the late Ed Wood knows for certain, but the random nonsense enhances the film.  

According to the audio commentary and the liner notes, TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE was maybe or maybe not shown in one theater back in 1970 before disappearing into the filmic ether.  Then, in the 1990’s, Something Weird Video unearthed over an hour of silent outtakes and released it on VHS.  This footage is included on the Blu-ray, and it’s an interesting historical document with an eye-popping scene or two.  Thankfully one print of the film was discovered and released by American Genre Film Archive & Something Weird Video.  From my understanding, actor/stuntman Ray “Crash” Corrigan had been sitting on the print all this time.  If anything, it gives me hope that Andy Milligan’s lost films will one day be found. 

In conclusion, I am left with mixed feelings.  When focused on its plot, TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE is brilliant and brilliantly absurd, but the sexploitation scenes quickly become boring and repetitive.  So, I recommend TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE with a suggestion.  

Don’t hesitate to hit the Fast-Forward ⏩ button. 

(Click here for IMDb’s shockingly incomplete cast list) 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out,

JLH 

P.S.  TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE was the first place winner in a Twitter poll I conducted to decide which film I should review now that my blog serial is over.  

So click the pic ⤵️ for the second place winner…

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Click the pic ⤵️ to read my blog serial…

DARK EXCURSIONS (my dream cast)

Gill of Realweegiemidget Reviews is getting ready to read my modern take on gothic romance, which is exciting and a bit nerve-wracking for me.  That’s how I always get when someone announces they are reading one of my books.  Anyhoo, she asked which actors I would cast if DARK EXCURSIONS became a film or TV series.  This wasn’t the easiest question to answer, but I thought I would give it a shot.

So, for better or for worse, meet my dream cast of DARK EXCURSIONS… 

(NOTE - age of actors may not completely fit with characters) 

Anapola Van Der Van - Nicole Kidman 

(I had her in mind as the manipulative matriarch while writing the book)

Crop Hoppins- Colin Farrell 

(He would exude the former stable boy’s roguish charm and sizzling sensuality)   

Cheryl Van Der Van - Lili Reinhart 

(This RIVERDALE actor would perfectly circumnavigate Cheryl’s emotional growth as she confronts the past)

Dinkel - Josh Hutcherson  

(I think this HUNGER GAMES actor would easily express the one-armed gardener’s strength and vulnerability)

Xylem Smith - Timothy Olyphant 

(For some reason, his role in SANTA CLARITA DIET made me imagine him as the busy businessman)  

Luchia Diego-Smith - Salma Hayek 

(She would expertly bring out the fierceness and loneliness of this rich housewife)

Ivan Kramnik - Alexander Skarsgård 

(He would be brazen, intimidating and sexy as the Russian tennis instructor) 

Dr. Jannette Parker - Gal Gadot 

(Intelligent, statuesque and mysterious…this WONDER WOMAN actor would be perfect as the psychiatrist harboring a life-altering secret)

Father John Francis - Tobey Maguire 

(Well, if I can’t play the less than faithful priest, then the SPIDER-MAN actor will do nicely) 

Sister Beatrice Cross - Naomi Watts 

(I pictured her as this sweet, but determined nun when writing the book)

Peter Obelisk - Ross Lynch 

(This CHILLING ADVENTURES OF SABRINA actor looks the part of Xylem’s chauffeur, at least in my mind)

Sheriff Mick Webb - Sam Rockwell 

(He would bring sympathy to this sad, down on his luck lawman) 

Well, that’s my dream cast.  Hope you found it interesting.  There are a few more characters, but I’ll let Gill and other readers cast them.  

For more about Gill and her extremely entertaining entertainment blog, click the pic ⤵️ to experience an eye-opening interview… 👁 

For more info or to order a copy of DARK EXCURSIONS, click the pic…⤵️ 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words! 

And a huge THANK YOU to Gill!!!

Freak Out, 

JLH 

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Don’t forget to check out my recent blog serial…⤵️