booking freakboy: TO MAKE A HOMO by Edward D. Wood, Jr. (1971)

This is one of the titles I was drawn to when I first discovered Ed Wood wrote novels.  Instead of endlessly waiting for a brave publisher to reprint it, I found a copy on AbeBooks.  All I expected was for Wood to entertain me with his usual craziness and also redeem Vintage Gay Pulp Fiction in my half-blind eyes after a crushingly disappointing  experience with the sub-genre.  (see Abnormals Anonymous)  

1971, Little Library Press

Tommy Grimes is an 18-year-old who always has a plan, including coercing younger fellow classmate Paul Coll into performing a sexual act on Tommy at the church picnic.  When Tommy is done, he doesn’t return the favor, leaving Paul rather frustrated.  Not for long though because fellow schoolmate Mary Kalaski and her reputation suddenly appears.  She seduces Paul into full on intercourse.  At the climax of this twist, they are caught by the minister‘s wife, leaving them both in trouble in more ways than one. 

Parental money is exchanged to terminate the unwanted addition, but that’s not the plot.  It’s revealed that Tommy and Mary are in cahoots and had planned Paul’s religious experience at the church picnic.  Not only that, Paul is beginning to desire his sister’s panties and Angora sweater.  When Paul is dressed up, she is Pauline.  Yes, this is when it fully felt like a Wood novel, but not just because there’s also a Paul/Pauline in DEATH OF A TRANSVESTITE.  I’m not sure if they’re supposed to be the same character or if Wood was just repeating himself. 

Anyhoo, there’s more!  Tommy is not only a sexual bully, but he’s also a drug pusher and a pimp!  After a ménage à trois between Tommy, Mary and Paul, Tommy sends Paul, as Pauline, to a cabin in the woods filled with homosexual clients, some in drag and some not.  Pauline’s job is to pass along some drugs and then to submit to the carnal whims of everyone in the cabin.  The inhabitants of this cabin will also be doing a job for Tommy by getting Paul/Pauline hooked on heroin.  This will allow Tommy to have more control over his newfound prostitute/drug mule!  

Now both Mary, who is still pregnant, and Paul are heroin addicted prostitutes working for Tommy.  After a double duty assignment with a rich old lady client, where Mary nearly suffocated and Pauline had to pull up her skirt and drop panties, they are done with Tommy.  SPOILER ALERT!  Tommy imbibes his one vice, alcohol, and passes out.  Mary and Paul jump at the chance to get their abuser addicted to heroin so they can all be on the same playing field.  That’s how the book ends.  It’s easy to assume nothing good happens to these characters, but who knows?  Maybe they all get clean, forgive each other and live happily ever after as a very modern throuple, assuming Paul/Pauline doesn’t grow up to be a drag assassin. 

Anyhoo, all I kept asking was, “Who the hell was this book’s target audience?”  Before you conjure up an answer, there are a couple more things left to reveal!  I was very surprised to find several photos scattered throughout the pages of very real adults doing very naked activities.  Most of these photos are of a hetero-centric nature, which is odd considering the queer plot.  This makes me assume they were added by the publisher because surely Wood would’ve picked more diverse pics.  Oh, of course, there are the prerequisite straight-porn lesbian shots, but there is only one photo of two men together and it’s the most demure of the lot.  

“There’s a lot of little things you could do for me that might make us real good friends.” Tommy to Paul

Then, as a popped cherry on top of this Wood sundae, there are pages of advertisements at the back of the book.  Loads of plugs for mostly straight adult novels with such classy titles as Oversexed Broads and Hard Doctor.  Though there are a few queer novels, such as I, Homosexual by Adrian James.  As a perfect compliment to the book plugs, there are also some truly inspiring ads for marital aids to make your next key party the social event of the season! 

Reusable means they are environmentally friendly, right?

So, was the target audience for TO MAKE A HOMO the male hetero crowd?  I mean, the photos mostly appear to support this theory.  On the other hand, the story is definitely bent at the sexuality.  Then its title and provocative cover art would’ve surely turned off homophobic jerks in 1971 and today, so I don’t know!  All I can say for certain is this book is now for the extremely open-minded readers who enjoy going with the flow and/or for maladjusted Ed Wood fans like me. 

In conclusion… 
Putting aside the skeevy young ages of the three main characters, TO MAKE A HOMO met my expectations and exceeded them.  I was wildly entertained!  Even the sexual descriptions ranged from clinical to vulgar to hysterical.  (…so it just lay there against his leg looking like a limp, kosher hot dog.)  Paul struggling with and then accepting Pauline as part of his/her self was somehow backwards, yet also way ahead of its time.  So, if you want to take a literary walk on a very wild side, then TO MAKE A HOMO may be the piece of Vintage Gay Pulp Fiction for you!  I am once again eager to explore other titles, including more from the incomparable Edward D. Wood, Jr. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Click a pic to get more Wood… 

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