booking freakboy: ERASE ME by Josh Silver (2026)

I was loitering at the library, examining a few small stacks of books that had yet to be placed back on the shelves.  A few mildly interested me as I sifted through the books, but then, at the bottom of one stack, a cover caught my attention.  Even though I was not wearing my Mad Scientist Glasses, I could see the soft colors of a sunset and the transparent figure shimmering with the sun reflecting off the body of water.  To add to the picture, a young person stood, gazing into the sunset, while appearing to hold hands with the transparent figure.  I was already going to borrow the book, because the imagery made me feel a longing sadness, but the emotionally devastating title sealed the deal.  

ERASE ME is about a young man with a lot of problems named Elias Pew.  On top of having church furniture for a last name, Eli has ADHD, was in a car crash and has lost two months of memory, along with the ability to feel emotions.  Through his morally debatable experiments to try to feel something again, Eli finds himself in Traumaland.  This business, yes, business, is a place where people can watch traumatic events through Virtual Reality goggles, all supposedly performed by actors.  Eli believes this until he recognizes a face or two in one of the many events to choose from.  This startling realization sends Eli on a journey of identity and how our memories make us who we are.  Eli also faces a forgotten love of a lost young man.  Not knowing anything about the story going in, this made me wonder if I felt queer vibes echoing within the emotionally layered cover and title. 

As much as I enjoyed ERASE ME by Josh Silver, I also found the story uncomfortably familiar in some parts.  There are several scenes of Eli in a mental institute, which is not so different from me at the age of 15.  Long story short, I was really messed up back then, mainly suffering from such low self-esteem that I should call it no self-esteem.  This landed me in a mental institution.  I’ll spare you the trauma of being committed for another day because I’d rather focus on a young man I connected with behind the sterile walls. 

His name was Mark and he was a year or two older than me.  I wish I had a photo of him, but I remember Mark looking like an American football player, and I think he was on his school’s team, but he wasn’t a stereotypical big sack of duh.  He seemed intelligent and thoughtful.  I recall one corner of his mouth raising as he spoke, which a group therapy therapist said the mannerism made Mark appear insincere.  I found it endearing, 

Mark and I were in different wards, but shared group therapy at least once a week.  On one day, the therapist zeroed in on me.  He explained how I should deepen my voice and cuss more to fit in.  That quack was just one more in a long mixed line of adults and peers telling me nobody will like me if I am myself.  

Before I could respond, a female patient pointed out that I didn’t “talk like this” and proceeded to do a stereotypical effeminate male voice, including flamboyant hand gestures.  The other patients laughed and so did I because in her own, possibly misguided way, she was defending me.  Then, after the laughter died, Mark, who was sitting beside me, expressed admiration for my ability to be myself even when pressured to be someone else.  

Looking back, I don’t know if he was talking in code, but it was the first time I had been seen and felt accepted by someone close to my age.  I hope I did the same for Mark, but I’ll never know.  Being in different wards, our interactions were few and far between.  I did get to say goodbye to Mark the day before my release and I had hoped to acquire his address so I could write to him, but he said his parents wouldn’t approve.  Over the years, I have conducted online searches for Mark, but he seems to be just a bright, shining moment in my memories during a most traumatic time. 

In conclusion…
I swear YA books are better than books for allegedly more mature readers.  YA books tend to be more daring and author Josh Silver dares to send readers down a dark rabbit hole of mental illness, memories and pain.  As I said, I enjoyed ERASE ME, but found aspects of the story hitting close to hone.  So, if you want to celebrate 🏳️‍🌈Pride Month🏳️‍⚧️ in an emotionally challenging way, ERASE ME by Josh Silver may be the book for you! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  ERASE ME was originally published as TRAUMALAND in the UK and Europe in 2025.  I don’t think I would’ve been quite as drawn to its original cover or title.

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Other queer books for Pride Month are available from an Amazon near you…
🏳️‍🌈
📚 

freakboy on film: PILLION (2025)

My sister noticed this film listed on HBO and read the synopsis to me.  Much like FLESHPOT ON 42ND STREET on TCM back in 2020, I knew I had to watch PILLION!  It didn’t hurt that one of its stars is Alexander Skarsgård, and he might be at his sexiest here. 

Colin is a young Englishman who lives with his father and cancer-ridden mother.  On a blind date at a pub set up by his mother, Colin spots a tall drink of biker leather named Ray.  After paying for Ray’s snacks while getting another round for his blind date, Colin suddenly has a date for Christmas Day, or night, rather.  This first festive back-alley holiday date includes Colin being ordered to literally lick one of Ray’s boots and then to stay on his knees to satisfy the biker’s Christmas wish.  Who says romance is dead? 

This first date wakes up a submissive kink in Colin and he eventually begins living with Ray.  This arrangement includes Colin fixing all the meals, sleeping on a rug on the floor at the end of Ray’s bed, having his head shaved and being one of the naked offerings at a biker potluck picnic.  One reward for behaving like a good little submissive is a wrestling sex session, which is more about Ray’s physical pleasure than Colin’s.  Is it now obvious why I had to watch this sometimes twisted film?

After a personal tragedy, Colin begins wanting an emotional connection.  In an act of compassion or sympathy, Ray allows Colin to share his bed.  This seeming softness is short-lived and soon it’s back to the rug.  Disappointed, Colin works up the nerve to request a day off where they act like two people in an equal, loving relationship, but will Ray give-in or will Colin have to remain a 24/7 submissive?  

Harry Melling,  grandson of the 2nd Doctor Who Patrick Troughton, brings a sympathetic innocence to Colin even as he engages in very non-innocent activities.  Alexander Skarsgård, brother of Pennywise Bill Skarsgård, infuses Ray with intense sexual magnetism and a believable demanding attitude.  The rest of the cast is great, but top honors must go to Lesley Sharp as Colin’s mother Peggy.  She is full on believable as a loving parent who is also understandably concerned about her son’s new relationship, even as she is dying.  The scene where Ray joins Colin’s parents for a meal is priceless in its mixture of humor and pain.  

Writer/directer Harry Lighton balances both pain and humor with brilliant results.  There were times I found myself chuckling, but I wasn’t sure it was supposed to be funny.  Then again, how could the wrestling scene not be funny with Tiffany’s cover of “I Think We’re Alone Now” playing front and center?   I became so curious if the source material for PILLION, the book “Box Hill: A Story of Low Self-Esteem” by Adam Mars-Jones, is also equal parts humorous and painful that I ordered a copy.  As if I don’t have enough to read! 

I confess that I don’t fully understand this type of arrangement.  I mean, I can wrap my head around paying someone for a weekend of being a dom or a sub, but a full-time relationship boggles my mind a bit.  However, if the participants are willing adults who completely understand what is expected, then embrace your kink and go for it. 

In conclusion… 

I enjoyed PILLION because the characters felt realistically written and performed.  Plus, it is truly a unique kind of love story.  So, if you’re looking for a different way to celebrate 🏳️‍🌈Pride Month🏳️‍⚧️, grab a lock or a key and get kinky with PILLION! 

SIDE NOTE: 
According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of pillion is “a motorcycle or bicycle saddle for a passenger.”

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. The character of Ray gave off a vibe that reminded me of the Wendy’s man I blogged about earlier this year.  Click the pic for more about him…👇

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Celebrate 🏳️‍🌈Pride Month🏳️‍⚧️ with my queer books available in various formats from Amazon…
📚 

freakboy on film: SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS (1972)

I knew I was going to order a copy the second I saw the colorful AGFA blue-ray cover while scrolling through Vinegar Syndrome. 

Checking out the synopsis and watching the exuberantly eccentric trailer fully sealed the deal.

With expectations skyrocketing, I popped in SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS the day it arrived.  What did I think?  Did it live up to my cucumber dreams or was I left tending a garden of disappointments? 

The film wasn’t quite the zippy-zany romp the trailer’s infectiously quirky music implied.  In fact, that piece of music tragically does not appear in the film.  However, putting aside that disappointment, SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS defied my expectations by taking me on an unexpected journey. 

Eve Harrington (yes, everyone is named after famous Hollywood characters) leaves home and seemingly conservative parents in Topeka, Kansas for the chance of being a star in New York City.  Upon arriving in the Big Apple, Eve is taken to the Chelsea Hotel by an aggressive taxi driver nun and then reconnects with longtime friend Margo Channing.  This connection opens doors to Eve’s dreams of finding a man, a roommate and stardom.  One door leads to Mary Poppins, a force of fabulous nature who doesn’t offer a spoonful of sugar with her roommate recommendations.  Another door is a passageway to Eve’s first New York party and a film producer who is more than he appears.  Will Eve find a man or a roommate?  Will Eve succeed in the quest to become a twinkling star? 

Due in large part to the trailer, I was expecting a fast-paced, crazy blast of lost 1970’s queer cinema.  SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS was rediscovered a few years ago and it ultimately is a joyfully fun experience, just with a more mellow, low-key zany vibe.  Screenwriter Sandra Scoppettone and director Robert J. Kaplan crafted a loosey-goosey film celebrating the outsider, but it may take a couple of viewings to fully appreciate what they accomplished.

I must shine the twinkling spotlight on the two main reasons to seek out SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS.  Tally Brown as Mary Poppins steals every scene with style.  Ms. Brown could be the cabaret love child of Divine and Edith Massey, especially when Miss Poppins belts out a tune about being born and raised in a brothel.  Then there is Holly Woodlawn (known for being one of Andy Warhol’s Superstars) as the loveably quirky Eve Harrington!  Holly also portrays one of Eve’s suitors, Rhett Butler, but it’s Eve who fits Holly like a glove.  It’s refreshingly delightful to see a trans actress in the lead role as far back as the 1970’s.  During Eve’s black & white musical fantasy number, Holly Woodlawn gets to sum up the overall theme of the film in song…

🎵 You are what you are, if you think that you are!  I think, if I’m twinkling, I must be a star!🎵

Twinkle on Holly Woodlawn, you will always be a timeless star in SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS! 

In conclusion…
SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS may not have been the film I expected, but it ended up being the film I needed.  It’s almost as if an early John Waters film took some happy pills and celebrated outsiders with a sweet, nearly innocent lens.  Throw in a song by Bette Midler and a voice cameo by Lily Tomlin and you have the perfect low budget LGBTQ+ film for 🏳️‍🌈Pride Month🏳️‍⚧️!  So, grab some vanilla ice cream and enjoy SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS! 
🥒 🥒🥒🥒🥒
I can’t stop saying that awesome title, even though it was inspired by a passage from the Bible. 😱

SIDE NOTE…
You Tube, at the moment, appears to be streaming SCARECROW IN A GARDEN OF CUCUMBERS. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Pride 

Month ain’t over yet, and Pride will never be over, so read or listen to a queer book today! 

🏳️‍🌈 📚 

freakboy on film: SEX DEMON (AND OTHER HAUNTINGS)

This is not Pornhub, despite having blogged about puppet porn, song & dance porn and Ed Wood porn.  However, I haven’t blogged about queer horror porn.  No, WIDOW BLUE (1970) doesn’t count because it’s like 1% queer sex and 99% hetero-centric boinking between the bloodshed.  Even with that unbalanced example, I was surprised 1970’s queer horror porn was even a thing. 

I found the AGFA (American Genre Film Archive) blu-ray of SEX DEMON (AND OTHER HAUNTINGS) some time ago at Vinegar Syndrome’s scintillating sister site Mélusine.  Much like so many other filmic purchases, I experienced the craziness and decided to wait for the perfect time to blog about what I’ll never unsee.  Well, if Pride Month isn’t the perfect time to blog about a queer horror porn triple feature, when is?  Ok, maybe Halloween, but I’m in the mood now, so I am not waiting for October. 

SEX DEMON (1975) 
written & directed by J.C. Crickett 

John gives Jimmy a gaudy medallion for their second anniversary and all gay hell breaks loose!  Jimmy develops a voracious appetite for raw meat from the fridge and seriously rough sex with strangers.  Little does John and Jimmy know, the medallion is cursed.  Will John be able to save his partner with an exorcism or will Jimmy continue his sex-murder spree?  

Just don’t serve him pea soup!

What if Andy Milligan made gay porn?  The answer would look a lot like this memorable piece of less-than-sexy ‘70’s queer horror.  Ferocious, violent and completely manic, with a mix of low-key and histrionic performances, SEX DEMON is only for the most daring of horror film lovers.  I enjoy the frenzied, low-budget Andy Milligan-esque energy, but the rough sex can be rough to watch, unless you’re into certain kinks. 

DEADLY BLOWS (1971) 
directed by Nicholas Grippo (as Max Blue) 

An unnamed man lives alone in a secluded area.  Surrounded by nature, he speaks of loneliness, but also tries to turn away anyone who stumbles into his withdrawn world.  Maybe he is trying to spare them because after making love with his unsuspecting male visitors, he brutally kills them through strangulation or a deadly blow from a hammer.  He doesn’t know why he murders his lovers, he just does.  Then his outwardly simple life becomes complicated when a roommate of one of his victims shows up at his door.  Will the man continue his love-kill cycle or will the stranger figure out what happened to his roommate before it’s too late? 

Is that a hammer in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

Deliberately paced, with a methodically level tone, this feels like the antithesis of SEX DEMON.  The only jarring energy comes from the surreal opening and closing scenes of a shrill scream and a murder the main character either witnessed or committed.  There is no dialogue throughout the film, just a voiceover as the man narrates his own story, seemingly emphasizing his loneliness.  I like the melancholic atmosphere because it gives a sense of realism to DEADLY BLOWS, which, by the way, is a brilliant title for queer horror porn.   

10:30 P.M. MONDAY (1970) 
directed by Lucas Severin 

A man, who seems to be dissatisfied with his sex life, receives a sketchy message in the mail.  All it says is the title of the film.  He initially puts it aside, but as 10:30 P.M. MONDAY draws closer, his curiosity grows.  A fancy black car appears and takes him on a phantasmagorical sex odyssey.  The man enters a building with areas marked as Bar, Toilet, Bath, Beach and Orgy Room, which actually seems to be every room.  (SPOILER ALERT)  By the end, the man is suddenly back in his home, holding the cryptic message.  Did he experience these hardcore events or was it all a feverish premonition?  I haven’t a clue. 

Loneliness as an art form.

For only being one hour, this film feels like a painful eternity.  It’s just scene after scene of sex, sometimes extremely rough sex, and the whole thing becomes very boring, very quickly.  Oh, there is occasional artistic flair, but the focus is more on the sex than the plot or  characters.  In other words, I don’t recommend 10:30 P.M. MONDAY. 

In conclusion… 
Two out of three ain’t bad.  However, these films are an important piece of queer history.  While major studios were barely touching upon homosexuality during that time, these adult films and other independently produced cinematic excursions, were able to more fully explore the voices in the LGBTQ+ community.  Also, it’s great to see queer representation in horror, a genre infamously known for ignoring us.  So, if you’re an adult and you don’t have a hang-up about seeing very real sex, SEX DEMON (AND OTHER HAUNTINGS) may be the blu-ray for your Pride Month collection! 🏳️‍🌈

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Speaking of Queer Horror Porn… 😏⤵️ 

freakboy on film: DESPERATE LIVING (1977)

Happy Pride Month! 🏳️‍🌈

I was planning to write film reviews for at least the first four letters in LGBTQ+ but life had other plans.  However, I wasn’t about to miss the chance to blog about one of my favorite films from one of my favorite underground queer filmmakers, which includes lots of L and maybe a few other letters.

“If it’s good enough for Gertrude Stein…”

Peggy Gravel is having a bad day after getting home from the mental hospital.  The neighborhood kids tried to assassinate her with a baseball!  Her children are having sex!  She has just killed her husband with the help of her 300-pound maid Grizelda!  To top it all off, Peggy received a phone call from the wrong number!  What are Peggy and Grizelda, two sisters-in-crime, supposed to do now?  Flee to the city of Mortville, where criminals can live free, at least according to a kinky cop who enjoys kissing women while wearing their panties. 

Fashion goals!

Mole McHenry is having a bad day after her  last tenant shot himself the night before.  She is a man trapped in a woman’s body!  Her girlfriend, Muffy St. Jacques, is having dirty thoughts about dirty men!  To top it all off, Mole’s cupboards are bare!  What are Mole and Muffy, the ultimate opposites attract couple, supposed to do now?  Rent the spare room to Peggy and Grizelda and pin their hope on winning the Maryland state lottery so they can escape the big nothing of Mortville, obviously.

This could be us but you playin’!

Queen Carlotta is having a bad day after her daughter, Princess Coo-Coo, ran off with a nudist garbageman!  She is busy exerting her royal powers on the new arrivals to her kingdom! Then someone dared to throw a mudball at her on Backwards Day!  To top it all off, one of her guards has an odor emanating from somewhere on his body!  What is Queen Carlotta supposed to do now?  Find a new heir to the thrown and spread rabies throughout the population, starting with her delinquent daughter, of corse.

Royal Proclamation: Readers of this blog must watch Desperate Living! 

These women’s stories converge in an eruption of sex, violence and maybe a little cannibalism, for good measure.  Yes, it’s revolution day in Mortville, and things may never be the same again!  I could say more, but you’ll have to watch to find out what happens in this very different film. 

Never provoke a pissed off princess!

How much do I love DESPERATE LIVING?  I call it my favorite pre-Hairspray John Waters film.  The plot is dark, the characters are crazy and the humor exists in its own plane of existence.  My first experience with this hysterically angry film was on VHS back in the 1990’s.  I was sick and had to go out for medicine, so I figured I’d spread my disease by stopping at Hollywood Video.  At the time, I had only seen HAIRSPRAY, CRY-BABY, SERIAL MOM and POLYESTER, so nothing really prepared me for DESPERATE LIVING!  It shocked and initially revolted me, but I laughed way too much and way too hard at the visceral situations and inspired dialogue.  I even have a Peggy Gravel sound bite on my phone’s voice mail greeting because I want to show people how important they are to me…

PEGGY GRAVEL:  “Hello?” (pause) “What number are you calling?” (pause) “You’ve dialed the wrong number!” (pause) “Sorry?  What good is that?  How can you ever repay the 30 seconds you have stolen from my life?” 

Me answering the phone! 

For some reason, callers rarely leave a message after the beep, but I can’t imagine why.  😏 

Writer/director John Waters has created a gangbusters film.  It helps he surrounded himself with a spectacular cast!  Mink Stole as Peggy Gravel (“I don’t want some renegade necrophile princess as my roommate.”) is perfectly cast as she throws vicious verbal daggers with perfect precision.  Jean Hill as Grizelda Brown (“I don’t want no white man looking at my Tampax!”) is so brazenly wild that you’ll forget Divine is absent in this Waters film.  Susan Lowe as Mole McHenry (“So much for science, Muffy!”) is the emotional and physical embodiment of aggressively angry punk.  Liz Renay as Muffy St. Jacques (“I was having an erotic dream.”) is radiantly fun and funny as the most beautiful woman in Mortville.  Edith Massey as Queen Carlotta (“You are interrupting my flow of power!”) adds another maniacally memorable character to her John Waters résumé.  Mary Vivian Pearce as Princess Coo-Coo (“Herbert doesn’t care if I have ears.  He only cares about my mind.”) presents a naïve innocence and is possibly the one truly sympathetic character in this bonkers film.

John Waters & the cast

In conclusion, 
Even though no one is eating dog poo, DESPERATE LIVING is nearly as shocking as PINK FLAMINGOS.  The plot and dialogue often take some truly out there twists and turns.  One early scene (“Is that what you learned in private school?”) must surely skirt a fine line of what can legally be shown in a film.  So, if you are in the mood for an in your face story that pushes the envelope of bad taste, then wear your clothes backwards and enjoy DESPERATE LIVING!  I have probably watched it more than any of John Waters other films, which is why I am impatiently waiting for Criterion to release an extras-packed blu-ray edition!  

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. Click the pic ⤵️ for a Totally Rocking Super Star Extraordinaire review of FIRST PERIOD from Dave of My Gay Opinion! 🏳️‍🌈
You’re Welcome! 

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My queer little books are available from an Amazon near you…

freakboy on film: PINK NARCISSUS (1971)

It’s Pride Month 🏳️‍🌈 and I know the question everyone in the LGBTQ+ community is asking.  

What if filmmaker David Lynch made gay porn? 

Ok, maybe not everyone is asking that question, but a lot of inquiring minds want to know.  Fine, it’s probably just me, but I believe the answer is PINK NARCISSUS.  

Though I hesitate to actually call it porn.  While the plot totally sounds like a porno, a bored young man spends the evening fantasizing about various sensual encounters with men and plants, it’s all very artsy and suggested, with the exception of a couple of eyebrow raising scenes.  “Oh, that’s why the back of the box has an X rating on it,” is what I said out loud when I first popped in the DVD.  Never mind IMDb designates it as Not Rated.  Still, even these scenes are surreal enough to make a certain puppet film seem hardcore.  

It’s rough being young and beautiful.

This classic, and seemingly obscure, piece of queer cinema is a visceral, dreams within dreams experience of sights and sounds.  There is no dialogue between characters, but it’s not a silent film.  The young man’s imagination takes us to a public restroom where he becomes a bullfighter, daring to dodge a  leather-clad guy in a motorcycle.  There is also a journey to an Arabian Knights fantasy that would probably be cancelled today, but the male belly-dancer seems progressive.  After a brief detour through the lonely and dangerous city outside his window, the young man imagines a Garden of Eden style landscape, except he is alone.  I guess Adam doesn’t need his Steve when he has sensual vegetation trying to seduce him. 

Green Boys Are Easy

SPOILER ALERT! 

No peeking at the ending!

According to IMDb, the young man is a prostitute.  This makes sense with a phone call he receives and the ending, I guess.  An older man shows up and looks into the mirror.  Then suddenly the older man is now the younger man while the mirror cracks.  My interpretation is the splintered mirror indicates the end of the younger man’s fantasies.  The older man transforming into the younger man may represent how the older man will now live out his fantasies through the prostitute.  Then again, maybe it means something else entirely! 

The moral of the story? 🤔 

I must add some other interesting tidbits about PINK NARCISSUS from IMDb.  There had been some mystery surrounding who directed this film because a lot of the onscreen credits simply state Anonymous.  Some assumed it was Andy Warhol or Kenneth Anger.  (It was probably too early in the 1970’s for David Lynch to be an option.). Turned out James Bidgood was the writer and director.  He had took his name off the film when the producer edited it before more material could be filmed.  Speaking of filming, with the exception of a few scenes, the film was shot in the director’s New York City apartment.  

In conclusion…
It’s bold!  It’s daring!  It’s art!  The visuals transport the viewer into a phantasmagorical fugue state, where everything is somehow both tangible and ephemeral.  In my opinion, this film captures the abstract realness feel of dreams more than any film I’ve experienced.  So, if you want to celebrate Pride 🏳️‍🌈 in a different way, dive into the subversive sensory submersion of PINK NARCISSUS! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. An older post about a film that totally sounds like a porno, but isn’t… 

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My queer little books are available from an Amazon near you… 
viewAuthor.at/JohnLHarmon