I cried last night.
I cried for what I've lost.
I cried for what I've gained.
I cried for the meltdown I experienced earlier that day, which left me feeling petty and childish.
There are others with bigger problems than being half-blind. I know this, but such knowledge doesn't restore my vision and erase my problems. Yet, after crying myself out, I can find reasons to be grateful.
I am grateful for what sight remains in my eyes the color of dung.
I am grateful for my Mad Scientist Glasses, which is the only reason I can type these words.
I am grateful for my tablet, which can read me posts, tweets and e-books. My world would be microscopic without this portable device.
I'm grateful for the people who put up with my meltdowns. Especially my sister Margaret.
Guess these two experiences comprise this emotional whiplash of a post.
I rarely look at physical books anymore, unless I'm feeling particularly masochistic, but yesterday one caught my half-blind eyes.
I couldn't quite make out the title but the author's name was so large that I was 90% certain I was seeing it correctly. I slipped on my MSG and felt two distinct emotional responses.
Joy at seeing Parker Posey's autobiography. She's been one of my favorite actresses since I first saw PARTY GIRL in 1996 and I never imagined the Broken Bow Public Library would actually get in her book.
Sadness because the Broken Bow Public Library actually got in her book, but I couldn't read it. As usual, when I'm feeling masochistic, I flip through pages, hoping somehow my eyes will magically be able to see through the haze and the grayness to the words just out of reach.
I asked Kim, one of the groovy librarians, if she would please look up to see if Parker Posey's book was available as an e-book or audiobook from Nebraska Library Overdrive. Yes, I could've sat down and searched on my tablet, but asking for help was quicker. To absolutely no surprise on my part, it wasn't available, but I think I audibly sighed at the news.
I asked Joan, the groovy head librarian, if it was possible to suggest an e-book or audiobook to Nebraska Library Overdrive. She said she could shoot an e-mail to the Library Commission, but there would be no guarantee. I thanked her profusely and sat down in one of my favorite corners.
I'm a cynical pessimist, or as I like to call myself, a realist. I believed there was no way in indie cinema that a positive response would be e-mailed in return. So, in my corner, all plugged into my tablet, which was plugged into the wall, I vented on Twitter.
My venting was not about the library or Overdrive. It was about my frustration and sadness at not being able to just walk across the room and read Parker Posey's book. My situation was a special kind of torture and I was hating anyone who has their vision but wasn't using it to read books.
I was so laser focused on my online bitching & whining that I didn't notice Joan approaching. She said my name and I jumped out of my skin. She apologized and gave me some news.
Joan was about to e-mail the Library Commission but then she remembered something. The Broken Bow Public Library had some credit with Nebraska Library Overdrive, so she purchased the e-book of "You're on an Airplane" by Parker Posey. She explained that this e-book will only be available to readers who use Nebraska Library Overdrive through the Broken Bow Public Library.
Yes, Joan essentially purchased the e-book so I could enjoy the words of one of my favorite actresses, though hopefully others borrow it. Maybe it helps Joan is no stranger to the charm of Posey. She enjoys Christopher Guest's films, which shows Joan has good cinematic taste and is awesome!
I hope it's clear why I cried last night. This whole experience was extremely emotional and I'm not sure I handled it very well. At least I didn't fling myself to the floor and throw a tantrum, even though I felt like it. I internalized a lot and saved the rest for Twitter. ;)
So, if you ever find yourself in Broken Bow, Nebraska, please consider swinging by, saying hi to the groovy librarians and experience the best damn library ever! Don't be surprised if I'm hiding in a corner, absorbing everything going on around me.
Oh, as for Parker Posey's e-book...so far it's everything I was hoping for. I just close my half-blind eyes and imagine Posey's distinct voice instead of my tablet's male, U.K. English, computer voice.
Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words.
P.S. An old blogpost all about my admiration of Parker Posey...