(any resemblance to an actual podcast or podcast host...living, dead, or product of a possibly deranged mind...is purely coincidental and should not be taken seriously)
~start of transcript~
(not-so-edgy rock music intro)
MICHAEL YARRINGTON: Hey, this is Michael Yarrington coming at you live from my new studio! Welcome to the first episode of It's MY Podcast because it is my podcast. For my first guest, I have with me John L. Harmon, an unknown author from some flyover state. Hello, John!
JOHN L. HARMON: Hello, Michael, it's, um, a pleasure to be your first guest on your very first episode.
MY: To be honest, when I came up with the idea of doing a podcast, I decided that my first guest should be someone whom I have creatively inspired and personally mentored through life. Naturally I thought of you, John.
JLH: (lengthy pause) Gee, Michael, I don't know what to say, but thanks. I guess.
MY: You are welcome, John. Now I suppose you want to talk about your latest oh-so riveting e-book.
JLH: Well, I did travel quite far to be here, so yes I would like to mention Darkening Sturgeons. It is a horror/science fiction tale centered around some strange disappearances in the small town of -
MY: That sounds fascinating, John! Even though an e-book exposing the dark underbelly of the fishing industry isn't really my thing, I'm sure Marketing Sturgeons will find a limited audience.
JLH: No, it's Darkening Sturgeons, and it's not about fish or the fishing industry at all! The story is about a young chief deputy who must -
MY: I'm sure it will rocket up all the bestseller lists in no time, especially in seafaring communities. Now I hear Dark Excursions, your four set e-book serial, is available in a single volume print edition.
JLH: Yes, Dark Excursions has been available since April of this year.
MY: Accomplishing something tangible must have been a new and thrilling experience for you, John.
JLH: (lengthy pause) I have to say, Michael, that holding a copy of my book in my hands was one of the most gratifying -
MY: Yes, I'm sure it was. Other than yours truly, who else has inspired you, John?
JLH: Well, I have a great friend who has been a muse for a few of -
MY: I meant people I've actually heard of.
JLH: Oh. In that case, there are three authors that I look up to. Ira Levin, Jacqueline Susann, and Theodore Dreiser. If I am even a fourth as good as they were, I would be proud.
MY: You obviously didn't understand my question, so moving on. What are you writing now, John? Any new and hopefully interesting projects in the works?
JLH: Well...in October I asked five writers and one librarian for genre suggestions and I placed the suggestions in a -
MY: I'm not one to interrupt a guest, but hold the phone! What happened to your plan for a novelization of my audio soap opera parody masterpiece?
JLH: I started to adapt P.I. but something wasn't working in the transition from script to novel.
MY: You know, John, it was almost a year ago when you pounded on my door, interrupting my drink, er, thinking, and begged and pleaded for my permission to breathe new life into my characters. And I, being a generous soul, gave you the a-o.k. Now I find you have completely wasted my time!
JLH: I'm sorry, Michael. Who knows? Maybe I'll still write it, eventually.
MY: Blah, blah, blah, blah! I don't want to hear your [expletive] promises! Get the [expletive] out of my studio, you [expletive] wannabe author!
JLH: Screw you and your crummy basement!
MY: (fuming pause) Is that foul-mouthed ungrateful writer gone, Bernie?
BERNIE CARTWRIGHT: John has left the basement. I mean building.
MY: Good! I try to do someone unworthy a favor and this is the thanks I get!
BC: (brooding pause) Michael, speaking as your manager, I recommend you stop being such a jerk. We were lucky to have John on your first podcast. After all, he was the one who gave you the idea in the first place.
MY: Oh, you are so [expletive] fired, Bernie! Get the [expletive] out of here! I don't need anyone! I can do this podcast on my own! Do you hear me? ON MY OWN!
(30 minutes of silence)
MY: (unintelligible muttering)
~end of transcript~
If you are remotely curious to what the hell this was all about, please feel free to go click-happy on...