Monday, November 9, 2015

"It's MY Podcast" - episode one

A Fictional Transcript of a Fictional Interview

(any resemblance to an actual podcast or podcast, dead, or product of a possibly deranged purely coincidental and should not be taken seriously)

~start of transcript~

(not-so-edgy rock music intro)

MICHAEL YARRINGTON:  Hey, this is Michael Yarrington coming at you live from my new studio!  Welcome to the first episode of It's MY Podcast because it is my podcast.  For my first guest, I have with me John L. Harmon, an unknown author from some flyover state.  Hello, John!

JOHN L. HARMON:  Hello, Michael, it's, um, a pleasure to be your first guest on your very first episode.

MY:  To be honest, when I came up with the idea of doing a podcast, I decided that my first guest should be someone whom I have creatively inspired and personally mentored through life.  Naturally I thought of you, John.

JLH:  (lengthy pause)  Gee, Michael, I don't know what to say, but thanks.  I guess.

MY:  You are welcome, John.  Now I suppose you want to talk about your latest oh-so riveting e-book.

JLH:  Well, I did travel quite far to be here, so yes I would like to mention Darkening Sturgeons.  It is a horror/science fiction tale centered around some strange disappearances in the small town of - 

MY:  That sounds fascinating, John!  Even though an e-book exposing the dark underbelly of the fishing industry isn't really my thing, I'm sure Marketing Sturgeons will find a limited audience.

JLH:  No, it's Darkening Sturgeons, and it's not about fish or the fishing industry at all!  The story is about a young chief deputy who must - 

MY:  I'm sure it will rocket up all the bestseller lists in no time, especially in seafaring communities.   Now I hear Dark Excursions, your four set e-book serial, is available in a single volume print edition.

JLH:  Yes, Dark Excursions has been available since April of this year.

MY:  Accomplishing something tangible must have been a new and thrilling experience for you, John.

JLH:  (lengthy pause)  I have to say, Michael, that holding a copy of my book in my hands was one of the most gratifying -

MY:  Yes, I'm sure it was.  Other than yours truly, who else has inspired you, John?

JLH:  Well, I have a great friend who has been a muse for a few of -

MY:  I meant people I've actually heard of.

JLH:  Oh.  In that case, there are three authors that I look up to.  Ira Levin, Jacqueline Susann, and Theodore Dreiser.  If I am even a fourth as good as they were, I would be proud.

MY:  You obviously didn't understand my question, so moving on.  What are you writing now, John?  Any new and hopefully interesting projects in the works?

JLH: October I asked five writers and one librarian for genre suggestions and I placed the suggestions in a -

MY:  I'm not one to interrupt a guest, but hold the phone!  What happened to your plan for a novelization of my audio soap opera parody masterpiece?

JLH:  I started to adapt P.I. but something wasn't working in the transition from script to novel.

MY:  You know, John, it was almost a year ago when you pounded on my door, interrupting my drink, er, thinking, and begged and pleaded for my permission to breathe new life into my characters.  And I, being a generous soul, gave you the a-o.k.  Now I find you have completely wasted my time!  
JLH:  I'm sorry, Michael.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll still write it, eventually.

MY:  Blah, blah, blah, blah!  I don't want to hear your [expletive] promises!  Get the [expletive] out of my studio, you [expletive] wannabe author!

JLH:  Screw you and your crummy basement!  

(footsteps/door slams)

MY:  (fuming pause)  Is that foul-mouthed ungrateful writer gone, Bernie?

BERNIE CARTWRIGHT:  John has left the basement.  I mean building.

MY:  Good!  I try to do someone unworthy a favor and this is the thanks I get!  

BC:  (brooding pause)  Michael, speaking as your manager, I recommend you stop being such a jerk.  We were lucky to have John on your first podcast.  After all, he was the one who gave you the idea in the first place.

MY:  Oh, you are so [expletive] fired, Bernie!  Get the [expletive] out of here!  I don't need anyone!  I can do this podcast on my own!  Do you hear me?  ON MY OWN!

(30 minutes of silence)

MY:  (unintelligible muttering)

~end of transcript~


If you are remotely curious to what the hell this was all about, please feel free to go click-happy on...


BANANA               JAR
Freak Out,

No comments:

Post a Comment