It's a gut reaction.
A new reader informs me that he or she is going to read Dark Excursions, and my instant instinct is to apologize.
"I am truly sorry for any literary suffering my awful, crappy book may cause you."
No, I've never been quite so direct, but I have, somewhat jokingly, apologized for any mental illness my book may inflict upon a new reader.
I would love to say I don't know why I feel the need to apologize, but I know. I have trouble believing anyone can possibly enjoy the words I've spewed.
Even after positive reviews on Amazon and some very kind words from intelligent people on various social media sites, I fall prey to the epitome of stinkin' thinkin'.
The irony is that I completely love every single emotionally damaged character in Dark Excursions, and was brave, or crazy, enough to send them off into the digital and print literary world. There is a pleasurable thrill involved, simultaneous to my gut reaction, whenever someone has picked up my book, reading life into Dinkel, Cheryl, Crop, Anapola, Xylem, Ivan, and so many others.
I suppose I'll never completely lose the gut reaction to apologize, but I need to learn to ignore it. Push it aside, and give a sincere two-thumbs up and say, without hesitation...
"Happy reading!"
Easier said than done, but I can make the effort.
Freak Out,
JLH
P.S. A post about my book wouldn't be complete without a link of some sort for the curiously inclined...
I think everyone has an inclination to think their creative works are not "up to par", or what will people think of me! In my readings of your work, and other very talented writers, the more creative they are, the higher the fear factor. In your case, it's reached the apology level. To that says ... Very High Creativity ... And I believe the characters and books speak volumes of your blooming creativity!
ReplyDeleteI disagree. I think it's just people with a low self-esteem that do it, in particular, people with disadvantaged capabilities. To be so humbled by circumstance that one needs special devices (sic) to keep up with the pack, it is simply "extremely polite" to voice one's needs beginning with what I find to be meaningless custom, like British use the phrase "I'm sorry".
Delete"I'm sorry: would you mind awfully not calling my boyfriend a cunt?"
"I'm sorry, One sugar or two in your tea?"
And the more effort one requires, the more sorry one becomes. For someone Who's blind or lame, it can become second nature to have to apologise before saying half of what they say:
"I'm terribly sorry! But could you perhaps look where I put my fork?"
"I'm so sorry to do this to you, my wheelchair seems to be stuck on something."
To these who live like that, my heart goes out to them. Whilst I would urge them to not see themselves as lower than other more self-reliant creatures, and to try to better gauge whether a polite word may be appropriate or just a platitude, perhaps it would also be appropriate to point out to others where it comes from, to be more mindful of it and more patient with it.
Humbling Circumstance can really batter One's self-esteem And make one feel like they are ALWAYS a burden, that they Are too broken to ever be capable of Contributing ANYTHING in return.
But that's not you??! Look at how well you write! Never Mind that... Look at how BRAVE you are to take the self-esteem by its horns and put the work of your *faultless* mind on the internet for public critique, in the shadow of fear that this aCt too, will be a burden on those who-find it!