booking freakboy: BLOOD SPLATTERS QUICKLY by Edward D. Wood, Jr. (2014)

I am in the third month of a cheap three month trial of Audible.  Of course, I searched for some of my favorite authors, such as Ira Levin and Jacqueline Susann.  Yes, this search also included Ed Wood, the infamous cross-dressing filmmaker.  I truly did not expect to find any audiobooks of his work, but lo and behold, there was one.  

BLOOD SPLATTERS QUICKLY collects a variety of stories from Ed Wood originally published in pulp and nudie magazines in the early 1970’s.  Much like his filmography, the stories cover Ed’s favorite genres.  Horror, crime and sex fill each page, or track, as the case may be.  There is little doubt these stories are from the late, great Wood.  Dialogue is occasionally lifted directly from his films (“Beware. Take care.”) and Angora sweaters are featured more than once. 

Like other short story collections, there are hits and misses.  A few of them really stand out for me.  “Dracula Revisited” felt like a love letter to Bela Lugosi as a man investigates the myth of the legendary vampire.  “The Night the Banshee Cried” is about an undead woman roaming fresh from the grave and it was easy to picture Vampira from PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.  As for Ed’s penchant for wearing traditionally feminine clothes, he used it to best effect in the title story “Blood Splatters Quickly” as a man seeks revenge for his sister’s death. 

As I’ve said in past reviews, Edward D. Wood, Jr. might have been heterosexual, but he wasn’t straight.  Two stories involving queer men dares to break stereotypes and includes progressive ideas, highlighting Ed as an ally, at least.  “The Autograph” is about a reporter interviewing a Hollywood cowboy who has just come out of the closet.  It’s easy to picture John Wayne as the cowboy, which adds an amusing touch.  “Superfruit” is sadly not about a gay superhero, but is about a queer man seeking business advice from a friend after losing his partner.  It really is more interesting than it sounds

. 
There is one story that made me feel physically nauseous.  “Breasts of the Chicken” is about a man who pays a fortune for a very specific delicacy.  It’s so disturbing and wrong that I almost skipped this story, but the twist ending is so perfectly demented and hilarious that I forgive the unbridled grossness leading up to it. 

A confusing highlight is “Come Inn.”  Within the first paragraph, I realized I knew this story.  Turned out “Come Inn” is sort of a Reader’s Digest Condensed version of Ed’s 1971 adult film NECROMANIA: A TALE OF WEIRD LOVE.  It covers the entire plot of a young couple going to a necromancer for their sexual problems in 20 minutes.  Strangely, Wood also wrote an expanded novelization of NECROMANIA in 1972 called “The Only House.”  Having experienced all three, I’d say the film is best, but the short story is more accessible to less adventurous Ed Wood fans. 

In conclusion… 
Just like the films of Edward D. Wood, Jr, this collection of short stories intrigued me, made me laugh, caused me to raise an eyebrow and occasionally inspired an eye roll.  So, if you’re an Ed Wood fan who hasn’t read his books, BLOOD SPLATTERS QUICKLY is a good introduction to his literary world.  If you already enjoy his longer efforts, then you know exactly what to expect from these short stories. 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. click a pic ⤵️ for more Wood… 

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Escape reality with my books, some of which are available as Audible audiobooks…
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🎧 

reason from reality (a poem)

Sometimes I find myself 
Stuck in place 
Unsure if I should continue 
Writing these words 
What difference do they make 
In a world gone mad 
How can my nonsense exist 
Alongside an overwhelming reality 
Full of psychopaths 
Repeating history 
Vilifying the press and detractors 
Getting rid of so-called undesirables 
Taking over other countries 
While I sit helpless 
Escaping into a world of my creation 
A lurid wonderland 
Where I’d rather live 
And maybe that’s the reason 
To keep going 
To keep writing 
Because someone out there 
May need a break from reality  
Need to escape with me 
Into my weird written world 
For a little while at least 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
2026, John L. Harmon 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  related poems… 

Fear of Past Tomorrows 

On the eve…

Part III 

channel freakboy: INTIMATE AGONY (1983)

Paradise Isle is a luxurious destination to live or vacation.  There’s fine dining, a yacht-like ferry and tennis galore.  What more could anyone need?  Well, with the horndog tennis instructor, an unfaithful husband and promiscuous teenagers on the island, maybe everyone could use some antiviral medication.  This made for TV movie aired on the U.S. network ABC in 1983 and plays as if JAWS and an Afterschool Special met and had a herpes baby. 

NOTE: according to IMDb, the main character’s last name is Richards, but it is Richardson on screen.

Trust me, I’m a doctor!

Dr. Kyle Richardson (Anthony Geary) is initially having a good time as a new resident of Paradise Isle.  He is thrilled to bump into an old college buddy Tommy (Mark Harmon), who is now a lascivious tennis instructor.  Kyle is also happy to start spending time with Marsha (Judith Light), a cocktail waitress who nearly ran him over with her car in a meet-cute moment at the beginning of the movie.  However, things take a turn when the doctor realizes there is an outbreak on Paradise Isle.  Tommy has a fever and is worried about his sex life.  Nick Todd (Brian Kerwin), a philandering husband, has given the gift that keeps on giving to his unaware, pregnant wife Connie (Lori Lethin).  Then Katie Fairmont (Cindy Fisher), teenage daughter to real estate developer Dave Fairmont (Robert Vaughn), has contracted the virus after having sex with a boy in her class.  In other words, everything’s coming up herpes! 

Tragically, this is not a musical!

To make matters worse, Dr. Kyle Richardson is being silenced by head doctor Dr. Holliston (Arthur Hill) and Dave Fairmont.  They don’t want Kyle’s herpes concern to cause a panic or scare away real estate investors.  Plus, on top of all that, Marsha is hiding something from Kyle.  What will happen?  Will Dr. Kyle Richardson spread the word of warning before herpes spreads to more and more people?  Will Dave Fairmont learn of his daughter’s diagnosis?  Will Tommy stop being a tennis slut and learn to respect women?  Will Connie find out she has herpes before she goes into labor?   What exactly is Marsha hiding?  My lips are sealed since INTIMATE AGONY is streaming on Tubi. 

What happens on Paradise Isle, stays on Paradise Isle!

My sister spotted INTIMATE AGONY because she recognized Anthony Geary on the little Tubi poster.  Being fans of the daytime soap GENERAL HOSPITAL, we knew we had to see Geary play someone who isn’t the infamous Luke Spencer.  As Dr. Kyle Richardson, Geary is a sincere, gentle, caring medical professional.  Then there’s Judith Light as Marsha.  It’s weird seeing her in a dramatic role when you know she has serious comic timing, but from the dates on IMDb, Ms. Light was either fresh off or just finishing her stint on the daytime soap ONE LIFE TO LIVE.  I guess it’s not a far stretch going from housewife-turned-prostitute Karen Wolek to single mother Marsha, who may or may not have herpes.  

The fresh face of herpes?

Mark Harmon, with a porn star tache and nearly always in tennis shorts, is the epitome of a lothario and makes you believe Tommy was probably voted most likely to get herpes in school.  Brian Kerwin oozes pathetic loser vibes as cheater Nick Todd and Lori Lethin is all sorts of sweet naïveté as his wife.  Robert Vaughn gives rich fathers a bad name as Dave Fairmont, especially when he refuses to listen to anything more from his daughter after she admits to being sexually active.  Cindy Fisher is fine as Katie Fairmont, but she might be the weakest link, except for when she trashes her room out of frustration.  Katie’s best friend Lisa is totally more interesting and is played with ‘80’s new wave energy by Shawn Schepps, who would show up a year later as Sarah Conner’s (“You're dead, honey.”) co-worker in THE TERMINATOR. 

No herpes or plastic hangers ever!

The movie takes some time to become a cohesive story.  At first, all the characters seem very separate and it’s easy to forget who is who.  This may have something to do with the slew of writers listed.  Richard De Roy, James S. Henerson, and James G. Hirsch are the credited writers, for those who want to know.  From what I noticed on IMDb, director Paul Wendkos mainly directed television productions.  With INTIMATE AGONY, he delivered a solid disease-of-the-week TV movie without spiraling too deeply into melodrama and histrionics, with maybe the exception of Katie.

In her defense, Katie is having a really bad day!

In conclusion…
INTIMATE AGONY must have been shocking in 1983 with its frank discussion of genital herpes and its ultimately non-shaming attitude towards sex.  Never mind that HIV/AIDS was ravaging the gay community at the time and mainstream media, if they even talked about it, was largely all about blaming and shaming those suffering and dying, but that’s a soapbox post for another day.  If you’re looking for a blast from the past with some freakishly young looking familiar faces, I seriously barely recognized Judith Light, and some low-key unintentional humor, then INTIMATE AGONY may be the TV movie for you!  If anything else, there’s Mark Harmon wearing nothing but a towel. 

Tommy can give me herpes anytime!

Freak Out. 
JLH 

P.S.  Maybe one of the characters from the orgy in my last post visited Paradise Isle and started the herpes outbreak… 🤔 
(click here for more) 

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Embrace the agony and read my books in 2026!
📚
(click here for more) 

freakboy on film: THE FIREWORKS WOMAN (1975)

Have all of my favorite film directors directed porn?  Ed Wood, Jr. certainly did!  One could argue that Andy Milligan did with the uncut version of FLESHPOT ON 42nd STREET because of at least two very real sex scenes.  Even John Waters admits that one uncomfortably memorable scene in PINK FLAMINGOS is a satirical take on DEEP THROAT.  Oh, and while Roger Ebert made it abundantly clear that Russ Meyer did NOT direct porn, I argue that his manically unhinged UP! (1976) is at least porn-adjacent.  (I really need to review that piece of celluloid craziness.) 

So, I guess it’s not a surprise that before Wes Craven gave us A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, he inverted and exploded the concept of adult cinema with THE FIREWORKS WOMAN (aka The Fireworks Man, which makes more sense as the title.) 

Angela is a complicated woman haunted by the past, by her incestuous feelings for her brother and by The Fireworks Man, a seemingly supernatural entity.  These three influences in her life seem to be entangled as she shows up at the church where her brother Peter is now a priest.  Angela wants to continue their taboo relationship that was consummated before Peter became a man of the cloth.  Peter swears he doesn’t want what Angela wants, but he gets her a job as a maid to one of his parishioners.  The twisted old refined lady and her kinky male cohort start Angela down a path of self-discovery, even though Peter is never far from her thoughts.  

Does THE FIREWORKS WOMAN end with a bang or a fizzle?  It ends just like a Wes Craven film should end, leaving the viewers questioning everything they just experienced.  

SPOILER ALERT

Peter gets advice from the Monseigneur and throws a church banquet.  Angela gets advice from Nicolas Burns (The Fireworks Man) and invites the congregation to an orgy at the same time as the banquet.  Guess which party the so-called faithful attend!  Nicolas then tricks Peter into coming to the orgy, forcing the priest into a decision.  Peter leaves a note for the Monseigneur and then brazenly enters the orgy, scoops up Angela and carries her to a boat.  Then brother and sister sail away, living happily ever after…or do they?  The Monseigneur rushes to the beach to stop the ungodly lovers, but it’s too late.  As he turns away, the disciple of God disappears as Nicolas Burns (the disciple of Satan?) appears, turning towards the faraway boat.  What does this mean for Angela and Peter?  Does it mean the Monseigneur and The Fireworks Man are just flip sides of the same coin?  Unfortunately, Wes Craven never publicly spoke of this film in detail, so, like the end of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, it’s left to interpretation.  However, according to a blu-ray bonus feature, the original script ends with the boat washing ashore somewhere without Peter and Angela on it.  Even that ending would’ve been enigmatic.  

THE FIREWORKS WOMAN is definitely written and directed by Wes Craven.  His mark is on the haunting visuals, the unsettling/shocking story and he even portrays Nicolas Burns.  The director, who does not appear in the sex scenes, seems very comfortable in front of the camera and appears to be having fun sowing the seeds of chaos as The Fireworks Man.  As for the other actors, they share that natural 1970’s acting vibe.  Jennifer Jordan as Angela and Eric Edwards as Peter are believable as the tormented siblings.  
SIDE NOTE: Eric Edwards is no stranger to this blog.  He appeared as the rich guy with the priceless broach and manipulative aunt in the uproarious BLONDE AMBITION (1981). 

In conclusion… 
When I noticed Melusine was offering this most obscure Wes Craven film, I didn’t think twice about it.  THE FIREWORKS WOMAN is a disturbing study of emotional trauma and forbidden love.  No, it’s not quite on par with Wes Craven’s other films, but it’s an intriguing celluloid stepping stone on his way to creating Freddy Krueger.  So, if you’re a Craven completist or a truly adventurous film freak, THE FIREWORKS WOMAN is the film for you!  Be warned though, there is a very brief scene at the orgy between a fisherman and his catch of the day that you will never unsee! 

Freak Out, 
JLH 
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Dare to enter the fantasies of my deranged mind in 2026… 
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📚 

Goodbye, 2025!

I allowed negativity to overwhelm me this year.  Negativity from the world, from my country, from my town and from the voices in my head.  

My poetry and some of my reviews reflect this negative vibe slithering beneath my skin.  Even my most viewed post is a bad review of a new film.  In my defense, WEAPONS really isn’t very good.  

However, 2025 wasn’t all doom & gloom.  I released the DARK EXCURSIONS ebook series and STURGEONS (the complete serials) as audiobooks through Audible. 

There was also a new e-book, paperback and truly amusing audiobook release!  I wrote Whasome’s Dreck (a short parody) a long time ago.  After unearthing this gem, I felt the world needed my satirical take on Dawson’s Creek.  Not sure if the world agrees. 

I also managed to release a few videos for The FreakOptic Files.  They still make me laugh, which is my ultimate goal.

As for the coming year, I hope to write more.  There are poems to compose and crazy films to review, including a couple of recently found lost Andy Milligan titles, if Severin releases them in 2026. 

Thank you to anyone who has read or listened to my words in 2025.  I am forever grateful for your encouragement and support! 

Freak Out, 
JLH

P.S.  After releasing Whasome’s Dreck, I decided to give the John L. Harmon literary completists a gift by finally releasing Bubba’s Truck (a short story) as a paperback.   

Happy Life Day…or something

🎵 You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Malla
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Itchy
But do you recall
The most famous Wookiee of all?🎵 

Wait, what? 

Lumpy is neither a reindeer nor the most famous Wookiee!  That honor goes to Lumpy’s father Chewbacca.  Oh, you didn’t know Chewie has a son?  He also has a frazzled wife named Malla and a  cantankerous father named Itchy.  They are anxiously waiting for Chewbacca to stop smuggling and generally galavanting around that far, far away galaxy with Han Solo and come home to celebrate Life Day. 

What is Life Day?  It’s a day to celebrate family and friends, and to hope for galactic peace or something.  All you have to do is throw on a robe, grab a glowing sphere and go into the light like Carol Anne in POLTERGEIST.  Then you’ll find yourself in some rocky, desolate area where Princess Leia Organa warbles a classic Life Day ditty, while Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2-D2 look on with varying degrees of interest. 

Before you get to hang with STAR WARS Legacy Characters in Life Day Limbo, you have to pay your dues by spending way too much time with Malla, Itchy and Lumpy.  You will have to sit through a cooking lesson with Malla and a multiple-armed alien Julia Child, played by Harvey Korman.  You’ll have to wonder what the hell is going on when Itchy gets overly excited by a trippy virtual reality song performed by Diahann Carroll.  Then there is Lumpy.  You will be forced to watch Lumpy refuse to do the dishes, take out the trash, try to steal a cookie and generally behave like a bratty prototype of an Ewok.  

Malla wishes she had used Wookiee birth control 

I honestly don’t remember if I watched THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL back in the day, but surely I did.  I mean, I may have been a very little kid, but I was a huge fan.  Maybe I blocked out the experience for the sake of my sanity.  So, my first memorable viewing was in the early 2000’s when I picked up a bootleg VHS copy at a comic book store.  This sketchy copy had all the authentic 1970’s commercials and the “Fighting the Frizzies” news promo.  For worse, or maybe better, the bootleg DVD I ordered from eBay appears to be a somewhat spiffed up print, at least compared to the VHS, that is commercial and frizzy free.  It’s almost what it would be like if George Lucas or Disney+ finally released an official version. 

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL needs to be seen to be believed.  It’s a strange mixture of a made-for-TV movie and a variety show.  Who was the target audience in 1978?  I’m sure my 5-year-old  self would’ve been glued to the television set in a frenzied desire to see more of the characters I saw on the big screen.  I doubt I would’ve cared about Chewbacca’s family, Art Carney as a shopkeeper and Bea Arthur as a bartender at the Cantina.  Though, decades later, Bea Arthur singing a farewell song to drunken aliens is a highlight for me.  

Another highlight is the animated STAR WARS adventure Lumpy covertly watches while Imperial Stormtroopers search their tree house home.  The animation has a funky 70’s look and introduces badass bounty hunter Boba Fett a couple of years before THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.  This alone makes THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL worth watching. 

In conclusion…
Ridiculous, weird and sometimes just plain painful, THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL is a time capsule of 1970’s television and a testament to the impact A NEW HOPE had on pop culture.  The fact they got the original cast, sans Alec Guinness, is truly remarkable and is another reason to watch.  So, if you’re in the mood for a certain kind of Yuletide sci-fi cheese, or you’re a STAR WARS completist, THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL is the festive tradition you didn’t know you needed…and you can find it on YouTube.  It’s honestly better than some of the more recent theatrical films.  

Chewie agrees with my assessment

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S.  Disney+ released THE LEGO STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL in 2020 and it’s a fun, satirical love letter to the original special and the entire STAR WARS universe.  

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Click an episode for more STAR WARS…
Episode I
Episode II 
Episode III 
Episode IV 
Episode V
Episode VI 
Episode VII
Episode VIII 
Episode IX 

freakboy on film: WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR (1965)

I stumbled upon WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR during Vinegar Syndrome’s month-long Halloween sale.  The title alone made me want to order a discounted copy.  Then the intriguing synopsis, which made me think of the vintage paperbacks I’ve been reading, sealed the deal.  It also helped the case resembles a tawdry pulp novel and, after watching the film, I realized I was right.  WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR is definitely cut from the same pulpy cloth.  

Norah Dain is a hostess at a discotheque in New York City.  Life is good for this metropolitan single woman, except for the obscene phone calls.  Someone is watching her and she is becoming understandably paranoid.  Is it her soft-spoken coworker Lawrence Sherman?  Is it Carlo, the allegedly verbally inpaired discotheque security guard?  Is it Lt. Dave Madden, who seems a little too obsessed with obscene callers and other degenerates he investigates?  

SPOILER ALERT (sort of)
It’s coworker Lawrence, as played by Sal Mineo, but more about him later.   

Screenplay writers Leon Tokatyan and Arnold Drake keep the story of obsession seedy, grimey and riveting.  Director Joseph Cates, father of Phoebe, includes a lot of interesting visuals, especially of 1960’s New York City, and draws out some good performances from the cast.

Juliet Prowse as Norah, the recipient of the obscene calls, is a mixture of strength and vulnerability.  Jan Murray as Lt. Dave Madden, the obsessive police detective, is a mixture of protector of innocence and an unbalanced potential creep.  Elaine Stritch as Marian Freeman, Norah’s boss at the discotheque, is a mixture of no-nonsense authority and a woman with needs.  Daniel J. Travanti as Carlo, the discotheque bouncer, doesn’t have much to say but is a mixture of renegade tough guy and a man with fierce loyalty. 

Then there is Sal Mineo.

He is mesmerizing as Lawrence, the seemingly shy discotheque employee/obscene phone caller.  Between the writing and Mineo’s performance, the character is a mixture of an unhinged, troubled young man dangerously obsessing over his coworker and a sweet, sensitive young man taking care of his intellectually disabled sister.  Sal Mineo creates a complex, complicated character.  You won’t be able to take your eyes off him, especially since he is half-naked half the time. 

Unlike most exploitation films from the 1960’s, or any era really, the female figure is NOT the focus in WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR.  Instead, the camera can’t get enough of Sal Mineo in various states of undress.  When he’s not working at the discotheque or taking his sister to the zoo, Lawrence is working out in skimpy shorts, swimming in tight trunks or lounging around in tighty-whities, sensually caressing his thigh or stomach as he makes obscene calls to Norah.  This gender exploitation role reversal adds to the unexpected vibe of this memorable film. 

In conclusion…
I was immediately drawn into the lurid peek at the dark underbelly of the people you only think you know.  The black & white cinematography adds to the gritty, film noir-adjacent atmosphere simmering beneath the celluloid surface.  So, if you’re in the mood to slip into something emotionally uncomfortable, and you want to start giving your coworkers a sideways glance, WHO KILLED TEDDY BEAR may be the psychosexual low-key thriller for you! 

Oh, as for who killed Teddy Bear…you’ll have to watch to find out! 🐻 

Freak Out, 
JLH 

P.S. I better add the hauntingly beautiful song. 

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You may find something tawdry in my words…