Andy Milligan has changed my life!

I know this is a bold statement that few would dare utter, but it’s true.  After being introduced to the late filmmaker in 2020, my desire to find a DVD of FLESHPOT ON 42ND STREET inspired me to shop on eBay for the very first time.  Then my full-tilt frenzy to see NIGHTBIRDS introduced me to the wonders of region-free DVD players.  Not to be outdone, the drool-worthy DUNGEON OF ANDY MILLIGAN box set dragged me into the dying gasp of the Blu-ray revolution.  Little did I know that all of these obsessive-addictive changes would culminate into a new kind of reading experiment. 

A Twitter friend made me aware of an Andy Milligan biography that was out-of-print and insanely priced.  Seriously, most copies of either the 2001 or the 2020 editions range from $100 to WAY more!  One annoying thing is there is no ebook for my tablet to read to me.  Even more annoying is that a new paperback edition of THE GHASTLY ONE by Jimmy McDonough is scheduled for release this year, but still no ebook or audiobook.  What’s a visually impaired Milligan fanatic to do?  Well, have a mini-meltdown, send a couple of somewhat bitchy tweets to the author and then engage in the dangerous act of thinking, of course. 

In one recent iOS update, my tablet gained the ability to read text in photos.  This is a neat and helpful feature when checking prices at stores or reading greeting cards.  I even tested it on the liner notes of a Compact Disc with mixed results.  The voice was the same one who reads ebooks, tweets and posts to me, but the curve of the paper sometimes caused the automated voice to read parts of sentences out of order.  So, could I really take photos of the pages of a physical book and have my tablet read them to me?  Would I have the patience for such a seemingly tedious task?  Well, the notion of learning more about Andy Milligan proved to be the perfect incentive to give this potentially frustrating process a try. 

Sure, I could’ve just pre-ordered the new paperback edition for 30-odd dollars, but my hubris had other ideas.  After all, I have a knack at finding great deals online, including some of Milligan’s movies, so I decided to poke around for a cheap copy of an older edition.  After striking out with several sites, I looked outside the box and checked Amazon UK.  

WHAM-BAM-THANK YOU, ANDY!  

There it was!  There was a 2001 paperback of THE GHASTLY ONE by Jimmy McDonough, priced at £14.99, equaling to around $18!  As a resident of the US, I wasn’t sure I could order anything through Amazon UK, but I was sure going to try.  Well, after my initial order was painfully rejected, I made a call and learned I could shop on Amazon UK if my card had approval to make purchases outside of the US.  Thankfully, I was granted temporary approval and immediately ordered my inexpensive literary obsession, with free shipping!

The punchline is that my order arrived in a few days because it shipped from Toledo, Ohio in the US.  I don’t know why the Amazon seller was only offering the book through the UK site, but It didn’t matter.  THE GHASTLY ONE was in shockingly great condition, for being so cheap, and was finally in my eager hands!  I just needed to figure out how to proceed with “reading” this enticing biography.  

My first idea was to take photos of each page in a chapter and then have my tablet read the entire section to me.  So, I sat on my bed, covered my lap with a cushion and placed THE GHASTLY ONE on the scenic green flatness.  I then gently opened the book and took photos of a bunch of pages and quickly learned two things.  First, this was a bad idea.  If one photo was blurry or didn’t contain all the text on a page, then I would have to figure out which page was messed up and retake photos so they would be in order.  Second, I can’t take photos of book pages while wearing my Mad Scientist Glasses.  The intense magnification makes it incredibly difficult to accurately aim my tablet to capture an entire page of text.  Even though my vision is poor without my MSG, I could perceive, in a blurry, hazy way, my tablet’s screen and the outline of a page enough to take a good photo.

My second idea was a simple one.  I would go page by page, as one does when reading a book.  I took a photo of the first page, slid two fingers down from the top of the screen (which is also how I start an ebook) and listened.  As I continued, I learned a few more things.  First, after taking a photo, I had to slip on my Mad Scientist Glasses to figure out if the photo required editing.  I needed to crop any words from connecting pages because my tablet would try to read the intruding text, causing the automated voice to sound drunk or confused.  Second, if I couldn’t easily fit an entire page onto the screen, I would take a photo of the top half and then a photo of the bottom half.  Third, if I encountered a picture on a page, it was easier to take an individual photo of the picture instead of trying to capture it with the rest of the page’s text.  Fourth, for best  results, I laid the front cover of the book flat on the cushion when taking a photo of the pages on the left and then placed the back cover down for the right pages.  

Overall, this system of one page at a time (sweet, Andy) worked for me.  Typically, it took me 90 minutes to read 15 pages, but I was finding my flow and improving the process with each flip of a page.  There, right there, was the magic of this reading experiment.  The holding of a book on my lap.  The turning of each page.  The sliding in of a bookmark at the end of a chapter.  These are things I hadn’t done since November of 2016.  Even though I was technically listening to my tablet’s automated voice, the physical interaction with a real book made me feel like I was actually reading again, which was a profoundly remarkable sensation.

As for “THE GHASTLY ONE (the sex-gore netherworld of filmmaker Andy Milligan)” by Jimmy McDonough…

It was everything I wanted to know about Andy Milligan but was afraid to ask, and maybe some things I didn’t want to know.  This extensive and compelling biography covers the complicated man’s childhood in Minnesota to his theatrical beginning at the Caffe Cino in New York City to his 42nd Street grindhouse films to his painfully tragic death in sunny California in 1991.  It is a fascinating emotional roller coaster that I ravenously devoured.  My favorite parts of the book focused on his films.  I was especially intrigued and saddened at learning more about his lost celluloid creations.  They sound so crazy and crazy good that it’s a filmic tragedy they are gone.  Oh, I also enjoyed hearing about the anything goes wonderland that was the Caffe Cino and I was pleasantly surprised to learn Andy Milligan once performed in a puppeteer troupe.  This makes me want to dig out my unfinished puppet-themed story I started writing years before I heard of Milligan. 

In conclusion…

If you are an Andy Milligan fanatic or enjoy reading about obscure film history, then you must experience THE GHASTLY ONE by Jimmy McDonough! 

As for my reading experiment, it was such a success that I’ve already started reading another paperback.  This time it’s a piece of fiction about going a little mad in Tinseltown.   Plus, I have a third paperback lined up that may be connected to my recent Twitter Film Review Poll.

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S. In case you’re interested in hearing more about my vision, or lack thereof…. getbook.at/VisionBent 

freakboy on film: SHE MOB (1968)

Screenplay by Diana Paschal / Directed by Maurice Levy & Harry Wuest (according to IMDb) 

Brenda is having a good day.  She is a smart, successful businesswoman.  She has a luxurious home.  She has just been serviced in the bathtub by Tony, her live-in gigolo.  

Brenda pays Tony for the splish-splash

Big Shim is having a good day.  She is a smart, successful criminal.  She is proud to have recently busted a few cohorts out of the slammer.  She has just had a voyeuristic experience with Baby, her girlfriend. 

Big Shim and her cone bra will not be ignored

Tony is having a good day.  He is a handsome, successful sex worker.  He is driving a new car that Brenda bought for him.  He has just been hired on the side to provide service for Big Shim’s three cohorts. 

Sweety East is having a good day.  She is a smart, successful detective.  She is happy with her wildcat roommate.  She has just been hired by Brenda to rescue Tony because the good day has turned bad. 

Sweety East to the rescue

Big Shim has gotten wind of Tony’s lush lifestyle with the rich businesswoman, so she decides to hold him for ransom.  Brenda can’t afford a scandal, so she is willing to pay whatever it takes to get Tony back unharmed.  Sweety East agrees to disguise herself as Brenda for the ransom drop and will name her fee after the job is done.  

That’s the plot of SHE MOB in a nutshell.  I stumbled upon this obscure film while browsing through the Vinegar Syndrome website and I was drawn in for two reasons.  First, the crazy trailer seriously entertained me.  Second, the intriguing description (“Imagine an alt-Earth FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! as realized by a young JOHN WATERS”) may have peaked my interest, so I ordered a copy.  

Comparing SHE MOB to Russ Meyer’s classic and early John Waters isn’t completely inaccurate.  The plot contains similar elements to FASTER, PUSSYCAT KILL! KILL!  There’s a group of strong women out to score some loot.  There’s sexual tension between two of the women.  Plus, there’s plenty of violence, especially as Big Shim and her cohorts torture Tony.  Then there are a few characters that could’ve escaped from a John Waters film.  I can even imagine some Waters regulars stepping into the roles.  Mink Stole would’ve captured the electric energy of Twig, one of the cohorts, as she is constantly dancing in almost every scene.  Mary Vivian Pearce would’ve nailed the sultry boredom emanating from Sweety East as she investigates in her skin tight detective outfit.  Last, but certainly not least, Divine in the dual roles of Brenda and Big Shim would’ve been…well…divine!  Alas, that version only exists in the faraway alt-Earth.

BigShim loves my casting choices

All that being said, SHE MOB never fully captures neither the frantic pulse of Russ Meyer nor the offbeat drum of John Waters.  It is generally entertaining, but drags a bit.  I blame the off-kilter pacing on the director(s), and some of the actors, more than the screenwriter.  The highlight of the entire film is Marni Castle as Brenda and Big Shim.  Especially Big Shim!  This unapologetically tough as nails lesbian, with her equally tough cone bra, is the MAIN reason to see SHE MOB.  Though Monique Duval as Sweety East has her moments, but I might have gotten more out of this character if I had seen the TV series HONEY WEST (1965-1966).

In conclusion…

I have mixed feelings about SHE MOB.  I was initially disappointed to a certain degree but repeat viewings have made me appreciate it more.  So, while not great, SHE MOB is worth watching.  Plus, it is interesting to note that, according to the back of the blu-ray,  the film was shot in Texas and features “actresses culled from Jack Ruby's infamous Dallas nightclub.”  So, SHE MOB is, like, historically and culturally important or something. 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  SHE MOB was the fourth place winner in a Twitter poll I conducted to decide which film I should review now that my blog serial is over.  

So, click the pic ⤵️ to check out the first place winner…

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Click the pic ⤵️ to read my blog serial…

freakboy on film: YENTL (1983)

screenplay by Jack Rosenthal & Barbra Streisand / directed byBarbra Streisand  

“What the hell is happening on this blog?  He goes from promoting puppet porn to blogging about…Barbra Streisand?!?  Surely this is a sign of the Apocalypse!” 

That’s probably what you’re saying and I can’t blame you for being confused.  I am so NOT a Streisand fan.  (Papa, can you hear the collective gasp of exaggerated horror from all the bitter old queens in the world?) The only other film I’ve seen her in is MEET THE FOCKERS (2004) and I still loathe myself for sitting through such dreck.  As for her singing career, well…I’d rather listen to my cat puking up a hairball. 

As for YENTL, the plot has been on my radar since I was a kid.  Anything that plays with gender expectations has always interested me.  So, last Sunday evening I plopped down in the recliner, switched on TCM, the same cable channel that introduced me to Andy Milligan, and mentally prepared myself for YENTL.  Though I almost switched it off because the TCM announcer announced it was a musical.  Believe it or not, I had no idea.  I thought it was strictly a period piece drama, which, according to the announcer, is what Streisand originally intended.  A couple of songwriters convinced her otherwise and I convinced myself to watch it anyway…or maybe I was just too lazy to get up from the recliner.  

                                Yentl, probably about to sing

The film revolves around Yentl (Barbra Streisand), a Jewish woman who wants to study her religion like the men folk do.  This is forbidden in 1904 Eastern Europe because God forbid women use their brains to do anything other than make babies and almond cookies.  Well, after her father jump-starts the plot by croaking, Yentl flees her oppressive village disguised as a man.  If the villagers would’ve seen her sneaking off, all the gossipy women would’ve fainted and the men would’ve called her a demon.  Personally, as someone whose mom mainly wore jeans or slacks, I was cheering Yentl on.

                     Yentl as Anshel, also probably about to sing

Anyhoo, Yentl, now going by “Anshel”, is admitted into a religious school and finds herself in a complicated love triangle.  Yentl has developed feelings for Avigdor (Mandy Patinkin), but he sees her as a man.  Besides, Avigdor is betrothed to Hadass (Amy Irving), so he is taken, but not for long.  

                      Hadass is longing for the singing to stop

A family secret is revealed about Avigdor, forcing Hadass’ parents to dissolve their engagement.  Now Avigdor is ready to split town on the next steam engine unless “Anshel” promises to woo and marry Hadass.  This way Avigdor will still be in Hadass’ life in some way.  Yentl agrees to this because she doesn’t want to lose Avigdor, even though he still believes she is a man.  Will this emotionally messy deception to become a throuple work or will lives be destroyed if Yentl decides to throw herself a gender reveal party?  You’ll have to watch to find out. 

               Avigdor tries to stop the singing by getting naked

Mandy Patinkin is electric as Avigdor.  It’s impossible to tear your eyes away from him, especially in the skinny-dipping scene.  Amy Irving as Hadass is sweet and more complex than her initial subservient demeanor would suggest.  Then we have Barbra Streisand as the title character.  From when she is longing for more out of life to maneuvering through a man’s world as a man to the tough decisions she has to make in the name of love, Streisand is believable and sympathetic as Yentl.  Now only if she didn’t sing so bloody much! 

Please pass the earplugs.  There is no stopping the singing!!!! 

Sorry, but my filmic gods help me!  The songs multiply like bloated bunny rabbits that blur together.  I understand the lyrics are supposed to reflect Yentl’s internal thoughts, but this could have been done in speedy, non-musical prayers to God or her dead daddy.  Maybe if Streisand ever directs a reboot, she’ll go with her gut instinct and cut the endless songs.  

(SIDE NOTE: Mandy Patinkin, an established Broadway performer at this point, doesn’t sing a single note) 

I must add that Barbra Streisand does a good job directing the film.  She knows how to frame a scene to best capture the emotions emanating from the script.  It amazes and impresses me that a film dealing with the Jewish faith and gender nonconformity would get made by a major studio in the conservative, moral majority landscape of the 1980’s.  Especially since it was all directed by a woman.  Well done, Streisand & MGM. 

In conclusion… 

YENTL is a good film, but the songs keep it from being a great one.  On one hand, I enjoyed it for the plot and the characters, even though It is disappointing that the story mostly shied away from fully exploring the homosexual overtones.  On the other hand, I found the film excruciatingly painful when the singing would start.  My apologies to any bitter old queens out there, but I haven’t been converted to a rabid Streisand fan who openly weeps at the song The Way We Werewhile obsessively clutching the FUNNY GIRL soundtrack.  I’ll stick with Julie Brown as my diva obsession of choice, thank you very much. 

(SIDE NOTE:  I owe IMDb much gratitude for the spelling of character names) 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out, 

JLH 

P.S.  Don’t have a conniption!  SHE MOB will be ganging up on you sooner or later!  

Until then, click the pic ⤵️ for more fun with shredding gender expectations…

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It’s Pride Month 🏳️‍🌈, so now is a great time to haunt the queer streets of Sturgeons…

 

freakboy on film: LET MY PUPPETS COME (1976)

 

“No, eBay, I don’t need puppet porn.” 

That’s what I said as I examined the email recommendation.  A large chunk of my Andy Milligan collection came from eBay, so I understood why they would suggest such a film.  I deleted the email and tried to ignore the ping on my filmic radar.  Then a friend snarkily reminded me how there’s a difference between need and want.  

Well, I told myself that I didn’t really want LET MY PUPPETS COME, even as I lost a couple of eBay auctions.  Then on one fateful Saturday morning, I noticed an auction ending around noon.  There wasn’t a single bid, so I placed one for $1 more than the reasonable starting price.  I then shut off my tablet and went about my Saturday, attempting to act like I didn’t care if I won or lost.

“OMG, I won the puppet porn!” 

That’s what I exclaimed, perhaps a tad loudly, as I checked my email while eating lunch with my sister at Runza Restaurant.  I was shocked that nobody had outbid me, despite the same thing happening last year with Andy Milligan’s THE WEIRDO (1989).  Anyhoo, I paid for my surprising win the minute I arrived home and waited for either the puppets or the police, whichever would come first.  Well, the puppets came and I anxiously popped in the disc. 

Jimmy, a dim bulb, comes up with a bright idea 

Things are looking bleak for executives Fred, Ned, Red and their father Gramps at Creative Concepts Systems & Procedures Brothers Unlimited Inc.  Their investment in Big League Bocce has tanked and they owe money to the New York mafia.  What are these puppets to do?  Along comes delivery boy Jimmy to save the day.  He suggests that the brothers produce a skin flick to generate enough revenue to pay off their debts.  Well, it sounds easier than selling heroin, so Fred, Ned, Red, Gramps and Jimmy dive deep into the 1970’s hardcore porn industry.  

Is there anything I can do to make you feel uncomfortable? - Lash 

They receive technical assistance from a couple of film experts.  Lash, who lives for leather-bound discipline, is recruited as cameraman.  Geppetto is called in to add some class to the smut and to literally create the cast.  His son Pinocchio tags along and immediately begins sticking his nose in everybody’s business.  To top it off, a woman of a certain age is there to watch over the filming for a group called Urban Women for Decent Pornography.  Will this porno be decent enough for Urban Women?  Will the rather surprising musical moments be a hit or a miss?  Will the addition of commercial parodies help lengthen the film?  Will the mafia kingpin arrive to break kneecaps and collect his money before Fred, Ned, Red, Gramps and Jimmy can complete shooting their skin flick?  You’ll have to watch to find out. 

Geppetto, a puppet who makes puppets 

Sure, I’ve seen MEET THE FEEBLES (1989) and THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018), but those puppet films did not prepare me for LET MY PUPPETS COME.  I sat through that first viewing in a naughty Muppet Show fever dream daze, with outbursts of startled laughter.  Did they just say…?  Did they just do…?  I wasn’t sure what to think, but I knew I wanted to know more.  So, my second viewing was with the audio commentary on. 

Film historians

Heather Drain and Samm Deighan provide an extremely entertaining and informative discussion of this different kind of puppet film.  I was surprised, in a good way, to hear that writer/director Gerard Damiano was also the mind behind the infamous 1972 crossover hit DEEP THROAT.  There was an amusing shock when they revealed a Disney connection through an actor, playing a very human chauffeur, who would later go on to provide the voice of Jafar in ALADDIN (1992).  They also talked about how LET MY PUPPETS COME was inspired by a an off-broadway stage musical with the terrific title KUMQUATS.  Last, but not least, I found it wonderfully refreshing to hear these two women geek out and celebrate 1970’s hardcore porn.  

Is that a nose on Pinocchio’s face or is he just happy to  be in this film? 

Well, with the newly acquired knowledge, I had to experience LET MY PUPPETS COME again and I found myself seriously enjoying it.  No, not like that.  The crazy-absurd film suddenly made perfect sense and was a total trip and a half!  I’ve watched the entire film a few more times since then and have often skipped around to my favorite scenes when I need some cheer.  One scene in particular involves Pinocchio becoming human and singing an awesome song about the new all-American boy.  It is bizarre, wild, wonderful and probably politically incorrect nowadays.  However, if you’re easily offended, you really shouldn’t be watching puppet porn or even reading this blog. 

Pinocchio contributes to the delinquency of adults through glam rock 

In conclusion… 

Yes, eBay, I did need puppet porn and my filmic life is all the better for it.  So, if you want to experience something hysterically shocking and joyously raunchy, grab some grapes, take a swig of “Lusterine” and prepare yourself for the sights you will never unsee in LET MY PUPPETS COME! 

Thank you for reading or listening to my half-blind words. 

Freak Out,

JLH 

P.S.  LET MY PUPPETS COME was the third place winner in a Twitter poll I conducted to decide which film I should review now that my blog serial is over.  

So click the pic ⤵️ for the fourth place winner…

…and click the pic ⤵️ to learn about the second place film… 

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Click the pic ⤵️ to read my blog serial…