I have been emotionally
all over the place these last few months. Numbers have, with my willing
permission, ruled my life. At the beginning of each month I check e-book numbers
for personal records, and each month, for many months, the numbers have
remained static. Even though I know what I'll find, the feeling of
failure eats away at my interior, making me doubt everything.
For some reason this time hit me harder than usual, sending me dangerously close to the edge of a spiraling depression. I'm familiar with this edge. Visited it off and on many times over many, many years. I've never fully dived over this jagged edge, but I have dangled my feet over it, daring the spiraling to drag me down.
Shaking off this latest round of depressive chicken, I contemplate what I want from my writing. Readers is obviously the first want to pop into my head, but this is something I cannot control, no matter how frequently I post or tweet. Please don’t misunderstand, I am forever grateful to those who have read my e-book serial and who enjoy my various blog posts. Thank you, to the absolute extreme!
The second want to pop into my head is my oldest, and most dreamt of desire. To see and hold a physical book with my name on it. With technology finally catching up with my long-held dream, I can finally see the elusive finish line. Yet, it is this potential print edition that also lures me to the edge.
With a print edition of "Dark Excursions" comes another number I can pretend not to obsess over. This last year has shown me how I completely suck at generating new interest, so I must have zero expectations. This print edition is for myself, so I can say I did this! Yet, I know a flicker of hope will rise in me at the beginning of each month, though history has shown what I will find. I worry the edge will look more inviting than ever, or worse, that I will consider my writing over and done.
What I must do is remember that I write for myself first. Numbers should not define my success or failure. Easier said than felt, especially in this number obsessed age, but I must drill this thought into my head...for my sanity…for my writing.
For some reason this time hit me harder than usual, sending me dangerously close to the edge of a spiraling depression. I'm familiar with this edge. Visited it off and on many times over many, many years. I've never fully dived over this jagged edge, but I have dangled my feet over it, daring the spiraling to drag me down.
Shaking off this latest round of depressive chicken, I contemplate what I want from my writing. Readers is obviously the first want to pop into my head, but this is something I cannot control, no matter how frequently I post or tweet. Please don’t misunderstand, I am forever grateful to those who have read my e-book serial and who enjoy my various blog posts. Thank you, to the absolute extreme!
The second want to pop into my head is my oldest, and most dreamt of desire. To see and hold a physical book with my name on it. With technology finally catching up with my long-held dream, I can finally see the elusive finish line. Yet, it is this potential print edition that also lures me to the edge.
With a print edition of "Dark Excursions" comes another number I can pretend not to obsess over. This last year has shown me how I completely suck at generating new interest, so I must have zero expectations. This print edition is for myself, so I can say I did this! Yet, I know a flicker of hope will rise in me at the beginning of each month, though history has shown what I will find. I worry the edge will look more inviting than ever, or worse, that I will consider my writing over and done.
What I must do is remember that I write for myself first. Numbers should not define my success or failure. Easier said than felt, especially in this number obsessed age, but I must drill this thought into my head...for my sanity…for my writing.
Thank you for reading...
Be well and Freak Out,
JLH
P.S.
RELATED POSTS:FINISH
DANGEROUS
HOLLOW
This is one of the things that scares me silly about writing and why I may have issues with finishing writing projects. DAMMIT. There has to be a shot or something. Hm...maybe that's what the whiskey is for.
ReplyDeleteThose are the kind of shots more doctors should give!
Delete